It's... Oscar Time!

My best friend Sue is coming down this weekend so we can watch the Oscars together with a few people on Sunday. Before I had kids, she and I would put on THE most elaborate Oscar parties you could imagine. We’d have close to 40 people, all crammed in a room (or various rooms on various TVs) and throwing snark at the show we were all watching. We’d run a pool -- $5 at the door and you filled out a ballot, and the one with the most points at the end of the night won (one year the pot was $175). I was a movie hound at the time, and made it my mission to see every single film nominated in a major category – writing, acting, directing, picture, or music. I found it clouded my judgement; you’d become passionate about a certain film that was nominated even though only you and three other people ever watched it, and you’d vote for that person to win even though they didn’t have a chance. The people who saw none of the films usually did the best, because they just listened to the pundits on TV in the days leading up to it.

I should probably mention that I kind of hate the Oscars. Actually... I loathe them. And yet, I cannot look away. So our idea was to devise a party that would allow us to actually celebrate the cheesiness of them and enjoy watching all of the categories, no matter how overblown the actual production was.

We had an Oscar statue… we’d make montages of everyone nominated by cutting out pictures in magazines and creating these massive posters… one year my friend’s younger sister showed up in this long, sequined, form-fitting gown and acted as the hostess at the door, leading people in (did I mention we also had a red carpet outside that went all along the porch, down the stairs, and out to the driveway?) We had trivia on the commercial breaks where you could win fabulous prizes. Yeah. We went all out.

But we never worked as hard at anything as we did our menu. We’d begin planning it around Christmas, and have amassed a large collection of appetizer cookbooks that I still have. In January we’d begin guessing what movies would be featured and would continue to hone in the dishes, and by Oscar night we had the dishes, the names of the dishes, and elaborate menus written up that would describe each one. They were corny as hell (and groceries were usually over $300 and we’d be up first thing on Sunday morning to begin assembling everything) but we loved it.

A couple of weeks ago Sue found the old menus on her computer and forwarded them to me, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. Sue is the queen of cheeseball writing... the two of us would sit down and come up with ideas, and one would throw out the idea, the other would cheese it up in the descriptions. (I've rarely laughed as hard as I have when we're writing something together... one of these days we need to collaborate.) This Sunday, we’re having about eight people in total, still doing the ballots, but the snackies will be of the “open up the bag and pour it into a bowl” variety. Kids kinda change those priorities (I’d rather hang out with the kids all weekend than cook! Although strangely enough, while my daughter has very little interest in cooking or baking, my son loves it). But we’ll always have our corny menus from the days of yore. So here I present to you, a couple of our old Oscar menus... here's hoping they make you groan. Enjoy the Oscars!

The 2002 Oscar Party Menu!
Sit back, watch the Oscars, and enjoy our Denzel Dips and Beautiful Finds, and groan at our cheesy descriptions (hey, we aim to please). And because everything you see below is made from scratch, Jen and Sue can assure you there will be no A.I. (Artificial Ingredients).

Moulin Rouge Pepper Dip
(Rye bread with red pepper dip)
♪ How wonderful life is, now this dip’s in the world. ♪ You can-can-can and will-will-will love this yummy dip!

Russell Crudité
(Veggie Tray)
As long as he’s a staple on the Oscar ballot, this dish will be a staple at our Oscar party. Just take a look at those succulent carrots, the yummy cucumbers, the, um, celery, and — oh my god, I think the Russians have put secret messages in our veggie tray!

One Shrimp Ring to Rule Them All…
… one shrimp ring to find them. One piece of shrimp to tickle your tastebuds, and in its goodness, spellbind them.

In the Bedshroom
(Feta cheese and breadcrumb-stuffed mushrooms)
You won’t want to bury this fungilicious dish in the woods!

Monster’s Cheese Ball
Made with three different kinds of cheeses, this luscious cheese ball has more zing in it than an electric chair!

Halle Berry Punch
With a mixture of ginger ale, and tastes of orchard apples and cranberry juice, this little recipe packs a huge punch! Kinda like Halle.

Sissy Spanakopita
She’s gone from a pig-blood-drenched telekinetic prom queen to a coal miner’s daughter, and now she’s a tasty Greek treat!

Pimento
(Olives)
Yeah, yeah, it might not be as fancy as the other dishes, but we can promise you won’t easily forget this wonderf--… what was I saying?

Sexy Beef
(Swedish meatballs)
Spicy yet sweet, like Ben Kingsley’s various roles. The kind of meatballs that would make Don Logan visit your house to try them out. So you might not want to keep them around…

Marisa Tomeitoes
(Avacado-stuffed tomatoes)
You say tomato, I say to-mah-to, you say Marisa won in 1993, Rex Reed says Jack Palance was drunk in 1993… we can’t say if the ballot box was stuffed when she won for My Cousin Vinny, but these tomatoes sure are! (And hey, this time she deserves to be nominated!)

Gosford Bark
(Chocolate bark with roasted almonds)
Upstairs or downstairs, you’ll kill for a taste of this delicious treat!

The 2003 Oscar Party Menu!
We’ve been wiling away The Hours in the kitchen all day to bring you these Catch Me If You Canapés. We hope you are Spirited Away by our culinary delights that we guarantee will leave you Spellbound! We’ve discarded some of our other ideas (Renee Zellburgers, Attack of the Scones, Gangs of New Pork, Road to Fruition) and we hope you enjoy our Adaptations of some traditional foods. You won’t feel Far From Heaven after eating these!

Razzle Dazzle Raspberry Punch
♪ “Give ’em the old razzle dazzle/ Razzle Dazzle ’em!/ Give ’em a punch with lots of zing in it,/ And the reaction will be passionate!” ♪

Unfatful
Worried about the size of your waistline for the nude roll in the hay scene with the sexy young foreign stud? No need to worry, these veggies and dip will keep your waistline so slim that your husband will overlook your adulterous cravings and take you back.

Queen Tortifah Roll-Ups
This is one mighty big appetizer for you all to enjoy. Its rich flavourful centre is fit for a queen. Remember, if you’re good to us, we're good to you! (Tip jar is near the door.) Who’s queen? Why, Queen Tortifah of course!

Polanski’s Piroshki’s
You’ll risk an arrest warrant to try one of these vegetarian delights! A meatless concoction for our herbivore friends, these veggie-filled pastries contain eggplant, onions, garlic, and tomatoes. Recommended for ages 13 and up.

Eminems
♪ “You better lose yourself in the candy, the chocolate/ You ate it, you better never let it melt! [in your hands]/ You only get one red, do not miss your chance to eat it now/ This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo!” ♪

Catherine Feta-Shrooms
Get ready for all that ’shroom. Your fight to get the last ’shroom may end up with you behind bars for murder — but they had it comin’. It’s the feta that made you do it.

My Big Fat Greek Baklava
The clock’s ticking and you’re not getting any less full — you’re ready for dessert! Baklava combines “baka” a Greek word for “heavenly” and “lava,” meaning “mouthwatering.” Put it together and what do you have? A heavenly mouthwatering treat! Opa!

Julianne MoOreo Cheesecakes
These heavenly cheesecakes are so good you’ll want to toss that old cake in the garbage! They’ll make you forget about your confused son, your gay husband, and your black gardener… you’ll just want more and moreo!