Oscar Party!

Last night I held an Oscar party at my house and it was crazy fun. As I've said in the past (talking about my very elaborate Oscar parties pre-children), I kind of hate the Oscars, but watching it with others makes it more fun. And when you have money riding on a pot, even the most banal categories become exciting.

I thought Ellen Degeneres was fun and down-to-earth, even if the pizza stuff went on a little long, and after 11 o'clock, we just needed it to WRAP UP. But just as much fun was the banter in our room, and how much fun we were having anticipating what the speeches would bring and talking about what was happening on stage.

This year I made the party potluck, and asked guests to bring food that they had to name. Then we realized how sucky the nominees were when it came to naming foods. And since I didn't think anyone would want to eat Blue Jasmine Rice, I went with American Hummus (after I threw out the name Hummus Eater's Club. Seriously... terrible). And I made Judi Punch. And then we had so much food I didn't get to bring out my Jared Tacos, which I thought had the best name! The party had a Great Dipsby from my friend Sue, which was a GREAT name, and when my friend Jeannette couldn't find rye or pumpernickel for her spinach dip, she had to walk around the store to try to find something else to use for it... so her dish was called "12 Minutes to Decide." Heehee! The "30 Seconds to Mars Bar Cake" might have been the best sweet thing I've tasted this week... no, month. But to outdo everyone, my cousin Andrew's wife Kelsey showed up with the most fantabulous hors d'oeuvres AND homemade cards she'd made to put with them:

How amazing is that?! (And by the way, those mushroom caps were to die for. I ate too many of them. Along with Amanda's mini caprese skewers. I think I'll subsist on water today and the leftover fruit that Ashlie brought. Sadly, everyone ate Brent's chicken wings so there are none of those left.) As my friend Jeannette and I always say when making a Pinterest joke, "NAILED IT!!" And this time we didn't mean that sarcastically. ;)

Highlights:

• When Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor, my friend Dan joked that he should get up and say, "Alright, alright, alright" in the same intonation as he did in Dazed and Confused. And after a long ramble about how you make heroes, he held up the Oscar and DID JUST THAT. Our room went nuts. 
• Jordan Catalano winning an OSCAR!!! And then thanking his mom. Seriously, awwwww.
• We decided to tally up how many people were going to mention the Ukraine, and who was going to mention it first. Answer: the very first winner (Leto) mentioned it, and then NO ONE mentioned it after. Not even Bono. 
• Of course, once we mentioned the Ukraine it was moments before someone mentioned Crimea — WAIT FOR IT — River.
• Ellen's opening mention of Liza Minnelli, saying that she'd just spotted in the audience the best Liza Minnelli impersonator she's ever seen, and added, "Sir, you did a great job." Although Liza actually looked rather offended, so maybe it was a little less funny. 
• Karen O doing "The Moon Song" from Her. (If you haven't yet seen Her, GO SEE IT. Fantastic film. I can't stop thinking about it.) 
• When the camera flashed quickly to Mads Mikkelsen in the audience. Gaaaaaahhhh!!!
• FINALLY convincing the audience not to clap along with the In Memoriam bit, as if there's a popularity contest among the dead.

Low points:

• Me not winning the pot. Jeannette and Ashlie, you are in my sights. I will SO get you next year!
• Mads Mikkelsen not being put in the front row. If my friend Sue and I were the ones putting butts in seats, he'd be front and centre. And he'd present every award.
• Having to get the kids out of bed this morning after they both insisted on staying up for part of the show.

Awkward moment:

• Cate Blanchett thanked Woody Allen and the clapping from the audience was tepid and reserved. And then Matthew McConaughey mentioned how important God was to him and God appeared to receive fewer claps than Woody. Yikes.

I saw so many of the nominated films this year — more than in recent memory — but I still haven't seen Blue Jasmine or Dallas Buyer's Club, and I worried that would leave a major hole in my viewing. I shall now make it my mission to see both in the next little bit. 

Did you watch the Oscars? What did you think?

It's... Oscar Time!

My best friend Sue is coming down this weekend so we can watch the Oscars together with a few people on Sunday. Before I had kids, she and I would put on THE most elaborate Oscar parties you could imagine. We’d have close to 40 people, all crammed in a room (or various rooms on various TVs) and throwing snark at the show we were all watching. We’d run a pool -- $5 at the door and you filled out a ballot, and the one with the most points at the end of the night won (one year the pot was $175). I was a movie hound at the time, and made it my mission to see every single film nominated in a major category – writing, acting, directing, picture, or music. I found it clouded my judgement; you’d become passionate about a certain film that was nominated even though only you and three other people ever watched it, and you’d vote for that person to win even though they didn’t have a chance. The people who saw none of the films usually did the best, because they just listened to the pundits on TV in the days leading up to it.

I should probably mention that I kind of hate the Oscars. Actually... I loathe them. And yet, I cannot look away. So our idea was to devise a party that would allow us to actually celebrate the cheesiness of them and enjoy watching all of the categories, no matter how overblown the actual production was.

We had an Oscar statue… we’d make montages of everyone nominated by cutting out pictures in magazines and creating these massive posters… one year my friend’s younger sister showed up in this long, sequined, form-fitting gown and acted as the hostess at the door, leading people in (did I mention we also had a red carpet outside that went all along the porch, down the stairs, and out to the driveway?) We had trivia on the commercial breaks where you could win fabulous prizes. Yeah. We went all out.

But we never worked as hard at anything as we did our menu. We’d begin planning it around Christmas, and have amassed a large collection of appetizer cookbooks that I still have. In January we’d begin guessing what movies would be featured and would continue to hone in the dishes, and by Oscar night we had the dishes, the names of the dishes, and elaborate menus written up that would describe each one. They were corny as hell (and groceries were usually over $300 and we’d be up first thing on Sunday morning to begin assembling everything) but we loved it.

A couple of weeks ago Sue found the old menus on her computer and forwarded them to me, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Sue is the queen of cheeseball writing... the two of us would sit down and come up with ideas, and one would throw out the idea, the other would cheese it up in the descriptions. (I've rarely laughed as hard as I have when we're writing something together... one of these days we need to collaborate.) This Sunday, we’re having about eight people in total, still doing the ballots, but the snackies will be of the “open up the bag and pour it into a bowl” variety. Kids kinda change those priorities (I’d rather hang out with the kids all weekend than cook! Although strangely enough, while my daughter has very little interest in cooking or baking, my son loves it). But we’ll always have our corny menus from the days of yore. So here I present to you, a couple of our old Oscar menus... here's hoping they make you groan. Enjoy the Oscars!

The 2002 Oscar Party Menu!
Sit back, watch the Oscars, and enjoy our Denzel Dips and Beautiful Finds, and groan at our cheesy descriptions (hey, we aim to please). And because everything you see below is made from scratch, Jen and Sue can assure you there will be no A.I. (Artificial Ingredients).

Moulin Rouge Pepper Dip
(Rye bread with red pepper dip)
♪ How wonderful life is, now this dip’s in the world. ♪ You can-can-can and will-will-will love this yummy dip!

Russell Crudité
(Veggie Tray)
As long as he’s a staple on the Oscar ballot, this dish will be a staple at our Oscar party. Just take a look at those succulent carrots, the yummy cucumbers, the, um, celery, and — oh my god, I think the Russians have put secret messages in our veggie tray!

One Shrimp Ring to Rule Them All…
… one shrimp ring to find them. One piece of shrimp to tickle your tastebuds, and in its goodness, spellbind them.

In the Bedshroom
(Feta cheese and breadcrumb-stuffed mushrooms)
You won’t want to bury this fungilicious dish in the woods!

Monster’s Cheese Ball
Made with three different kinds of cheeses, this luscious cheese ball has more zing in it than an electric chair!

Halle Berry Punch
With a mixture of ginger ale, and tastes of orchard apples and cranberry juice, this little recipe packs a huge punch! Kinda like Halle.

Sissy Spanakopita
She’s gone from a pig-blood-drenched telekinetic prom queen to a coal miner’s daughter, and now she’s a tasty Greek treat!

Pimento
(Olives)
Yeah, yeah, it might not be as fancy as the other dishes, but we can promise you won’t easily forget this wonderf--… what was I saying?

Sexy Beef
(Swedish meatballs)
Spicy yet sweet, like Ben Kingsley’s various roles. The kind of meatballs that would make Don Logan visit your house to try them out. So you might not want to keep them around…

Marisa Tomeitoes
(Avacado-stuffed tomatoes)
You say tomato, I say to-mah-to, you say Marisa won in 1993, Rex Reed says Jack Palance was drunk in 1993… we can’t say if the ballot box was stuffed when she won for My Cousin Vinny, but these tomatoes sure are! (And hey, this time she deserves to be nominated!)

Gosford Bark
(Chocolate bark with roasted almonds)
Upstairs or downstairs, you’ll kill for a taste of this delicious treat!

The 2003 Oscar Party Menu!
We’ve been wiling away The Hours in the kitchen all day to bring you these Catch Me If You Canapés. We hope you are Spirited Away by our culinary delights that we guarantee will leave you Spellbound! We’ve discarded some of our other ideas (Renee Zellburgers, Attack of the Scones, Gangs of New Pork, Road to Fruition) and we hope you enjoy our Adaptations of some traditional foods. You won’t feel Far From Heaven after eating these!

Razzle Dazzle Raspberry Punch
♪ “Give ’em the old razzle dazzle/ Razzle Dazzle ’em!/ Give ’em a punch with lots of zing in it,/ And the reaction will be passionate!” ♪

Unfatful
Worried about the size of your waistline for the nude roll in the hay scene with the sexy young foreign stud? No need to worry, these veggies and dip will keep your waistline so slim that your husband will overlook your adulterous cravings and take you back.

Queen Tortifah Roll-Ups
This is one mighty big appetizer for you all to enjoy. Its rich flavourful centre is fit for a queen. Remember, if you’re good to us, we're good to you! (Tip jar is near the door.) Who’s queen? Why, Queen Tortifah of course!

Polanski’s Piroshki’s
You’ll risk an arrest warrant to try one of these vegetarian delights! A meatless concoction for our herbivore friends, these veggie-filled pastries contain eggplant, onions, garlic, and tomatoes. Recommended for ages 13 and up.

Eminems
♪ “You better lose yourself in the candy, the chocolate/ You ate it, you better never let it melt! [in your hands]/ You only get one red, do not miss your chance to eat it now/ This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo!” ♪

Catherine Feta-Shrooms
Get ready for all that ’shroom. Your fight to get the last ’shroom may end up with you behind bars for murder — but they had it comin’. It’s the feta that made you do it.

My Big Fat Greek Baklava
The clock’s ticking and you’re not getting any less full — you’re ready for dessert! Baklava combines “baka” a Greek word for “heavenly” and “lava,” meaning “mouthwatering.” Put it together and what do you have? A heavenly mouthwatering treat! Opa!

Julianne MoOreo Cheesecakes
These heavenly cheesecakes are so good you’ll want to toss that old cake in the garbage! They’ll make you forget about your confused son, your gay husband, and your black gardener… you’ll just want more and moreo!

Breaking News: The Oscars this Year Didn't Suck!
I love the Oscars. Not the telecast, I hate that. And the overblown "What are you wearing?" red carpet stuff? I could do without that. And generally I disagree with the people who get the statues.

So what's left to love? Those little moments. And... the competition. Every year for many years I hosted an Oscar party with my best friend S., and we'd come up with elaborate menus, spend two days making the food, invite up to 35 people over, and everyone would drop $5 into a pot on their way in and then compete to see who'd take it home. I used to go see three or four movies a week, and when the Oscars came, I would pride myself on having seen every single film in the best picture, direction, writing, and acting categories. Now, I'm lucky if I've seen one film in each category. My biggest rival was Jeremy, and every year he'd show up just to have his ass kicked by me. (Okay, he might have gotten a higher score than me once or twice, but don't tell him I admitted that.) Having a pot worth up to $175 made those film editing categories suspenseful and exciting.

This year, I watched the Oscars alone. Even my husband sat upstairs working on our taxes. What films had I seen in the big categories mentioned above? Juno. And as of Saturday, Gone Baby Gone (and if you have small kids, I don't recommend it. I was traumatized by this film, and it's the last time my husband's allowed to go the DVD rental store alone.)

And sitting on the couch, watching it, I have to say it's one of the best telecasts I've seen. Apparently when the writers have only had 10 days to work on that terrible banter, they write funnier stuff. And when the nominees have been thinking for so long that there wouldn't be a ceremony, they're just happy to be there, and thanking their agents and lawyers come second to just turning in a great speech.

But I think I have a new favourite Oscar moment. With no ballot in front of me, and barely caring about any of the movies, when John Travolta walked out to list off the nominees for Best Original Song, I sat up, held my hands together and whispered, "Once Once Once Once." And when he said, "Glen Hansard," I shrieked. The looks on the faces of Hansard and Marketa Irglova were priceless, and then Hansard got up to give the humblest speech of the night, shocked that they were even allowed up on the stage (he later joked that he felt like the plumber at a flower show). Marketa leaned in to say something, and the orchestra immediately began playing. She turned and walked away just as the orchestra stopped suddenly, and then they restarted. Jon Stewart joked, "Wow, that guy is SO arrogant," but after the commercial, Stewart walked this immensely shy woman back out onto the stage and she gave a heartfelt, impassioned speech:

"Hi everyone. I just want to thank you so much. This is such a big deal, not only for us, but for all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling, and this, the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, it's just to prove no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don't give up. And this song was written from a perspective of hope, and hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are. And so thank you so much, who helped us along the way. Thank you."

There was a lot of love for this little film in the audience. Colin Farrell, in introducing the two before they performed the song, could barely contain his excitement about their performance. As Travolta listed off the nominees, there was a roar from the audience as he announced "Once." When Hansard and Irglova got up to go the stage, the camera zoomed in on Laura Linney, who was almost in tears with happiness. Phillip Seymour Hoffman had his arms above his head clapping (maybe they watched the film together?) Even Jon Stewart mentioned how fantastic the film was.

I reviewed the movie on my blog after seeing it in the summer (short version of review: possibly the best music movie ever). I talked about it again when I went to see Hansard and Irglova live. I can't remember the last time I felt such an emotional attachment to a film, and I'm certainly not the only one. What an amazing Oscar moment (their performance was great, too).

Other fave moments:

• Tilda Swinton's loopy and hilarious speech about George Clooney, saying he wore his nipple-endowed Batman suit under his clothes in Michael Clayton, and hung upside down when he slept. (Her dress was definitely... unique. It's like she thought, "Hmm... might be cold, might be warm; I'd better dress for both.")
• Waiting for one of the presenters to take a nosedive after Miley Cyrus, Colin Farrell, and John Travolta all slipped on the same patch of floor right next to the podium (leading Farrell to say, "Someone should do something about that"... they didn't).
• Marion Cotillard being a surprise upset. Since I wasn't married to any of the performances, it was just cool to see someone completely shocked to win, and act like it. Her speech was giddy and wonderful.
• Daniel Day Lewis bowing to be knighted.
• Javier Bardem mentioning his haircut in No Country for Old Men.
• Jon Stewart saying Away from Her is about a woman forgetting her husband. "Or, as Hillary Clinton refers to it, the feel-good movie of the year!"
• Forest Whitaker. The guy just walks on stage and the 'classy' meter shoots way up.
• Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill's onstage banter. They're in front of a gajillion people and they were joking around as if sitting in their basement.

Low points:

• I love Tom Hanks, don't get me wrong, but does he always have to be so damn cocky? Whenever he, George Clooney, or Julia Roberts take the stage, all you can hear resonating around them is, "DAMN, I'm good." Meanwhile, Hilary Swank has also won two Oscars, but she certainly doesn't act like it. If I were Tom, I'd be a little pissed that they showed my Philadelphia speech from 14 years ago, because in that time, his face has become so puffy you can barely see his eyes.
• Speaking of which, hey, Renee Zellweger! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!
• John Travolta's hair. If you had to wear a wig, would you choose one that's THAT awful???
• Those damn songs from Enchanted. While I was thrilled to see Kristin Chenoweth singing one of them, that last song made me want to vomit. WHO the HELL voted these terrible things in??? "Falling Slowly" was on a whole other plane. I loved Amy Adams in Junebug, but I couldn't stand her on stage in these songs.
• I think it's amazing that the honorary lifetime achievement Oscar went to someone who was 98, and he actually showed up, but come on, couldn't you cap his yak time at around 5 minutes or so? He seemed to go on for an eternity.
• The Coens' non-speeches. Apparently these guys are wordsmiths strictly in the written sense.
• Katharine Heigl. Did anyone else think she was going to cry? She looked TERRIFIED.
• Steve Carell not doing a sketch with Jon Stewart. Cripes, what does it take to get these two back together??

The 2007 Oscar Nominees
The nominees were just announced, and I wanted to post them before I can think about it and make comments:

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel
Adriana Barraza, Babel

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best Original Screenplay
Babel
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Pan's Labyrinth
The Queen

Best Adapted Screenplay
Borat
Children of Men
The Departed
Little Children
Notes on a Scandal

Best Foreign Film
After the Wedding
Days of Glory
Lives of Others
Pan's Labyrinth
Water

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen