Paulo and Nikki Death Fantasy
The Lost writers are insisting that by the end of next week’s episode, we’ll suddenly love Nikki and Paulo. If that’s the case, I want to get all of my hate out of the way in advance, so here is one of my revenge fantasies for them. Before I regret it.

EXT. JUNGLE

NIKKI: I don’t know why we had to follow them, Paulo. They seemed to be just fine on their own. With Locke, Sayid, and Kate, there’s no way they don’t have enough manpower to find Jack and bring him back.

PAULO: Listen, YOU are the one who always wants to be involved – OUCH, if I get ANOTHER stick in my eye – so I thought I was doing this for you. Just a minute… you stay here, I need to go over behind that tree.

NIKKI: Sigh… we’re just looking for the doctor so he can treat your gastro-intestinal issues, aren’t we?

PAULO: Could you hand me some large leaves?

NIKKI: We both know you don’t need any leaves. You’ve been backed up for weeks. Oh god, just get me out of here.

[NIKKI heads out into a clearing, where she sees a row of large black metal poles with circles on top]

NIKKI: What the heck are THESE things?

PAULO, emerging from the jungle: I just want some relief. I don’t know how much more of this I can… Hey, what are these?

NIKKI: You. Are. Disgusting. I’m leaving.

[NIKKI steps between two of the poles, and her whole body goes into a seizure. She begins frothing at the mouth, with blood spurting out of her ears the way the blood fake-spurted out of Dan Aykroyd’s hand in that SNL sketch where he played Julia Childs and accidentally cut himself]

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

NIKKI STAFFORD, watching the show at home on the couch: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh this is TOO good! Come on, Paulo, FOLLOW HER! HAHAHAHA!! Oh man, this has been a long time coming.

[she stuffs some popcorn into her mouth]

PAULO: Nikki!! Nikki!! Are you OK?

NIKKI: Ggaaaggghhh bbbbububbbubbbbbbb

NIKKI STAFFORD: HAAAAAHAHAHAHA… Oh, I can’t take much more, HAHAHAHA!

[ISLAND NIKKI falls over onto the ground. Dead.]

PAULO: Nikki? Nikki? Damn. I guess she probably deactivated it then. I’m sure it won’t hurt me.

[PAULO steps in between the poles, and the humming begins again.]

NIKKI STAFFORD, doubled over, barely able to breathe: HAAAAHAHAHA! Oh, this show is AWESOME!

[PAULO’s body begins jumping around, and froth comes out of his mouth, too. Suddenly, he messes himself.]

PAULO: Kkkkaakkkkkuuuuuu….. ah, rrrrrelief!! Gggagaaaggghhh bubbbbubbbb

NIKKI STAFFORD, falling off her couch from laughter: Oh god, where’s the remote?? I need to pause this… can’t… take… much more… HAHAHAHAHA

[PAULO keels over]

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut…. Sorry, this just isn’t working.

[RODRIGO SANTORO and KIELE SANCHEZ both stand up, covered in various bodily fluids]

DIRECTOR: Damon, Carlton, I just don’t think they would die just yet; don’t you think the audience needs someone to hate for just a little longer? Maybe they can make it through the forcefield somehow and we’ll kill them when they get to the other side of the island?

DAMON, striding onto the set: Yeah, you’re right. They were just starting to irritate me, too. I guess I was getting a little gun-happy on the death scene. Sorry, guys.

NIKKI STAFFORD: Oh… balls.