September 11

September 11 will be that defining moment in our generation where everyone will remember where they were when they first heard the news. I discovered the news late. When the first plane hit the first tower at 8:46 a.m., I was sitting in a film at the Toronto International Film Festival that had started at 8:45 (our earliest of the festival that year, where we were seeing 30 films in one week). The film was called Khaled, and it was a beautifully told but horrific story about a boy whose mother dies, and, knowing that he'll be taken away and put into foster care, he shoves the body under the bed and begins lying to people about his mother's wellbeing, buying cans and cans of room spray to try to cover the smell. It was devastating... but nothing compared to what had really been happening in the world while we were watching it.

As we emerged from the movie, the first thing we noticed was how quiet the streets of Toronto were. We walked up University Ave. in Toronto and turned left on Bloor. There were barely any cars, and NO people on the streets. "Wow, there must be a LOT of people in movies right!" we marvelled as we walked along. We stopped in a McDonalds to use the bathroom and there was no one inside, and the people behind the counter were all huddled in a corner talking quietly. Weird. Then we went back out onto the street and walked to the Intercontinental Hotel, where I was meeting a friend of mine who is a prominent film critic in Toronto. He probably doesn't remember this, but he was the one who broke the news to me. I knocked on his hotel room door (where he was conducting interviews, and the cameras were all set up inside) and wandered in. He and the crew were standing in front of televisions and their faces were ashen. Standing with them was the guy they'd just been interviewing: Ryan Gosling. He wasn't yet a major star (after he left I said, "Wasn't that the guy from Breaker High?" a terrible show about students on a cruise ship that preceded The Suite Life on Deck, and my friend Richard said, "He's in town promoting an amazing film called True Believer. He's going to be a big star.") but he was a very polite guy who smiled and shook hands and then slipped out of the room as soon as it was apparent Sue and I didn't know what was happening. "So why is it like a ghost town around here?" I said, and Richard looked at me, "Oh wow, you haven't heard?" and immediately proceeded to fill us in. One plane. Another plane. The Pentagon.

I stood there in a moment of shock. The Pentagon. As he said those words I thought, "Oh my god... we're at war." And as soon as that thought was out of my head it was immediately taken over by another one, "Someone out there knew this was going to happen. Someone woke up this morning knowing this was going to happen. Someone planned this." I don't know why that was my all-pervading thought, but it's all I could think of.

Sue and I left, and I felt like I was in a fog. I wasn't a big cellphone user at the time (even now I'm crap at keeping the ringer turned on) but at some point around lunch, I realized my husband had been trying to call me. The world was in a panic in that moment, and he was calling to suggest maybe I come home and we drive out of the city, since there were immediately rumours surrounding every large city that it was going to be the next one to be hit.

We went to a place on Bloor Street for lunch. I still remember what I ordered: chicken quesadillas. As we were waiting for our order to come, we looked up at the televisions above the bar area in the restaurant, all which were tuned to CNN. And that's when I saw for the first time the footage of people jumping out of the buildings. At that moment, CNN was just keeping the cameras rolling constantly, and didn't have time to edit the footage. So not only were they showing people jumping, we could see the bodies hitting the ground. It was the most hideous thing I've ever seen on television.

I didn't eat my chicken quesadillas.

Our next film wasn't until 4pm, so we wandered aimlessly, alternately thinking we should just go home and deciding to stay since we'd spent the money on the tickets. But when we arrived at the theatre, we saw the sign that the movies for the rest of the day had been cancelled. Actors, writers, directors and producers had spent the day on phones to loved ones or trying to book flights out of the city.

I remember looking up and watching the skies for almost an hour, marvelling at the fact there were no planes in the sky. I remember taking the subway home and everyone reading an evening edition of the paper -- in an age where there were no evening editions of the paper.

And I remember the feeling that everything had changed. I was fortunate that I didn't know anyone who could have been in peril, but my heart went out to those who did. And it still does. September 11 changed everything, and it's a date that no one who experienced it will ever forget.