Slayage, Eh?

I just found out that Slayage 2012 – the biennial academic on the Whedonverses – is going to be held in Vancouver. For the first time, it’s coming to Canada!!! So, as one of the Canucks who has attended the conference in the past, I thought I’d pass on some Canadian wisdom to the many Slayage peeps who might not be aware of some of our traditions. (And I would have photoshopped a stake in that Canadian heart above if I actually knew how to photoshop...)

Slayage will be held in June. In Canada, there’s not a lot of snow left in June, but we do tend to have the flash blizzards at that time. Especially in British Columbia, where it snows year-round. So, be sure to pack very heavy clothing.

To get into the country, you need to answer a few trivia questions, which will be given to you in a small cabin on the border by a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Here are some answers to the obvious ones:

Q: In what year did Canada become a country?
A: 1987.

Q: Who was the first Prime Minister of Canada? (And yes, we have prime ministers here... they’re like presidents only with more argyle sweaters.)
A: Bryan Adams.

Q: How did the first settlers come to Canada?
A: On the Titanic, with Celine Dion.

Q: Why is Canada's national symbol a beaver?
A: It was switched to a beaver from the previous animal, a black squirrel, after Naked Gun became a big hit (and we were very proud of our homegrown Leslie Nielsen)! By the time Parliament realized what he actually meant by "Nice beaver," it was too late... the rodent was already on our money.

Speaking of money, our paper money is very colourful, unlike the American greenbacks. This is because during the Vietnam War, in which we were a major participant, our economy slumped, and to keep it going, our government allowed people to use Monopoly money instead. Until then, our money was all brown.

The dollar coin is a piece of pure gold, and it’s called a loonie. We call it that because when we originally moved from paper money to coinage, they inserted lead into the money so it would literally burn holes in your pocket, and people began going mad. Our two-dollar coin has a piece of pure gold in the middle, with platinum around the edges. It’s called a two-nie. I have no idea why.


Also, you MUST speak French if you come here... everyone is completely bilingual, and while we speak English amongst ourselves inside our homes, in public you must speak French. So here are some key phrases you will need while you are here:

Je suis un salle de bain.
Translation: Where is the washroom?

Tu es un stylo.
Translation: May I borrow your pen?

Ou es le parking?
Where is the parking lot?
(Actually, this one is real... I like to think of Canadian French as Franglais. Don’t bring your fancy Parisien-learned French here and try to get by... you’ll be thrown out of a fa-nay-tra!)

Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?
Translation: Does anyone still listen to Christina Aguilera?


All men must wear their hair like Justin Bieber, and all the women... have to wear their hair like Justin Bieber, too.


And finally, we sing our national anthem all the time. It’s necessary in this country, because there is a very, very wealthy Canadian billionaire named George Stroumboulopoulos who donates money into our nation’s health care system every time we sing it. It’s why we have free health care! (The only catch is, when you go to the doctor’s office you have to spell his last name three times very quickly.) We sing the anthem when we wake up in the morning, before every meal, and every time we enter or exit a building. So, you’re going to have to learn it.

And hey, I’m here to help! So here are the words to our national anthem. Learn them before Slayage, because you’re going to need them!! And in the meantime, welcome to our country!

O Canada, our gnome and Métis land
True patriots bow at moon and sun’s command
With glowy hearts see E.T. rise
The true Norse strong and free
From car to slide
O Canada
We stand on guard for Lee!!!!

Got to keep our land
Glory house and flee
O Canada
We stand on guard for Lee....
O CAN-a-da
We stand on guard... for.... LEE!!!!

(I’m thinking it’s the General Lee we’re standing on guard for, but I don’t have confirmation of that.)

UPDATE: As many have pointed out to me, the Lee in our anthem stands for Geddy Lee, of course. Sheesh, you'd think that after working at the company who's been putting out Neil Peart's books for the last decade that I would have known that...