SPIKE: Love's Bitch

I'm actually a Bangel: always been one, always will be one. But unlike a lot of Buffy viewers today, I started watching the show early on, when Buffy and Angel were a hot item. I watched it when week after week, he loved her, and then tormented her as Angelus. I watched her put a sword through him, and then waited through one agonizingly long summer to see what would happen to her. And then he came back, and they loved each other all over again. And then he took off again... to his own series.

Most of my friends are Spuffies. They loved seeing Buffy and Spike together. But I saw the relationship as destructive, where he might have loved her, but she never loved him the way she loved Angel. Being with him was her own form of self-punishment, not love. And many of the Spuffies I know started watching the show much later, so Buffy and Angel went by in a flash, and the rest was all Spike. Trust me, if you watched it unfold very slowly over 3 years, the Buffy/Angel relationship was pretty cool.

HOWEVER, if I had to choose between Angel and Spike? Easy... Spike. Spike was one of the best characters of the Buffyverse, if not THE best. He was hilarious, he was evil, he was sweet, he was cruel, and at his heart, he loved. Angel had a soul, yet somehow Spike fell in love with Buffy WITHOUT a soul. Maybe deep down I don't want to see Buffy and Spike together because I want to keep him for myself. ;)

I thought of running a list of my favourite (and weepiest) quotations in the Buffy/Angel relationship, but in the end, there are just far too many awesome Spike quotes, and so today will be a special all-Spike installment of my Buffy week quotage. Enjoy!

VAMPIRE: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it’ll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
SPIKE: (appears behind them) You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.
VAMPIRE: I oughta rip your throat out.
SPIKE: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin’ my hand move.

JOYCE: Buffy?! Where have you been? Are you okay? The police were here! I’ve been looking for you!
BUFFY: Mom, let’s, let’s go inside, and I can explain.
JOYCE: (hysterical) Who is this man? (to Spike) Who are you? (to Buffy) Are you okay?
BUFFY: Mom! I’m-I’m okay.
JOYCE: Buffy, terrible things have happened. What were you doing?
SPIKE: What, your mum doesn’t know?
JOYCE: (to Spike) Know what?
BUFFY: That I’m, uh... in a band. A rock band with Spike here.
SPIKE: Right. She plays the, the triangle.
BUFFY: Drums.
SPIKE: Drums, yeah. She’s, uh, hell on the old skins, you know.
JOYCE: (unconvinced) Hmm. And, uh, what do you do?
SPIKE: Well… I sing.

After Spike gets his beloved Dru back, he returns to Sunnydale a year later, broken up over the fact that Dru left him for a Slime Demon:
SPIKE: (yells) What do you know? It’s your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. (sobs) I’m nothing without her.
BUFFY: That I’ll have to agree with. You’re pathetic, you know that? You’re not even a loser anymore, you’re a shell of a loser.
SPIKE: Yeah. You’re one to talk.
BUFFY: Meaning?
SPIKE: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you’re back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
BUFFY: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. You’re just friends.
ANGEL: That’s right.
SPIKE: You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love till it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. (points at his temple) Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood... (clasps his chest) blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.

SPIKE: Harm, what are you doing?
HARMONY: I’m writing 'Spike loves Harmony' on your back.
SPIKE: Why?
HARMONY: I don’t know, it’s fun. I’m bored. You can write on me.
SPIKE: I’ve got to get back to work.
HARMONY: You love that tunnel more than me.
SPIKE: I love syphilis more than you.

Spike attempts to attack Willow, but realizes the Initiative have done something to make him unable to bite people:
SPIKE: I don’t understand. This sort of thing’s never happened to me before.
WILLOW: Maybe you were nervous.
SPIKE: I felt all right when I started. Let’s try again. Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
WILLOW: Maybe you’re trying too hard. Doesn’t this happen to every vampire?
SPIKE: Not to me, it doesn’t!
WILLOW: It’s me, isn’t it?
SPIKE: What are you talking about?
WILLOW: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn’t want to bite me. I just happened to be around.
SPIKE: Piffle!
WILLOW: I know I’m not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It’s always like, “ooh, you’re like a sister to me,” or, “oh, you’re such a good friend.”
SPIKE: Don’t be ridiculous. I’d bite you in a heartbeat.
WILLOW: Really?
SPIKE: Thought about it.
WILLOW: When?
SPIKE: Remember last year, you had on that... Fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
WILLOW: I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
SPIKE: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and “rrrr!” Takes the mystery out.
WILLOW: But if you could...
SPIKE: If I could, yeah.
WILLOW: You know, this doesn’t make you any less terrifying.
SPIKE: Don’t patronize me.

During Thanksgiving celebrations, Spike is tied to a chair, and Willow is guilty they're celebrating the slaughter of Native Americans:
BUFFY: Will, you know how bad I feel about this. It’s eating me up-- (To Anya.) 1/4 Cup of brandy and let it simmer-- (To Willow.) But even though it’s hard, we have to end this. Yes, he’s been wronged, And I personally would be ready to apologize--
SPIKE: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
XANDER: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
SPIKE: I just can’t take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
BUFFY: Uh, the preferred term--
SPIKE: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That’s what conquering nations do. It’s what Caesar did, and he’s not going around saying, “I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.” The history of the world isn’t people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.

SPIKE: We’re out of Weetabix.
GILES: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all - again.
SPIKE: Get some more.
GILES: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
SPIKE: Yep. Well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood - give it a little texture.
GILES: Since the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind again you’ll just have to pick it up yourself.
SPIKE: Sissy.

BUFFY: Spike.
SPIKE: Hi, Buffy.
BUFFY: Don’t take this the wrong way but... She socks him in the nose.
SPIKE: Ow!
BUFFY: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
[Spike counts the words on his fingers.]
SPIKE: Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
BUFFY: Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.
SPIKE: On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one’s self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I’m outgrowing my whole “burst into flame” phase.
BUFFY: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won’t kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I’m just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.

BUFFY: The weapons are in the chest by the TV. I’ll grab the stuff upstairs --
SPIKE: Uh, Buffy ...(he can’t enter) If you wanna just hand them over the threshold --
BUFFY: Come in, Spike. (moved, he steps gingerly in)
SPIKE: Hmm. Presto. No barrier... (back to business) Um, won’t bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory’s mates while you take on the lady herself.
BUFFY: We’re not all gonna make it. You know that.
SPIKE: Yeah. Hey, I always knew I’d go down fighting.
BUFFY: I’m counting on you. To protect her.
SPIKE: ‘Til the end of the world -- even if that happens to be tonight.
BUFFY: I’ll be a minute.
SPIKE: I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that’s... Get your stuff. I’ll be here.

SPIKE: Buffy. You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain’s got a knife at your back.
BUFFY: Your hand is hurt.
SPIKE: Hmm. Same with you.
BUFFY: Right.
SPIKE: Willow’s getting pretty strong, isn’t she? Bringing you back. It’s hard to get a good night’s death around here. (no response) You can sit down. Got furniture. (she sits) You should see the downstairs, too, it’s quite posh. (goes to sit across from her) Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. (pause) If I had done that ... even if I didn’t make it ... you wouldn’t have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I’d see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... (softly) Every night I save you.

BUFFY: You got your soul back. How?
SPIKE: It’s what you wanted, right? (looking at the ceiling) It’s what you wanted, right? And—and now everybody’s in here, talking. Everything I did...everyone I— and him... and it... the other, the thing beneath—beneath you. It’s here too. Everybody. They all just tell me go... go... to hell.
BUFFY: Why? Why would you do that—
SPIKE: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn’t? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— (chokes up) to be a kind of man. (approaching the alter & a giant cross) She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved. So everything’s OK, right? (rests on the cross, his flesh starts to smoke) Can—can we rest now? Buffy...can we rest?

SPIKE: Heard you got a date.
BUFFY: Well, it’s unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he’s evil.
SPIKE: Buffy, I’m all right.
BUFFY: You don’t have to—
SPIKE: What? Be noble? I’m not. Really, I’m all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.
BUFFY: Good. I’m glad. Thank you.
SPIKE: Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous.

ANDREW: You sure you don’t wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?
SPIKE: It’s not a road trip. It’s a covert operation.
ANDREW: Right. Right. Gotcha. (beat) I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They’re really good.
SPIKE: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
ANDREW: Ooh, I love those.
SPIKE: Yeah, me, too.
ANDREW: It’s an onion... and it’s a flower. I—I don’t understand how such a thing is possible.
SPIKE: See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
ANDREW: Masterful.
SPIKE: Yeah. (beat) Tell anyone we had this conversation, I’ll bite you.
ANDREW: Right.

SPIKE: You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker; I follow my blood, which does not always rush in the direction of my head. So I’ve made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. (squatting before her) A hundred plus years, only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You. (He moves to touch her face. Misinterpreting, she turns away, but he puts his hand to her cheek, urges her to...) Look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I tell you that I love you, it’s not because I want you, or ‘cause I can’t have you – it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try... I’ve seen your strength, and your kindness, I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. (She is silently crying. He can only smile at her kindly, containing his own emotions.) You’re the one, Buffy.
BUFFY: I don’t... I don’t want to be the one.
SPIKE: I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.

SPIKE: I can feel it, Buffy.
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: My soul. It’s really there. It kind of stings.
[later...]
SPIKE: Go on, then.
BUFFY: No! No, you’ve done enough! You could still…
SPIKE: No, you’ve beaten them back. It’s for me to do the cleanup.
FAITH: Buffy, come on!
SPIKE: Gotta move, lamb. I think it’s fair to say, school’s out for the bloody summer.
BUFFY: Spike!
SPIKE: I mean it! I gotta do this.
[Buffy reaches for his outstretched hand, their fingers lace, then burst into flame]
BUFFY: I love you.
SPIKE: No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it. Now go! [she does]
SPIKE: I want to see how it ends.
[He laughs as he breaks into dust, taking the hellmouth and Sunnydale with him]

Tomorrow: The moments on Buffy that made us cry.

Lost, Ep 11: Enter 77
This week’s episode of Lost rocked: best of the season so far. Kate, Sayid, Locke, and Rousseau all headed deep into the jungle and discovered Patchy from “The Cost of Living” and his house (and cows… and cat… and horse… and iced tea) while on the beach, Hurley and Co. challenged Sawyer to a game of table tennis. No word on the Others or Jack, but it was still a great episode to see how the other half are living on their side of the island. I will admit I yelled, “Nooooooo” out loud when Sun told Sawyer he couldn’t use nicknames anymore (those are always highlights for me) so thank goodness it’s only for a week.

In the flashback, we see how Sayid was captured by a man whose wife Sayid had tortured, even though Sayid insists that he is innocent. After days of torture, she tells him a story that finally makes him confess. What does the flashback have to do with the present-day story? Is it the fact that Mikhail is lying about who he is at first?

Highlights:
-Sawyer calling Paulo “Zorro”
-Sawyer looking at Nikki and saying, “Who the hell are you?” HAHAHAHA
-Sawyer calling Jin and Sun “Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon”
-Hurley’s first point against Sawyer, hahaha!
-the fact that Locke is playing computer chess in the next room, while Sayid is playing a mental chess game with Mikhail in the main room
-the wife’s story about the cat trapped in the box with the firecrackers; it was upsetting and haunting

Lowlights:

-Paulo and Nikki
-Paulo calling Sawyer “Heelbeely”
-the thought of all those Dharma Initiative secrets at their fingertips… gone.

Did You Notice?:
-this is the second time Paulo has been associated with a toilet. Seems a fitting association to me. -the gang must have been going north following the west coast of the island. On the blast door map that Inman was drawing, the Flame station is located just northwest of the Swan station.
-Mikhail refers to the Others as “the hostiles,” which is how Rousseau refers to them.
-during the table tennis tournament, Sceve appears to be standing behind Hurley
-Sayid and Locke both think Mikhail was sent out there when they lost communications, which might have been when the sky turned purple. A few episodes ago, Tom actually says to Ben that they’d lost communications when the sky turned purple, and he was about to say something else when he was cut off… maybe it was about Mikhail.
-we know early on that Sayid is lying when he tells the woman’s husband he would never torture a woman: we’d seen him torture Nadia
-if there has been an incursion by the hostiles, Locke has to enter 77. Aside from 9, 7 is the only other number not to appear anywhere in Hurley’s numbers.
-it doesn’t appear that the cat the woman is holding is the same as Mikhail’s cat. Her cat has a black smudge on his nose that the other one doesn’t. Also, hers is much bigger, almost the size of a Maine Coon, while his is smaller. This could be explained by lack of nutrition, age, and fur that wasn’t as full, but the mark on the nose makes them pretty distinct from one another.

Nitpicks:
-the writers making Locke seem mentally challenged throughout the episode. What was with that?? He goes into the other room to sit in front of a computer when the guy with possible answers is in the other room; he says he checked every nook and cranny of the place but missed the obvious “under the rug” hatch; he leaves Mikhail on the floor to go and play chess again (come ON), and then he goes and blows up the joint. Did he incur some serious, serious brain damage in the implosion? No wonder Terry O’Quinn has expressed disappointment in the treatment of his character lately. Now not only is he responsible for blowing up the hatch and possibly killing Eko, but now they’ve lost all chance to finally understand all the ins and outs of the Dharma Initiative AND of finally communicating with the outside world.
-there’s NO WAY Sayid would have ever taken a drink of the iced tea before letting Mikhail take a sip first

Questions:
-who takes Guns & Ammo to the bathroom with them? Does Paulo have a more serious gastric problem than we might think??
-where the heck did Sawyer get the ping-pong ball?
-why did Rousseau leave? Do we honestly believe she’s never seen this station before? Her actions were a little too suspicious: Is she an Other? Is she Dharma? She DID say she was a scientist who crashed onto the island: maybe she didn’t crash? Maybe she was a legit scientist with Dharma, and now that the Others have taken over, she’s on the run because she’s the last Dharma person standing? Notice how when she reappears, Mikhail seems to recognize her voice.
-when Mikhail first shoots Sayid, he’s all jittery and freaking out, yelling, “We had a truce! You said I could live here!” Was he just acting, or is he really a loner who’s broken ties with everyone?
-what sort of manuscript was Mikhail writing on the typewriter?
-Mikhail says he came because he was interested in computers. Didn’t he question why the computers were from 1980, when he would have arrived in 1993? For a rich philanthropic organization, it seems strange they didn’t update their equipment.
-what was Bea doing with Mikhail?

**If anyone reading this can translate Korean or Russian (or if you know someone who can), please email me or leave a comment letting me know how I can reach you. I’m looking for someone who can translate the languages other than English to use in my upcoming book on Lost. Thank you!

Next week: “Par Avion,” which appears to be a Claire flashback.

You Wanna Be On Top?
America's Next Top Model started up again last week, and I didn't get a chance to blog on it. Because Lost will be starting up in about 3 minutes, I'll keep this one short, too. But needless to say, this cycle has ALL of the things I love love love about this show. Last week we were introduced to Sarah, who reminded us over and over again that she was a photographer who photographs people on photo shoots in her role as a photographer; Renee, the mom of a 7-month-old, who *sniff* loves her son SO MUCH and just *snort* wants his life to be better than hers and *sob* she's doing this JUST FOR HIM and she hates all the other girls; Natasha, the seeming mail order bride from Russia who loves Tyra and modelling and wants to be top model so badly she could taste it in mouth; Jael, who's a little crazy but super-cool, if only I could understand a word the girl said -- between her and Miss Jay they could have a battle of the mushmouths; Jaslene, who tried out for top model cycle 7 and was booted, even though she had this crazy signature move of putting her hand over her mouth like she was shocked all the time; and a bunch of others.

Last week's photo shoot was ridiculous... wait, no, I mean IMPORTANT because it made them TAKE A STAND on issues, and put them in stupid... I mean IMPORTANT poses showing how political they all were. In other words, it was hysterically funny and awesome. Kathleen, who had big big hair, was possibly the thickest model they've EVER had on this show, and I was super-sad when she was voted off because I'm not sure I've ever laughed watching this show as hard as I did when she talked to the camera about her "political issue." When asked if she really was anti-fur, she said, "No, I think fur is great. I love wearing fur. It makes you look hot." Twiggy then challenged her at the judging, saying she was fiercely anti-fur, and how could Kathleen possibly be for it? Kathleen responded that fur doesn't necessarily need to be obtained through inhumane means. She said many animals die of natural causes, and you don't have to kill an animal to take its fur, you simply wait for it to die. My husband and I were gasping for air we were laughing so hard. She was voted off, and is now undoubtedly starting up her own line of fur fashion, "Kathleen's Kool Koats," where she stands in the woods waiting for a groundhog to drop dead at her feet so she can skin it.

This week's didn't have a moment as awesome as that one, but it did have a hilarious line that wasn't actually ironic; Jael, when you can understand her beyond the monotonous, "mumblemumble wahwahwah" way of talking she exhibits, is actually really smart and has a very DRY, wry sense of humour. Her comment about Sarah during the fashion show was hysterical: "While we're on the catwalk, Sarah's chest decides to be exposed to all the high school children and their parents. I thought it was very liberating for her and was very proud that she got to experience that next to me." LOL!

Samantha the good girl from Alabama went home, which isn't that upsetting because she'd barely said a word to this point, and I won't be missing her. But Natasha was in the bottom two, and she just doesn't seem to understand the instructions she's given, so she'll really have to buck up for next week. I don't have a clear favourite yet, but I'm sure I will soon. However, while I have no feelings for Brittany either way, I thought her fashion walk was ludicrous and drunken, yet they gave her the [ugly] award for best walk. Makes you wonder what they were judging her against: a calf that was just born??

Oz and Willow
One of my favourite couples on television EVER. Don't get me wrong, I adored Tara and Willow together (the scene of them floating above the dance floor STILL makes me all weepy and happy) but there was something so sweet and wonderful about Willow's first romance. They were the perfect couple. He was "ironic detachment guy" and she was the wallflowery Wiccan that he helped bring out of her shell. And they adored one another. Before it went all wrong, of course.

OZ: I’m gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I’m kinda nervous about it, actually. It’s interesting.
WILLOW: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I’m gonna say yes.
OZ: Yeah, it helps. It creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
WILLOW: (cringes and slaps her hand to her forehead) Oh! I can’t!
OZ: Well, see, I like that you’re unpredictable.
WILLOW: Oh, it’s just it’s Buffy’s birthday, and we’re throwing her a surprise party.
OZ: It’s okay.
WILLOW: But you could come. If you want to.
OZ: Well, I don’t wanna crash.
WILLOW: No, it’s fine! Well, you could be m... my date.
OZ: All right. I’m in. (Willow smiles back, and starts away, smiling widely.)
WILLOW: (to herself) I said ‘date.’

WILLOW: Hey.
OZ: Hey.
WILLOW: Did you want to go first?
OZ: I spoke to Giles. He said I’ll be okay. I just have to lock myself up around the full moon. Only he used more words than that. And a globe.
WILLOW: I’m sorry about how all this ended up. With me shooting you and all.
OZ: It’s okay. I’m, I’m sorry I almost ate you.
WILLOW: It’s okay. I kind of thought you would have told me.
OZ: I didn’t know what to say. I mean, it’s not everyday you find out you’re a werewolf. That’s fairly freaksome. It may take a couple days getting used to.
WILLOW: Yeah. It’s a complication.
OZ: So... Maybe it’d be best if I just... sorta...
WILLOW: What?
OZ: Well, you know, like, stayed out of your way for awhile.
WILLOW: I don’t know. I’m kind of okay with you being in my way.
OZ: You mean, you’d still...
WILLOW: Well, I like you. You’re nice and you’re funny. And you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I’m not much fun to be around either.
OZ: You are quite the human.
WILLOW: So, I’d still if you’d still.
OZ: I’d still. I’d very still.
WILLOW: Okay. No biting, though.
OZ: Agreed.
(Willow walks off with a smile on her face. Oz turns around and watches her go. He smiles. Then he looks surprised to see her rushing back. She looks at him for an instant and then plants a kiss right on his lips. He watches her with a smile as she goes off again.)
OZ: A werewolf in love.

WILLOW: What’s this?
OZ: It’s a gift.
WILLOW: What’s the occasion?
OZ: Pretty much you are.
WILLOW: (excited) It’s a little, uh, PEZ witch!
OZ: It’s kind of a theme present. Do you like it?
WILLOW: I like... I-I more than like. Oz, this is probably the sweetest... We have to find a little PEZ werewolf, so little PEZ witch can have a boyfriend.
OZ: I don’t think they make a werewolf PEZ. You might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.
WILLOW: This is... just so thoughtful.
OZ: Well, I think about you.
WILLOW: (suddenly disappointed) Oh... I don’t have anything to give you.
OZ: (smiles at her) Yeah, you do.

OZ: Willow? I got videos. (He comes into Willow's living room, where Willow’s got Barry White playing, dim lights, the works)
WILLOW: Hi. Why don’t you come s-sit down?
OZ: You ever have that dream where you’re in a play, and it’s the middle of the play and you really don’t know your lines, and you kinda don’t know the plot?
WILLOW: Well, we’re alone, and we’re together. I-I just wanted it to be special.
OZ: How special are we talking?
WILLOW: Well, you know, we’re alone, and we’re both mature younger people, and, and so... w-we could... I-I’m ready to... w- with you. (whispers) We could do that thing. (Oz stands) Where are you going?
OZ: No, I’m not going. Just a dramatic gesture. That’s, that’s pretty special.
WILLOW: (stands also) Oz, I-I wanna be with you. First.
OZ: I think we should sit down again.
WILLOW: Oz? I-I’m ready.
OZ: Okay. Well, don’t take this the wrong way... but I’m not.
WILLOW: (confused) Are you scared? ‘Cause I thought you had...
OZ: (shyly) No, I have, but this is different. I mean, you look great. You know, and, and you got the Barry working for you, and, and it’s all... good. But when it happens... I want it to be because we both need it to for the same reason. You don’t have to prove anything to me.
WILLOW: I just wanted you to know.
OZ: I know. (smiles) I get the message.

WILLOW: Could you just pretend to care about what’s happening? Please?
OZ: You think I don’t care?
WILLOW: I think we could be dead in two days time and you’re being ironic detachment guy.
OZ: Would it help if I panic?
WILLOW: (babbling) Yes, it would be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything’s really scary now, you know, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. And there’s all sorts of things that you’re supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we’re probably just gonna die and I would like to feel that maybe you would- (Oz leans forward and kisses her, slowly.)
WILLOW: What are you doing?
OZ: Panicking.

And then... Willow finds him in a cage with another werewolf. A girl werewolf.
OZ: Willow...
WILLOW: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
OZ: I know what you saw. It wasn’t-- I had to. I had to lock her in there with me.
WILLOW: I bet.
OZ: She’s like me. A wolf.
WILLOW: Well, I knew you two had a lot in common, but... Don’t touch me! (She jerks back.)
OZ: She was gonna hurt somebody. I didn’t have a choice.
WILLOW: But you did. You could’ve told somebody. Your solution... Just put you two together in a room all night?
VERUCA: Girl’s got a point.
OZ: (Angrily.) Leave.
VERUCA: I’m just saying--
OZ: (Shouts) Now! I’m sorry. I know.
WILLOW: I knew, you jerk. And you sat there, and you told me everything was fine? And that’s as bad as... As... (Now crying.)
OZ: I know how it feels. I remember.
WILLOW: Oh. So what, this is payback? I had this coming?
OZ: No. It’s not--
WILLOW: Because I thought that was behind us. And you know, what happened with Xander, it doesn’t compare. Not with what you and I had. Not with whatever you’ve been doing with her.
OZ: I don’t know what Veruca and I have done. When I change, it’s like, it’s like I’m gone and the wolf takes over.
WILLOW: But before this, when you were regular Oz, you had feelings for her, didn’t you?
OZ: No. I could sense something, but...
WILLOW: But you wanted her... Like in an animal way? Like...More than you wanted me? (She runs off, tears streaming down her face.)
OZ: Willow!

WILLOW: What are you doing?
OZ: I’m going.
WILLOW: Now?
OZ: Mm-hmm.
WILLOW: That’s your solution?
OZ: That’s my decision.
WILLOW: Don’t I get any say in this?
OZ: No. Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don’t know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn’t be around you... Or anybody.
WILLOW: (Crying.) Well, that could be a problem ‘cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic.
OZ: I’ll find someplace.
WILLOW: Well, how long?
OZ: I don’t know.
WILLOW: Oz... Don’t you love me?
OZ: My whole life... I’ve never loved anything else.
WILLOW: Oz... Oh, god. Oz...

And then Oz came back. But things were different.
BUFFY: I wanna hear about you and Oz. You saw him, right?
WILLOW: I was with him all night.
BUFFY: All night? (Grins) Oh my god. Wait. Last night was a wolf moon, right?
WILLOW: Yup.
BUFFY: Either you’re about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or-
WILLOW: No kink. (Smiling) He didn’t change, Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure, and he did. In Tibet.
BUFFY: (smiling) Oh my god. I can’t believe it. (Pause) Okay, I’m all with the woo-hoo here, and you’re not.
WILLOW: No, there’s “woo” and, and “hoo.” But there’s “uh-oh,” and... “why now?” And... it’s complicated.
BUFFY: Why complicated?
WILLOW: (sighs, steels herself) It’s complicated... because of Tara.
BUFFY: (frowns) You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No. Oh! Oh. Um... well... that’s great. You know, I mean, I think Tara’s a, a really great girl, Will.
WILLOW: She is. And... there’s something between us. It-it wasn’t something I was looking for. It’s just powerful. And it’s totally different from what Oz and I have.
BUFFY: Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that’s what’s important, Will.
WILLOW: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
BUFFY: (with false cheer) Like what, Will?
WILLOW: (sits up) Are you freaked?
BUFFY: What? No, Will, d- (stops herself, sighs) No. No, absolutely no to that question. I’m glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?
WILLOW: I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back. (Buffy looks sympathetic.)
WILLOW: He’s Oz, you know?
BUFFY: Yeah. I know.

OZ: I shouldn’t have come back now.... I just thought I’d changed.
WILLOW: You have changed. (Smiles) You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
OZ: But I couldn’t look at you. I mean, it turns out... the one thing that brings it out in me is you... which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
WILLOW: It was my fault. I upset you.
OZ: Well, so we’re safe then, (sarcastic) cause you’ll never do that again. But... you’re happy?
WILLOW: (smiles) I am. I can’t explain it-
OZ: It may be safer for both of us if you don’t.
WILLOW: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... but I didn’t have any place to send them, you know? I couldn’t live like that.
OZ: It was stupid to think that you’d just be... waiting.
WILLOW: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I’m old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won’t be surprised. Because... you’re with me, you know?
OZ: I know. (Pause) But now is not that time, I guess.
WILLOW: No. (pause) What are you gonna do?
OZ: I think I better take off.
WILLOW: When?
OZ: Pretty much now.

FINALLY... another proponent of Lost

After listening to all of the bellyachers and whiners and complainers going on and on and on about Lost -- "they're just not telling me enough"; "I prefer Heroes because at least they're answering my questions"; "last night's episode just didn't do it for me"; "I miss how good this show was in the first two seasons" -- and in some cases, having to listen to the moaning much longer than that (hint: he's related to me, and we share the same parents) I read this article with much glee this morning. Finally, someone out there feels exactly the way I do about Lost. If the series is going to go to the end of season 4, then we have at least 34 episodes left. If it'll go to the end of season 5, then we'll have over 50 episodes left. Why, exactly, do the fans want ALL of the secrets revealed right this instant? Somehow we all watched Buffy for 7 years, never knowing how Slayers were chosen, where the Watchers originated, etc., and yet we didn't mind the week-to-week stories. Little tidbits were revealed as we went. Or what about Alias? Midway through season 2, the show suddenly changed completely; Sydney's double-agentness was found out, she managed to bring down SD-6, and the show changed direction. And that new direction was sub-par compared to the old direction. Then in season 3, it changed direction again, and the show began to truly suck.

Is that what we want for Lost? I'm happy having secrets revealed here and there, while a great story is told. Everyone wanted to get back to the beach during the first 6 episodes. I know I'm not the only person who completely missed the Others last week. These people are fascinating and mysterious and I love watching them and trying to figure them out.

As I've said in several interviews while promoting my book, Lost is one of those rare shows for people who like to read long books. If you prefer reading the Reader's Digest version, or reading an article on the same subject that will give you the key points, you're probably better suited to CSI or Law & Order. Both are good shows, but they begin with a question, and end with an answer, and you don't have to stay tuned week after week to actually watch the mystery unfold. But for those of us who could read 600-page Victorian novels and marvel at the slow way things came together, watching connections being made and characters meeting and mysteries being solved, Lost is a great show.

I adore Heroes, y'all know that. But let's see if IT is as brilliant in season 3 as it is in season 1. Can it keep up its momentum? Will it reveal most of the secrets in a stunning season finale, and then by season 2 we don't really care much about these people because we already know everything about them? I'm praying that's not the case, but it's easy to complain about a show that's 3 years old and love a show that's new. In 2005, we all gushed over Lost, too.

I say all of this, by the way, knowing that we've discussed the problems of Lost here on this blog, and that most of my readers DO love Lost and thankfully haven't given up on it. :)

So anyway, without any further ado, here's the first part of the article. It's not just a defense of Lost; the writer says that a ton of major, major secrets will be revealed in March, when most of the rest of television has gone on hiatus, interestingly enough. Let's hope some of the naysayers come back and realize the show is as great as they initially thought it was. The rest of the article can be found here, and I haven't even read it because it warns that it contains major, major spoilers. So be forewarned if you click through.

LOST To Deliver the Goods in March
March 6, 2007- Jon Lachonis, a BuddyTV Senior Writer

I know, I'm woefully out of fashion here not falling immediately into the "bash LOST" groove that much of the mainstream is dancing to these days. Luckily, I'm in the company of millions of fans world wide who continue to be completely satisfied with LOST's novel like approach to telling its story. (By novel I mean the ones with pages.) I've used this analogy on TheTailsection before, if LOST is planned to end in season four or five, then we are roughly in the second third of the story. What book worth a read gives up it secrets at this early stage? If on page four-hundred of The Stand, Stu and company met up with a gypsy psychic who told them they'd be sacrificing themselves to stop Flagg in the end, how pissed would we be when exactly that happened? The fact of the matter is, the LOST bashers have missed the fact that LOST is in fact progressing its story in an extremely compelling fashion, and
March will be one of the most revealing months to date. Beware, minor spoilers lurk ahead.

The fact of the matter is, most of the complaints about LOST have no basis in reality. If LOST, for instance, were to suddenly stop creating new mysteries, imagine the furor. For instance, this week, we meet the mysterious Eye Patch guy. Months ago, when Patchy made his Uber creepy reveal, some fans said "Oh great, another damn mystery", now, however, Patchy will be the character who reveals to us what the association is between the others and Dharma.

How absolutely boring would it have been for eye patch guy to just stroll into camp unannounced and start blurting out details? LOST doesn't shirk it's responsibility to answer questions any more than it does its responsibility to do it in a compelling way. But, enough pontificating, onto the secrets....

Buffy: The Moments that Made Me Laugh, Part II

And from the later years...

As the gang is trying to destroy Adam:
BUFFY: Colonel—
COLONEL: Shut up. You've got some nerve, lady. You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation brandishing weapons like-- Like--
WILLOW: It's a gourd.
GILES: A magic gourd.
COLONEL: What kind of freaks are you people?


XANDER: Right you can’t just go ‘librum incendere’ and expect.. (The page of Xander’s book bursts into flame. He slams the book closed, extinguishing the fire.)
GILES: Xander, don’t speak Latin in front of the books.



Xander snaps back after Dracula's turned him into a slavish Renfeld:
XANDER: (back to talking normally) Where is he?? Where’s the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
BUFFY: He’s gone.
XANDER: Dammit! You know what? I’m sick of this crap. I’m sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it’s over. I’m finished being everybody’s butt-monkey!
BUFFY: Check. No more butt-monkey.


SPIKE: I will know your blood, Slayer. (pause) I will make your neck my chalice ... and drink deep. (He wipes blood from his nose again, turns, and tries to stride away purposefully, but he falls into an open grave. Long shot of the graveyard looking empty, with the open grave in the foreground.)
SPIKE: (voice coming from the grave) Ow!


The Watcher's Council comes to town and begins questioning everyone:
NIGEL: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
TARA: O-o-our relationship?
WILLOW: We’re friends.
TARA: Good friends.
WILLOW: Girlfriends, actually.
TARA: Yes, we’re girlfriends.
WILLOW: We’re in love. We’re ... lovers. (puts hand on Tara’s knee) We’re lesbian, gay-type lovers.
NIGEL: I meant your relationship with the Slayer. (Both girls look embarrassed. Willow removes her hand from Tara’s knee.)
TARA: Um, just good friends.


BUFFY: Stay close but don’t crowd her. We’ll follow in a minute. Everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I’ll kill anyone who comes near Dawn. (exits)
SPIKE: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin’s Day speech, was it?
GILES: “We few...we happy few...”
SPIKE: “We band of buggered...”


JONATHAN: Where’re we going?
WARREN: To Final Jeopardy. Where Buffy’s the one in jeopardy.
ANDREW: We are really super-villains now, like ... like Dr. No.
WARREN: Yeah, back when Bond was Connery, and movies were decent.
JONATHAN: (scornful) Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth.
WARREN: You’re insane. You’re short, and you’re insane.
ANDREW: I like Timothy Dalton! (Warren smacks Andrew upside the head.) Hey!
WARREN: Don’t make me pull over, okay?
(later)
WARREN: Connery is Bond. He had style.
JONATHAN: Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny.
WARREN: Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It’s retarded. Besides, the guy had, like, no edge.
ANDREW: Dalton had edge. In Licence to Kill he was a rogue agent. That’s edgy. And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
JONATHAN: Yeah, which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton!
WARREN: Okay, this is stupid! We’re wasting time. End of discussion. (beat) I mean, there’s a shot of like pigeons, doing double-takes when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker ... is inexcusable.
WARREN: Connery is the only actor of the bunch.
ANDREW: Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and BEAT SEAN CONNERY OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!!
WARREN: (grimly) Okay, that’s it. (they scuffle)
JONATHAN: Hey! Stop it! Guys! (Sees Buffy approaching in the monitors) Look!
ANDREW: Oh, she’s coming over here! What do we do?
WARREN: Jonathan, grab your magic bone! (they giggle)


After everyone loses their memories, Anya and Giles believe they're married.
GILES: Perhaps we should try another book. (Anya’s standing on a chair, surrounded by bunnies)
ANYA: No! This book made the little fluffers, and this book’s gonna send ‘em back. I’ve got it this time, okay. (reads) ‘Himble abri, abri voyon.’ (Another bunny)
GILES: Yes, dear.
(... later ...)
GILES: Clearly that is not a helpful book, darling. Come down, and we will go about fixing this in a sensible fashion!
ANYA: Sensible! You think it’s sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?
GILES: Fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies! That’s a capital plan!
ANYA: What capital? I never know what you’re talking about. Loo, shag, brolly, what the hell is all that?
GILES: What? There’s no way that you could remember me saying any of those words.
ANYA: Oh, bugger off, you brolly.


Giles begins collecting Potential Slayers from around the world, and when Chao-Ahn arrives, unable to speak a word of English, he takes her to the mall for a few things. He communicates by using flashcards with monsters drawn on them, which terrifies her.
GILES: (arriving with Chao-Ahn) Dear lord, I hate that mall. The shop assistants are rude. And everything in the Food Court is sticky.
WILLOW: Looks like you found her some stuff.
GILES: Oh, hello. Yes.
XANDER: That’s gotta be rough. Getting just like pulled out of your home, being told you’re a potential slayer, not being able to bring anything.
GILES: Yes, and the language barrier is formidable. I was concerned that my Mandarin is a little thin, but as it turns out, she speaks Cantonese, which is thinner. But we muddled through, and, as I suspected, ice cream is a universal language.
CHAO-AHN: (speaking Chinese, subtitled) Like many from Asia, I am lactose intolerant. I’m very uncomfortable.
BUFFY: (smiling, nodding) What’d she say?
GILES: She’s grateful to be in the land of plenty. (to Chao-Ahn, slowly) Let’s, um, go and put away your new clothes. (picks up bags and walks upstairs; Chao-Ahn nods and follows)
(later)
GILES: It is late. Perhaps a little reconnaissance might be helpful.
CHAO-AHN: (comes downstairs, subtitled) Why is everyone up? Are the flashcard monsters attacking?
GILES: (to the others) She says she can’t sleep. (to Chao-Ahn) Um, I made myself some warm milk. You can have it.
CHAO-AHN: (speaking Chinese angrily, subtitled) You’re trying to kill me!
GILES: She’s shy.


(Andrew narrates over old Faith scene montage)
ANDREW: Faith. Her name alone invokes awe. Faith. A set of principles or beliefs on which you are willing to devote your life. The dark slayer. A lethal combination of beauty, power, and death. For years and years—or to be more accurate—months, Faith fought on the side of good, terrorizing the evil community. But like so many tragic heroes, Faith was seduced by the lure of the dark side. She wrapped evil around her like a large, evil Mexican serape. She became a cold-blooded killer. Nobody was immune to her trail of destruction. Not friends, not family... Not even the most pacifist and logical of races. (we see Faith fighting a Star Trek Vulcan)
AMANDA: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
ANDREW: Silly, silly Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
AMANDA: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor.
ANDREW: Ah, yes. Well, regardless...

Buffy: The Moments that Made Me Laugh, Part I
While most of my favourite moments on Buffy are the ones where Joss and Co. reached into my chest, ripped my heart out, showed it to me, stomped on it, and then put it back in backwards, I still loved Buffy for the funny moments. Just reading the lines can make me laugh, though watching them is even funnier. Here are some of my favourite lines from the early years.

When Giles first meets Buffy and tells her she's the Chosen One:
BUFFY: Oh, why can’t you people just leave me alone?
GILES: Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...
BUFFY: (interrupts and joins in) ...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I’ve heard it, okay?
GILES: I really don’t understand this attitude. You, you’ve accepted your duty, you, you’ve slain vampires before...
BUFFY: Yeah, and I’ve both been there and done that, and I’m moving on.
GILES: What do you know about this town?
BUFFY: It’s two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?
GILES: Dig a bit in the history of this place. You’ll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that, that, that you might not find elsewhere.
BUFFY: Like vampires.
GILES: Like zombies [begins stacking books on each of the topics in Buffy's arms], werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you’ve ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn’t be by the light of day. They’re all real!
BUFFY: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
GILES: Ah, w-w-w-yes.
BUFFY: Did you get the free phone?
GILES: Um, the calendar.
BUFFY: Cool!


GILES: Spontaneous human combustion is, is rare, and, and scientifically unexplainable, but there have been cases for hundreds of years. Usually all that’s left is a pile of ashes.
WILLOW: That’s all that would have been left if it hadn’t been for Buffy.
XANDER: So, we have no idea what caused this. That’s a comfort.
GILES: But that’s the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There’s a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. (everyone looks at him) Pardon me for finding the glass half full.


BUFFY: Cool! Crossbow! Huh. Check out these babies. Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot?
GILES: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. You must first become proficient with the basic tools of combat. And let’s begin... ...with the quarterstaff. Which, incidentally, will, uh, require countless hours of vigorous training. I speak from experience.
BUFFY: Giles, 20th Century? I’m not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck.
GILES: You never know with whom or what you’ll be fighting. And these traditions have been handed down through the ages. Now, you show me good, steady progress with the quarterstaff, and in due course we’ll discuss the crossbow. Put on your pads.
BUFFY: (laughs) I’m not gonna need pads to fight you.
GILES: Well, we’ll see about that. En garde! (she knocks him quickly to the ground) Good. Let’s move on to the crossbow.


MASTER: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world.
BUFFY: I don’t think it’s yours just yet.
MASTER: You’re dead!
BUFFY: I may be dead, but I’m still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
MASTER: You were destined to die! It was written!
BUFFY: What can I say? I flunked the written.
MASTER: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn’t below?
BUFFY: You have fruit punch mouth.
MASTER: What? (punches his mouth, and he falls)
BUFFY: Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists. (more fighting, Master gets the upperhand)
MASTER: Where are your jibes now? You laugh when my Hell is on Earth?
BUFFY: You’re that amped about Hell... Go there! (flips him through the skylight, he is impaled on a broken table below)


BUFFY: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
WILLOW: No. But you said, ‘The cow should touch me from Thursday.’
BUFFY: Maybe that’s what I was feeling.
WILLOW: And you said it wrong.
BUFFY: Oh, je stink.


XANDER: Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is?
BUFFY: Hmm, I’m avoiding the subject.
XANDER: I think it’s kale, or possibly string cheese. So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last night?
BUFFY: (gives him a stern look) Xander!
XANDER: I mean, how’d the laying go? (gets another look from Buffy) No, I don’t mean that either.
BUFFY: It went fine, thank you. There’s some new hoity-toity vampire sect in town.
WILLOW: That’s bad.
XANDER: Well, hey, they’re bringing in the much needed tourist dollars.


WILLOW: The only thing I could track down was this address. The Sunset Club. Still didn’t find anything incriminating.
ANGEL: He leaves no paper trail, no records, that’s incriminating enough.
XANDER: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
ANGEL: Could you not call me that?


BUFFY: Sorry to beep you guys in the middle of... stuff, but it seemed really weird.
GILES: No, you did the right thing. Absolutely.
JENNY: You hated it that much?
GILES: No! But, but, uh, vampires on campus is, could have implications. Very, very grave...
JENNY: You coulda just said something.
GILES: Uh, honestly, I, I’ve always, I’ve always been interested in, in, uh, monster trucks.
BUFFY: You took him to monster trucks?
JENNY: I thought it would be a change!
GILES: It was a change.
JENNY: Look, we could’ve just left.
GILES: Wha-what, and miss the nitro-burning funny cars? No, couldn’t have that.


CORDELIA, flipping through a book of demons: Eww, what does this do?
GILES: What?
CORDELIA: What does this do?
GILES: Uh, it, uh, extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
CORDELIA: Wow! What does this one do?
GILES: Um, i-it elongates its mouth to, uh, engulf its victim’s head with its incisors.
CORDELIA: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
GILES: (frustrated) It asks endless questions of those with whom it’s supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
CORDELIA: Boy, there’s a demon for everything!


OZ: You got the goods?
XANDER: Yeah. Essence of toad, twice-blessed sage, maybe that’s the toad?
OZ: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation.
XANDER: Well, then, they shouldn’t leave it in the hands of the lay people.
OZ: Oh, Willow laid it out for us pretty well.
XANDER: Wow! She even drew helpful diagrams. That’s the pedestal.
OZ: And the ingredients. And us. See, there’s you and there’s me.
XANDER: Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me.
OZ: Well, this one’s me. See the little guitar?
XANDER: Oh, gotcha.
OZ: Nobody like my Willow.
XANDER: No sir, there is not.
OZ: Okay, toad me.

After being terrified of a fear demon, he suddenly appears, and he's about six inches tall.
BUFFY: This is Gachnar?
XANDER: Big overture. Little show.
GACHNAR: I am the dark lord of nightmares! (Buffy tries not to laugh) The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
WILLOW: He - he’s no cute!
GACHNAR: Tremble!
XANDER: Who’s a little fear demon? Come on! Who’s a little fear demon!
GILES: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No, it’s just... tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying...
BUFFY: Size doesn’t matter?
GACHNAR: They’re all going to abandon you, you know.
BUFFY: Yeah, Yeah. (We get a shot of Buffy’s huge foot as she stomps down and squishes the fear demon.)


(Spike is being held captive in Giles's house, and Giles is keeping him chained to the bathtub.)
SPIKE: (Yells) Come on, now! It’s telly time! (Giles is on the phone. The answering machine for Buffy and Willow picks up)
Machine: “This is Buffy and Willow. We’re not in right now, so please leave a message.”
GILES: Oh, uh, Willow.. It’s Giles. Um.. I thought you were bringing the ingredients for that spell? I really have to—
SPIKE: (v.o.) “Passions” is on! Timmy’s down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I’ll-
GILES: (Yells to Spike) You’ll do what? Lick me to death? (back into phone) Look, uh.. Willow.. I think we ought to try the spell. Among other things, I’d like to shower sometime today. Alone.


(They change strategies, and move Spike to Xander's house.)
SPIKE: Don’t see why I have to be tied up.
XANDER: It’s just while I’m sleeping.
SPIKE: Like I’d bite you anyway.
XANDER: Oh you would.
SPIKE: Not bloody likely.
XANDER: I happen to be very biteable pal. I’m moist and delicious.
SPIKE: Alright, yeah fine you’re a nummy treat.
XANDER: And don’t you forget it.
SPIKE, pretending to be Anya: Xander, don’t you care about me?
XANDER: Shut up!
SPIKE: We never talk.
XANDER: Shut up!
SPIKE: Xaaannnder.
XANDER: Shut up!

Heroes, Ep 18: Like Any Parasite
Wow, it just gets better and better!! This episode ROCKED. Hands down the best ep yet. There were more gasps and “NO!” and “AH!” moments in this episode than any one yet. The new shapeshifter chick, Candice, is a complete bitch, and I love to hate her already. Claire constantly asking to go home seemed a little short-sighted on her part, considering she knows her dad had to lose his memory to do all of this.

Gaspy Moments:
-Mrs. Bennet actually remembering everything and telling Bennet. Go Mrs. Bennet! At first I couldn’t figure out why Bennet would have had SO much of his memory removed that he would actually be hunting down Claire and the Haitian, but his plan with Mrs. Bennet was genius.
-Mohinder drugging Sylar. YEAH!!
-Simone showing up at Isaac’s apartment. Then turning into Candice.
-Ando as the security guard!
-Sylar stopping the bullet in mid-air… I was beginning to wonder why he wasn’t using his mind powers against Mohinder.
-Mrs. Bennet actually being… Candice!! ACK! (though I should have noticed her cellphone ring was different)
-Mohinder on the ceiling!!
-Sylar grabbing Peter and beginning to cut his head off!!!
-THE SHOW ENDING RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!

Fave moments:
-the Previously on Heroes voiceover done by Hiro in Japanese, with Japanese subtitles
-Mrs. Bennet’s cellphone ring, hahahahahahaha!
-Nathan putting his hand over Hiro’s mouth before he can yell FLYING MAN!
-the look on the bouncer’s face when Nathan shows up with Hiro.
-Mohinder holding the tuning fork to Sylar’s ear!
-Ian Gomez as the museum curator (hmm… another Lost crossover??)
-“This painting is ripped. And repaired with scotch tape.”
-Claire meeting Granny (talk about being frightened by your grandma immediately)
-Malcolm McDowell as Linderman!! Awesome. I was waiting for him to dance around like Alex and talk about doing some ultraviolence on Nathan (they could have at least painted big eyelashes around his right eye)

Nitpicks:
-for all of Mohinder’s brains, why is he so stupid? And why didn’t Sylar detect Mohinder’s heartbeat increasing as he brought him the Chai tea? There’s no way Mohinder was able to stay super calm while doing that.
-what kind of silly program runs through all of the swords in its system like a DNA program on a police computer? Unless there were 10,000 swords in Linderman’s possession, the computer should have immediately just shown the location of the Kensei sword.
-don’t the writers know that the audience is kind of aware that when a character says, “oh my god, I have ALL THE ANSWERS right here! This is everything, the key to the universe!” that they probably won’t last much longer?

Questions:
-what will happen to Matt? Was he prepared to lie about Bennet, since he’s siding with him at this point?
-why does Canada always play a role in exiled heroes? Eden’s body was found there, and Claire’s ticket was for Canada. Despite what Americans might think, Canada is NOT a place filled with refugee heroes. Some of my closest friends have no powers.
-how did Bennet honestly think his house – which has been reduced to cinders – was damaged in a FLOOD??
-what did Candice do with Mrs. Bennet? (Now we know why she took such an interest in Mrs. Bennet’s hair)
-what’s with her Catholic schoolgirl look? What’s with her bossing around Bennet? Doesn’t he have some sort of seniority over her?
-where is Isaac going to go?
-How did Niki manage to get away from Jessica and physically put Nathan’s photo on DL’s pillow?
-how did Niki take over Jessica to warn Nathan?
-how did Candice know about Mr. Muggles being at a dog hospital? When Bennet first walks in Mrs. Bennet is brushing her hair and says that the hotel is letting her bring him into the room.
-how far into the future have Ando and Hiro gone?
-so who exactly is Linderman, and how does he know everything? Does he have powers?
-Why did Isaac’s pictures make it look like Mohinder was the one who was going to lose the top of his skull? (the pictures had a guy with a beard and mustache, and curly black hair) Would Sylar really suck the brain of someone who didn’t possess any powers?
-Did Sylar manage to remove Peter’s head? Or can Peter instantly heal the way Claire does? Or can Peter suck the powers from Sylar to stay safe? It will be interesting to see these guys go toe to toe, because I don’t think Sylar will be able to deskullify Peter so easily.

Next week: NO NEW EPISODE. In fact, no new Heroes until April 23rd. Waaaaaah!

Side note: Ali Larter (Nikessica) appeared at WonderCon recently, and apparently some stupid fanboy got up and was totally rude to her for her character. Look, I’m not a huge fan of the character, but attacking the ACTRESS like this? Come ON. There was a rundown of the attack on Ain’t It Cool News (where you can also read a section on Joel Silver being attacked for removing Joss Whedon from Wonder Woman):

As the actors took to the stage, it was inevitable that Larter would be asked HEROES questions, but the very first question drew the ire of the entire room. This fat guy said that he and his friends “love the show, but think that yours is the worst character. [Lots of boos] Even though you're a so-so actress [More boos], is there a possibility that you can ask them to kill your character off [The folks next to me call to have this guy castrated].” To her credit, Ali took it in stride and just told him that she’s glad he enjoys the show. Once that asshole was gone, she was asked the difference between shooting film vs. tv. She said how a film allows you to work on one character from start-to-finish, but in television, you’re getting a new script every week for someone who’s constantly evolving. She mentioned that she was going to be working on an unamed film in the show's hiatus.

It just comes off as one of those moments in most fan conventions where people just want to throw something at the loser hogging the mike.

Buffy: The Best and the Worst
When working on the Toronto Star article, Malene and I came up with separate best of lists of our top 10 eps, and our least favourite 5. Then for space reasons they asked us to put them together, so we combined them as the top 15, bottom 5. And then for space reasons they cut them altogether.

Buffy, like most shows, is made up of moments. It's hard to dislike entire episodes, or say this one episode is better than another. But it's in remembering the favourite moments of the series -- the ones that made you weep, or sob, or laugh out loud -- that we realize why we loved a certain show. The scene, pictured, for example, just hurts my heart looking at it. I can hear the music swelling, I know what she's about to do next, and what the repercussions of that act will be. (Oh god, I think I have to go watch Becoming Part II RIGHT NOW.) Buffy jumping off the tower, with the voiceover of her telling Dawn the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Buffy wandering into the house and seeing her mom on the couch and saying, "Whatcha doin? Mom? ...Mom?... Mommy?" (Oh man, now I have to go watch The Body.) Spike tied to a chair yelling at Buffy, "YOU MADE A BEAR!! Undo it! Undo it!" (Whew, I needed something funny in there or I was gonna lose it.) Spike sitting by Buffy's bed near the end of the series and telling her what an amazing person she is. It's these moments that make a show. And interestingly enough, my all-time favourite moment on Buffy -- "I'd like to test that theory" -- was in an episode that didn't make it to the top 15. So it goes to show that moments can be more important than the entire package.

I'll feature some of my favourite quotes throughout the week. But until then, here was the list that was supposed to run as a sidebar with the article (the list of eps combined my and Malene's choices, and the mini-descriptions are Malene's). Feel free to debate, argue, and mostly agree with me. And Crissy, I'm definitely looking forward to your defense of Beer Bad. ;)

BEST 15
"Passion" The one where Angelus torments Buffy and breaks Jenny's neck
"Becoming, Part II" The one where Buffy kills Angel
"The Wish" The one with the alternate reality and skanky, vampy Willow
"The Zeppo" The one where Xander saves the day
"Pangs" The one where Buffy frantically cooks Thanksgiving dinner, fights Indian spirits and gives Spike asylum
"Hush" The one that's silent
"A New Man" The one where Giles becomes a demon
"Restless" The one with the cool hallucinations
"Fool for Love" The one where we learn Spike was a wussy poet
"The Body" The one where Buffy's mother dies
"The Gift" The one where Buffy sacrifices herself and, kinda, dies. For the second time
"Once More with Feeling" The one where everybody sings
"Tabula Rasa" The one where no one remembers who they are
"Conversations with Dead People" The one where conversations are had with, well, dead people

WORST 5
"I Robot, You Jane" The one where Willow falls in love with a stupid cyber monster thingy.
"Beer Bad" The one where Buffy gets drunk and her hair is super-ugly
"Superstar" The one where a wimpy geek alters reality
"Where the Wild Things Are" The one where Riley and Buffy can't stop having sex. Gag. Eew.
"Him" The one where everyone, even the lesbian, falls in love with a teenaged football player

Why Buffy Still Slays Us...
Today's Toronto Star featured an article on Buffy the Vampire Slayer written by Star columnist Malene Arpe and me. The layout totally rocked, with the full front page of the section having a huge colour plate from the comic book, due to hit stores Tuesday. The article was in celebration of that, and that Buffy's 10th anniversary is later this week, on March 10th.

You can read the article online here. It was accompanied by a graphic about Buffy's legacy, and you can see that here.

Malene and I came up with a list of Buffy best and worst episodes, but sadly it was cut for space reasons (considering how much of the article remained intact, I can't complain). I'll post the complete list here tomorrow, and we can have much fun debating if we're right or off our rockers.

Consider this the kick-off to Buffy week! To paraphrase Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, we should live every week like it's Buffy Week.

30 Rock: The Source Awards
I was SO excited when 30 Rock was new last night; after repeats of The Office and everything else, I was expecting to see a repeat of this as well, but it was new! Best moments:

Liz: When I was 8 I had my name on the scoreboard at a Philly's game, and they spelled it "Lez," but it was still pretty cool.

Jack: Well well WELL, LEMON! Steven's a good man, he's on partner track at Dewey, and he's a Black.
Liz: A... BLACK?! that is OFFENSIVE!
Jack: No, that's his last name, Steven Black. Good family. Remarkable people, the Blacks. Musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers... again, I'm talking about the family.

Tracy breakdancing.

Jack looking into the wine and saying, "Is that a piece of corn in there?"

Liz: So... how about Lost this season?
Steven: Sorry, I don't own a TV.
Liz: Really... what do you sit and look at?

Jack to Ridikolous: Now you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter, 'Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus.' [best line of the show!]

Kenneth to another page: Want some juicy office gossip? They're closing the C-bank elevators for maintenance.
Jack [coming out of office with Ridikolous]: That would have been a great way to shoot Tracy. Well, maybe next time.
Kenneth: Were you gentlemen not given visitor's badges, or did y'all just not feel like wearin' em?
Ridikolous: Jack, what's up with yo man?
Jack: This is our Kenneth. How's it going, Kenneth? [to R] He's very unstable.

Listening to Jack run down the hiphop names.
Jack: MC Skat Kat! Homonculus! Raw Dog!
Tracy: Hell NO! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.
[flashback] Two young boys: Brush your teeth! Brush your teeth! When it's time for bed you gotta brush your teeth! [they both jump up in the air and land on the ground.]
Director: Cut!
Young Raw Dog (who seems more like Ridikolous): Hey chump, you scuffed my sneakers. Dr. J wears these!
Young Tracy: I'm sorry man... I'm pretty drunk.
RD: Know what? I'm gonna eat your family.

Jack: Tracy, if it makes you feel more comfortable I'd be happy to loan you a handgun.
Liz: What?
Jack: Oh. Mother. I forgot you were there.

Ridikolous: What colour plane you wanna buy?
Jack: Clear. Like Wonder Woman's.

Tracy: Ken, I just want you to know before I go that I've loved being your mentor. And it's an honor you being my manatee.
Ken asks how he can help.
Tracy: Nothing, Ken, I'm just going through the classic stages of grief: Fear, Denial, Horniness, Wisdom, Sleepiness, and now Depression.

Ken: Aren't you the man who told me to live every week like it's Shark Week? And that nothing is impossible except for dinosaurs? Don't give up on life, Sir.
Tracy: Wow. The manatee's become the mento.

Tracy: I've got a plan. I'm gonna find a homeless man, dress him up like me, set him on fire, then I'm going to start a brand new life in Arizona under the name Juan Mexico.
Tracy's entourage look at each other: We ain't doin that.

Tracy, as Oprah: What would I do, Tracy? What would I dooooooo-oooooooooo?

Jack, getting off cellphone: That was the lab. The monkey died of natural causes, so we're in the clear.

Tracy channeling Oprah at the Source awards [Did anyone else think Tracy looked a LOT like Oprah??]: You're all wonders, you're all my miracles, you're all my children of the corn!

Liz: He's channelling Oprah.
Steven: Why, because he's articulate?
Liz: [fake laughs, then stops] There is something about you that I just don't like.

Ridikolous: You're lucky Jack's got your back.
Kenneth: Well I... [leans forward and tweaks R's nose] have got your nose! [runs away]
R: Jay, go get my nose back.

Liz shooting Steven in the ass.
Jack: Good GOD, Lemon, you shot a BLACK! [gasps all around] Oh... no no no no...

Ridikolous: You're making a mockery of the Source Awards! Wait'll I tell Tupac about this.
[uncomfortable silence]
Jack: I didn't hear anything.


One huge nitpick: There's a quick scene of the guy from Cristal saying he doesn't want to be associated with the hiphop community, and the subtitle uses the word "appreicate." How the hell could a show on NBC have a spelling error like that without anyone with a basic knowledge of English seeing it?

But no worries. I love this show anyway, spelling mistakes and all. :)

Lost, Ep 10: Tricia Tanaka Is Dead
Tonight’s ep of Lost felt more like a season 1 ep, with something being found in the jungle, great lines, Sawyer being laid-back and using nicknames on everyone around him, Hurley and Charlie goofing around.

Except there’s history now. Hurley has lost Libby, and is a broken man looking to reclaim a former happiness. Charlie believes he’s a man marked by fate, about to die at any instant. Sawyer’s slept with Kate and has been tortured by the Others.

In Hurley’s flashback this week, we finally see the father that I assumed was either dead or had left the family. Cheech Marin plays the deadbeat dad who walks out on his family, and 17 years later, when he hears his son has hit the jackpot, comes back. It’s not a big revelatory flashback, but it inspires Hurley to finally get out of that funk he’s been in the entire time, and begin to believe that he’s NOT cursed, which is a pretty big deal. In doing so, he helps convince Charlie that there is no such thing as fate (wonder what Locke would say to that?) We already knew a meteorite had hit Mr. Cluck’s, and now we see the circumstances surrounding it. We know that he goes to Australia, so there was no way his dad was going to keep him there, but it’s interesting to see what happened.

Highlights:
-How boring Hurley is on camera when Tricia Tanaka is interviewing him.
-Nikki and Paulo NOT going with Hurley. Thank the GODS. I was so worried for a second there…
-Jin inadvertently volunteering to help Hurley with the car, and Hurley’s amusement.
-Kate pulling the dart out of Sawyer’s foot and making fun of him saying “Little House.” It was like the old Kate and Sawyer again, however fleeting.
-“Dude… Roger was on a beer run.”
-Roger’s head popping off when Hurley and Jin try to pull him out.
-Hurley hugging Sawyer and being super-excited to see Sawyer
-Sawyer saying Jin’s hooked on phonics
-Mrs. Reyes covering her golden Personal Jesus’s ears to say she has needs (Locke would say that the Jesus was the thing that brought them the bad luck; it’s a false idol, after all)
-the butlers, Mr. Tran and Lady Tran, being from Bennigan’s
-Hurley referring to the dead guy as Roger Workman (and Sawyer calling him Skeletor)
-Hurley warning Sawyer the beer was there before Rocky III, maybe Rocky II
-the psychic admitting she lied after Hurley offers her $10,000
-Sawyer calling Hurley International House of Pancakes
-Sawyer teaching Jin the three things a woman needs to hear
-“What’s your problem, Jumbotron?” “Shut up, Red… Neck… Man.” “Touché.”
-the guys riding around in circles in the van
-Sayid mocking Locke by saying they know where to go by how the light hit Eko’s stick when they were burying him
-ROUSSEAU! When Kate first left the beach, I was SO hoping that’s who she was going to get. I cannot wait to see her reunited with Alex.

Oops: When Vincent’s first coming out of the jungle, the hand is in his mouth, but in the very next shot, the arm is turned and the hand is away from his mouth.
-Charlie shaved on the beach, and a couple of hours later riding shotgun with Hurley he’s got a full day’s stubble.
-the van looks like it’s going 100mph down the hill, but then Hurley just suddenly turns the wheel and it doesn’t flip over?

Questions:
-How did Randy end up at the box company in Tustin after this?
-what is up with Nikki and Paulo? Why did he grab her belt loop? Possessive much? Why do the writers insist that they're likable people, yet they keep making them so damn unlikable?
-how did Roger die?
-why was there a ton of recycling in the van?
-Did Hurley and Charlie break the curse?

Did You Notice?:
-near the end, when Sawyer sits outside his tent and drinks the beer, he looks like he’s returned home. The beach is home to them now.
-the song on the 8-track in the VW bus is the same song playing at the beginning of the episode in the early Hugo flashback. The song is Shambala by 3 Dog Night.

Shambala
Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrows, wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala

*Ooooh... yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah yeah*
*This part repeats twice after each verse

Everyone is helpful, everyone is kind
On the road to Shambala
Everyone is lucky, everyone is so kind
On the road to Shambala

How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala

I can tell my sister 'bout the flowers in her eyes
On the road to Shambala
I can tell my brother 'bout the flowers in his eyes
On the road to Shambala

How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
Tell me how, how does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
Tell me how, how does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala

Next week: “Enter 77,” a Sayid ep (wow, they're going to give Naveen more than 2 lines??). And we finally meet Patchy.

Super Karate Monkey Death Car
In an age where we have such awesome sitcoms again, like The Office, 30 Rock, Everybody Hates Chris, and My Name Is Earl, and where the cancellation of Arrested Development is still a fresh wound, I wanted to look back at one of my all-time fave shows, and my favourite episode from that show: NewsRadio.

My pal K. reminded me of it today when she sent me a link to a site that features clothing for cats. The best part of the site is that the English has been translated word for word from Japanese, and it makes for some hilarious lines. And then I remembered "Super Karate Monkey Death Car," the ep of NewsRadio where I've possibly laughed harder than at any other moment in any other sitcom.

The head of the station, Jimmy James, writes a business book that tanks in the U.S., but his publisher sells it to Japan and it goes to #1. So he has the brilliant idea of translating their version back into English and republishing it in the U.S. This is the transcript of the reading he does at Barnes and Noble, and it's actually the first time he's seen the new book.

Mr. James: "The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'... it's got kind of a ring to it don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three... which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence... 'I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut. But Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no. I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung. [coughs nervously]...Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey'."

[scene cuts to the Q&A afterwards]

Question: "Mr. James, what did you mean when you wrote bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, War War?"
Mr. James: "Well, you know... it's LIKE when a clown is making like a car... racer... it's sorta... like... the FCC. The CLOWN... the clown is like the FCC... and I was opposed to the FCC at the time, right? So it was like I was declaring War. WARRRR!"
Question: "So then did the American yum yum clown monkey also represent the FCC?"
Mr. James: "Yeah, it did. Thanks a LOT!" [tries to leave]
Question: "What did you mean when you said, "Feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey, donkey donkey?"
Mr. James: *Sigh*

Charla and Mirna: Lost in Translation

On this week's Astounding Race, one scene stood out as one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the show. Charla and Mirna, the warring cousins, paid a taxi driver so they could follow him to the pit stop. The Barbie dolls decide to follow, and Mirna has a small fit that she has given ALL OF HER MONEY to this guy and she will NOT let them follow her. Cab driver suddenly pulls over. Barbies get out, Mirna and Charla can't speak the language, Barbies say look, just give us a map, and Mirna freaks out that either they help pay the guy or they can go away. Barbies leave, complaining about the freakish cousins. And then follows absolute hilarity. See, as I've mentioned before, Charla and Mirna believe, if you can't speak the language, just speak English loudly with an Italian accent, and ANYONE will understand that. So here follows the conversation.

Charla: The other teams are all passing us now!

Mirna: Oh-a no! We-a don't have-a time, amigo!

Cab driver: ....

Teri and Ian drive by, hooting and hooraying.

Mirna: Oh my GOD, just give him whatever he wants!! [she runs back to the car and grabs her purse and then THROWS IT AT THE CAB DRIVER] Take-a all of our-a money! [big hand gestures, touching their chest and kissing their fingers and waving them in the air]

Charla: Yes-a, take-a alla our-a money!

Cab driver's thoughts: Do these stupid bitches think I'm robbing them? oh my god, I'm going to lose my job for this... [he thrusts it back at them, looking incredibly confused as they run back to the car]

Mirna, taking it back and beginning to cry: What do you want? What-a do you-a want from me?

Charla: What-a do you want??

Cab driver: Oh my god, they're seriously insane.

Mirna, taking some money out: Here! Here is-a money for-a food. I no eat tomorrow.

Cab driver: Wait... they want me to eat their money now? Get me out of here!!! [he nods, and gets back into his car]

Mirna, not remembering what country they're in anymore, crosses herself, puts her hands in a praying position and begins bowing deeply, then kisses her fingers again: Muchos gracias, grazie, oh merci, senor! Thank-a you, God-a bless-a you!

Charla: Thank-a you, thank-a you!

TELEVISION GOLD.

Heroes, Ep 17: Company Man
Wow. Best episode of Heroes we’ve seen this year. Was it because there was no Ando/Hiro action? No Niki? I think, quite simply, it was just great storytelling. And, like Lost, it revealed answers while creating new questions.

For anyone who said last week that it seemed out of character for Matt to be pointing a gun at Lyle, we see this week that it was a really difficult decision for him to be involved in putting the family in jeopardy at all. Bennet finally figures out that Claire has spoken to the Haitian and that he didn’t erase her memory, because Matt reads her mind and says it aloud. Claire opens up to Matt that her dad isn’t a paper salesman, committing the ultimate betrayal to her dad. Eventually Matt realizes Ted is far more dangerous than any of them, and he joins forces with Bennet and Claire to try to stop Ted. But when Ted catches on, and freaks out, they all risk dying. Claire, Matt, and Ted are all joined in that they are “different,” they seek answers, and they blame Bennet for who they’ve become. But Bennet won’t make it that easy for them – what he does at the end is an incredible sacrifice.

What was revealed: Bennet was hired as regional manager of Primatech Paper 15 years ago. But he was no Michael Scott – he knew from the beginning that Primatech was just a cover-up for an organization that looked into how the species was evolving, and why strange mutations were showing up in human DNA. Eric Roberts, looking a LOT older than his younger sister Julia, plays the head of Primatech. HRG clearly knows what’s up, agreeing that outside people cannot know what they’re doing, and that they cannot know what measures they’ll take to keep the world safe. Roberts tells him he’ll have to deal with things that are morally grey, and that he’ll have a partner who is “one of them.” HRG is all talk, and THINKS he knows what they really do, but when Claude Rains suddenly appears in the office, the way HRG jumps up from the desk and looks completely shocked makes me think he has no idea what he’s getting into. Bennet is given Claire to raise, with the suspicion that she might “manifest” one day, and if she does, he’s to immediately turn her over. Obviously, his fatherly love gets in the way of that. Claude, too, begins to question what they’re doing, and he hides one of “them,” and Bennet is asked to kill him, which he follows through on (or so he thinks).
-Mrs. Bennet’s memories have been erased for 14 years

Great moments: Ted picking up Mr. Muggles, Matt saying, “Don’t!” and Ted looking at him and saying, “I’m not going to NUKE THE DOG.”
-Matt shooting Claire. The scene is full of tension, and the effect on Mrs. Bennet is unimaginable. -Ted going completely radioactive in the house.
-Claire walking outside, half-immolated, and healing right in front of everyone
-Claire handing Bennet the horn-rimmed glasses, making him who he’s become today
-the Haitian erasing HRG’s memories, right after he says one last goodbye to his “Claire Bear.” How painful is that?! It’s like that episode of Angel, “I Will Remember You,” where Angel becomes human and Buffy and Angel have this amazing time together doing everything they couldn’t when he was a vamp, and then he has to erase her memory, while holding onto the memory himself. The next time HRG finds Claire, if he does, she’ll be just another mutant to him. I don’t think I can take it… this is Joss Whedon-type pain. SUCH a good ending!

Big questions: -What the heck was Hiro’s dad doing on the roof of Isaac’s building? What is his involvement with Primatech and what they do? Is Hiro really his son, or was he, too, asked to adopt a child and turn him over if he manifests? Why did he go so quietly back to Japan if he thought for an instant that his son – rattling on about his mission – might be one of “them”?
-How did Bennet first find out what Primatech did, and how did he become involved with them?
-Why does Primatech seek to destroy certain “mutants,” yet allows others (Claude, the Haitian, Eden, that woman in the lab at the end) to join forces with them? Do they choose the powers that could help rather than hurt?
-did HRG really bring Ted back his file, or was it fake? At the company he says he’s not going to give Ted the truth, he’s giving him a tranquilizer. Matt and the Haitian seem to argue that Ted really does need the truth, so does he give in?
-The Haitian says he spared Claire because he answers to someone who has more power than HRG, in Claire’s life. Who is it, Claude? Is he somehow still in contact with the Haitian?
-Who was Claude hiding? Was it Claire? How did he survive getting shot twice and falling that far off the bridge to solid ground? Did he actually fall, or because he went invisible did he actually grab the ledge and move to the side so HRG couldn’t shoot him again?
-did Lyle really call the police, or was the call immediately diverted to Roberts?
-why didn’t HRG and Matt have worse radiation burns?
-did Claire get the tranquilizer into Ted, or did he die? What if the reason everyone had to save the cheerleader to save the world is because she has some sort of healing property? Could she be the cure they’re all looking for? Is there something in her that might help heal the others?
-where was Hana in all of this? She sent Matt and Ted on this mission and then disappeared.
-what is the special power of the woman in the lab at the end?