Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Buffy: The Moments that Made Me Laugh, Part I
While most of my favourite moments on Buffy are the ones where Joss and Co. reached into my chest, ripped my heart out, showed it to me, stomped on it, and then put it back in backwards, I still loved Buffy for the funny moments. Just reading the lines can make me laugh, though watching them is even funnier. Here are some of my favourite lines from the early years.

When Giles first meets Buffy and tells her she's the Chosen One:
BUFFY: Oh, why can’t you people just leave me alone?
GILES: Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...
BUFFY: (interrupts and joins in) ...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I’ve heard it, okay?
GILES: I really don’t understand this attitude. You, you’ve accepted your duty, you, you’ve slain vampires before...
BUFFY: Yeah, and I’ve both been there and done that, and I’m moving on.
GILES: What do you know about this town?
BUFFY: It’s two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?
GILES: Dig a bit in the history of this place. You’ll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that, that, that you might not find elsewhere.
BUFFY: Like vampires.
GILES: Like zombies [begins stacking books on each of the topics in Buffy's arms], werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you’ve ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn’t be by the light of day. They’re all real!
BUFFY: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
GILES: Ah, w-w-w-yes.
BUFFY: Did you get the free phone?
GILES: Um, the calendar.
BUFFY: Cool!

GILES: Spontaneous human combustion is, is rare, and, and scientifically unexplainable, but there have been cases for hundreds of years. Usually all that’s left is a pile of ashes.
WILLOW: That’s all that would have been left if it hadn’t been for Buffy.
XANDER: So, we have no idea what caused this. That’s a comfort.
GILES: But that’s the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There’s a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. (everyone looks at him) Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

BUFFY: Cool! Crossbow! Huh. Check out these babies. Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot?
GILES: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. You must first become proficient with the basic tools of combat. And let’s begin... ...with the quarterstaff. Which, incidentally, will, uh, require countless hours of vigorous training. I speak from experience.
BUFFY: Giles, 20th Century? I’m not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck.
GILES: You never know with whom or what you’ll be fighting. And these traditions have been handed down through the ages. Now, you show me good, steady progress with the quarterstaff, and in due course we’ll discuss the crossbow. Put on your pads.
BUFFY: (laughs) I’m not gonna need pads to fight you.
GILES: Well, we’ll see about that. En garde! (she knocks him quickly to the ground) Good. Let’s move on to the crossbow.

MASTER: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world.
BUFFY: I don’t think it’s yours just yet.
MASTER: You’re dead!
BUFFY: I may be dead, but I’m still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
MASTER: You were destined to die! It was written!
BUFFY: What can I say? I flunked the written.
MASTER: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn’t below?
BUFFY: You have fruit punch mouth.
MASTER: What? (punches his mouth, and he falls)
BUFFY: Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists. (more fighting, Master gets the upperhand)
MASTER: Where are your jibes now? You laugh when my Hell is on Earth?
BUFFY: You’re that amped about Hell... Go there! (flips him through the skylight, he is impaled on a broken table below)

BUFFY: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
WILLOW: No. But you said, ‘The cow should touch me from Thursday.’
BUFFY: Maybe that’s what I was feeling.
WILLOW: And you said it wrong.
BUFFY: Oh, je stink.

XANDER: Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is?
BUFFY: Hmm, I’m avoiding the subject.
XANDER: I think it’s kale, or possibly string cheese. So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last night?
BUFFY: (gives him a stern look) Xander!
XANDER: I mean, how’d the laying go? (gets another look from Buffy) No, I don’t mean that either.
BUFFY: It went fine, thank you. There’s some new hoity-toity vampire sect in town.
WILLOW: That’s bad.
XANDER: Well, hey, they’re bringing in the much needed tourist dollars.

WILLOW: The only thing I could track down was this address. The Sunset Club. Still didn’t find anything incriminating.
ANGEL: He leaves no paper trail, no records, that’s incriminating enough.
XANDER: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
ANGEL: Could you not call me that?

BUFFY: Sorry to beep you guys in the middle of... stuff, but it seemed really weird.
GILES: No, you did the right thing. Absolutely.
JENNY: You hated it that much?
GILES: No! But, but, uh, vampires on campus is, could have implications. Very, very grave...
JENNY: You coulda just said something.
GILES: Uh, honestly, I, I’ve always, I’ve always been interested in, in, uh, monster trucks.
BUFFY: You took him to monster trucks?
JENNY: I thought it would be a change!
GILES: It was a change.
JENNY: Look, we could’ve just left.
GILES: Wha-what, and miss the nitro-burning funny cars? No, couldn’t have that.

CORDELIA, flipping through a book of demons: Eww, what does this do?
GILES: What?
CORDELIA: What does this do?
GILES: Uh, it, uh, extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
CORDELIA: Wow! What does this one do?
GILES: Um, i-it elongates its mouth to, uh, engulf its victim’s head with its incisors.
CORDELIA: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
GILES: (frustrated) It asks endless questions of those with whom it’s supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
CORDELIA: Boy, there’s a demon for everything!

OZ: You got the goods?
XANDER: Yeah. Essence of toad, twice-blessed sage, maybe that’s the toad?
OZ: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation.
XANDER: Well, then, they shouldn’t leave it in the hands of the lay people.
OZ: Oh, Willow laid it out for us pretty well.
XANDER: Wow! She even drew helpful diagrams. That’s the pedestal.
OZ: And the ingredients. And us. See, there’s you and there’s me.
XANDER: Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me.
OZ: Well, this one’s me. See the little guitar?
XANDER: Oh, gotcha.
OZ: Nobody like my Willow.
XANDER: No sir, there is not.
OZ: Okay, toad me.

After being terrified of a fear demon, he suddenly appears, and he's about six inches tall.
BUFFY: This is Gachnar?
XANDER: Big overture. Little show.
GACHNAR: I am the dark lord of nightmares! (Buffy tries not to laugh) The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
WILLOW: He - he’s no cute!
GACHNAR: Tremble!
XANDER: Who’s a little fear demon? Come on! Who’s a little fear demon!
GILES: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No, it’s just... tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying...
BUFFY: Size doesn’t matter?
GACHNAR: They’re all going to abandon you, you know.
BUFFY: Yeah, Yeah. (We get a shot of Buffy’s huge foot as she stomps down and squishes the fear demon.)

(Spike is being held captive in Giles's house, and Giles is keeping him chained to the bathtub.)
SPIKE: (Yells) Come on, now! It’s telly time! (Giles is on the phone. The answering machine for Buffy and Willow picks up)
Machine: “This is Buffy and Willow. We’re not in right now, so please leave a message.”
GILES: Oh, uh, Willow.. It’s Giles. Um.. I thought you were bringing the ingredients for that spell? I really have to—
SPIKE: (v.o.) “Passions” is on! Timmy’s down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I’ll-
GILES: (Yells to Spike) You’ll do what? Lick me to death? (back into phone) Look, uh.. Willow.. I think we ought to try the spell. Among other things, I’d like to shower sometime today. Alone.

(They change strategies, and move Spike to Xander's house.)
SPIKE: Don’t see why I have to be tied up.
XANDER: It’s just while I’m sleeping.
SPIKE: Like I’d bite you anyway.
XANDER: Oh you would.
SPIKE: Not bloody likely.
XANDER: I happen to be very biteable pal. I’m moist and delicious.
SPIKE: Alright, yeah fine you’re a nummy treat.
XANDER: And don’t you forget it.
SPIKE, pretending to be Anya: Xander, don’t you care about me?
XANDER: Shut up!
SPIKE: We never talk.
XANDER: Shut up!
SPIKE: Xaaannnder.
XANDER: Shut up!

1 comment:

three of cups said...

If I can picture the characters, where they are, and what they're wearing just reading this post, is that bad? Do I have a Buffy problem?
My favorite funny moment is one without dialogue - in Hush when Giles is giving the overhead transparency lecture and Buffy mimes her dismay at the size of her hips in his picture. That makes me laugh and laugh every time.
Thanks for the fun post.