Yay, The Office and 30 Rock are back! While both were awesome, The Office was particularly hilarious, so I'll focus on it. In this episode, Roy barges into the office and tries to hit Jim, but is stopped by Dwight. Jim and Pam have severe awkwardness around each other after the incident, Roy is fired, and Darryl now wants a raise because he's having to pick up Roy's slack. In the ensuing negotiation with Michael, they realize that if he gets his raise he'll be making more than Michael, and Darryl goads Michael into negotiating a raise with Jan.
- Dwight standing at his desk with arm outstretched, holding his pepper spray like a superhero
- Everyone's eyes watering after he's sprayed it (especially Dwight's as he's talking to the camera)
- Michael telling Jan on speaker phone that Toby's not there, when he's sitting right there
- Angela asking everyone to repeat Dwight's heroics to her
- Michael talking so low during the negotiation no one can hear him
- Kelly and Ryan arguing with Toby on the other side of the partition
- Michael "accidentally cross-dressing" (the Miss-Terious label was brilliant; it's mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side, says Michael)
- Michael telling Darryl to write down the amount he wants and slide it across the table, because that's what they do in films
- Jim trying to figure out how to level the playing field with Dwight, as if it's killing him that he owes Dwight one now
- Darryl constantly taking pics of things (including Michael's pay stub) with his camera phone
- Darryl (again) teaching Michael new phrases to use in his meeting
- Roy coming into the office and Dwight slowly pulling nunchucks out of his drawer
- Michael obsessed with Jan's "boy toy"
- Creed (I know a lot of people think he's weird and offputting, but I LOVE HIM)
- Jim catching Dwight and Angela kissing
- Andy returning to Dunder-Mifflin after graduating from the anger management course, striding into the office confidently, and getting pepper-sprayed in the face by Dwight. HAHAHA!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jim: I guess... all things considered... I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky Dwight only used the pepper spray. Not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.
Jim (on the present he bought for Dwight to thank him): It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think; he saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.
Dwight: No. Don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Michael: Wikipedia...is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you KNOW you are getting the best possible information.
Jim (as Darryl): Can I have a raise?
Michael gets up to walk out of the room as a negotiation tactic.
Jim, quietly: Sex. Steve Martin. Teri Hatcher.
Michael: What'd you say?
Jim: I didn't say anything.
Michael: It sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly, but... if he did intend that? Genius.
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady pants.
Michael: No. This is a power suit.
Darryl: That there's a woman suit.
Michael: I do not buy women's clothes. I will not make that mistake again.
Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes and everyone was rifling through them like crazy and I grabbed one. And it FIT. So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.
Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Jim: If you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer... or lunch, or something.
Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the Ty fighters and saves the rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim: Well, I...
Stanley: Yeah. I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's WAY OVERPAID.
Angela getting the Dwight story from Creed.
Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11/11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about god knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock full of nickels. Then Schrute pulls out a can of hairspray and a lighter...
Angela: You're useless. [walks away. Creed goes right back to his work.]
Michael, calling Jan for a raise.
Jan: Because of our situation, we're going to have to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael: Uh huh.
Jan: No, Michael, we... we need an HR rep, so you should just bring Toby.
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan: Michael, he's your HR rep...
Michael: No, Toby is terrible.
Jan: We need...
Michael: Toby is the worst...
Jan: ...someone else in the room...
Michael: ...human being...
Jan: ...because of our relationship.
Michael: ...I've ever known.
Kelly (to Ryan, on the other side of the partition): YOU ARE SO MEAN.
Michael: Toby, come on.
Michael: Where?... I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name the baby Usher?
Toby: All right. (gets up and leaves)
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
Kelly (answering phone, while Angela's looking through Toby's files): Sure! I can help you with that. I'll just get out your file... Ok, it says here you ordered 12,000 reams of paper..... Oh, twelve reams of paper.
Jan: This is a salary negotiation. All matters concerning our personal relationship have to be set aside, are we clear?
Michael: Bippity boppity. [Toby cocks an eyebrow.]
Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael: 6%? After all we've been through? I got you... jade earrings.
Michael: No. We play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no sex.... (to Toby) What are you writing, pervball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.
Toby: This might be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case... when it inevitably goes to trial.
Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from Heroes. That's a real hero. Also Bono.