This Vampire Book SUCKS...

And not the way a vampire book is SUPPOSED to suck.

I don't know what rock I've been living under, but I only heard about Stephenie Meyer's massively popular Twilight book series a few months ago, mostly after the movie was announced with the cast and everything. My friend Sue read the book and told me not to bother, so I didn't give it another thought, until Entertainment Weekly ran a piece on the author of the series and how hotly anticipated the last book of the series, Breaking Dawn, was among the fans. Then I went into Costco and they had the first 3 books there the week before the release of Breaking Dawn. So I bought it.

The short version: Sue was right.

See, I don't hate for hate's sake. My husband, for example, hates the Harry Potter series of books. Why? Because they're wildly successful, and he equates that with mediocrity. That and J.K. Rowling acting like a complete baby over that Lexicon that she is currently trying to block. Has he read any of them? No. I've told him that if he read the books, he'd realize they really are brilliant. J.K. Rowling might be a complete egotistical diva, but the woman has created a world and a series that is unparalleled in today's children's literature.

So, I realized if I were going to hate the Twilight series, I needed to read it first so I could properly criticize it. And BOY do I have a lot to criticize.

First, in the EW article it described the series of books as being about a young girl who falls in love with a vampire who turns out to be much older. And they're making a movie of the book. "Hmm," I thought, "Will Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanaz be reprising their roles, since this is a COMPLETE RIPOFF OF BUFFY?!" Luckily, by reading the book I realized that wasn't the case. Stephenie Meyer just isn't that good a writer. Her descriptions are cliched and overwrought, the dialogue is wooden, and she repeats herself over and over and OVER AND OVER again. The book could have been 200 pages shorter if we didn't have to read 50 times that Edward's golden eyes were like honey or Bella was rubber in his presence or his breath was like honey (yeah, there's a lot of honey in this book) or Edward chuckled, guffawed, laughed, or giggled his way out of every situation.

Quick synopsis: Bella moves to Forks, a rainy, gloomy area of the Pacific Northwest, because her dad lives there and her mom is off with her new boyfriend somewhere else. Her first day of school she sees this mysterious group of 5 kids and they're described as Dr. Cullen's adopted kids: Edward, who is impossibly beautiful; Alice, the goth pixie chick who is stunning; Rosalie, who is beautiful but a bitch; Emmett, also beautiful with a smirk on his face, and Jasper, the youngest of the bunch. Edward sits next to Bella in class that day and seems to be furious with her, clutching the edge of his desk and trying to keep as far away from her as possible. For about 175 pages she tries to figure out what is their problem, what makes them so beautiful, why is Edward so strong, why is their skin so white, and on and on. Apparently Meyer is trying to make us sympathize with Bella and similarly think, "Hmm... good questions, Bella, why ARE they so white? Why DO they look like they do?" But if you can READ you've seen the back cover, where it has a quote from the middle of the book where Bella is talking about Edward being a vampire. So the first 175 pages are us going, "He's a bloody vampire, for cripes' sake, can we MOVE ON??"

Every time Bella is in Edward's presence, he has this way of looking at her, this glow in his eye, this "impossibly beautiful" face that's been chiselled by God, to hear Bella explain it, and she can't breathe, walk, speak, or think. He's the most gorgeous human being on the planet. There's a lot of heavy breathing, Edward telling her he loves her, him getting close to her then pulling away. It's complete trash. As I said to my husband, "I think this book was written with the sole purpose of making adolescent girls wet." He asked, "What, is there a lot of vampire sex?" I said, "No, just a lot of vampire dry humping."

It's harmless, of course. I mean, while part of me is saying there is no way I'm letting my daughter within a hemisphere of this book when she is 13, I then remember that when I was 13 I read the Flowers in the Attic series, with all the brothers and sisters locked in the attic and the longing and the puberty and the incestuous sex and the baby-having and total craziness. And I LOVED those books. I'm assuming Twilight has that same audience, not discerning and hardly critical.

But what was so obvious to me about halfway through was one simple fact: Edward is a complete DICK. Take away his looks, his charm, the supernatural hold he has over Bella, and he's moody, angry, emotionally abusive, domineering, and acts like Bella is a toddler who can't make decisions for herself. He's possessive and dangerous and constantly laughs at Bella and makes big life decisions for her. Meanwhile, Bella is about as interesting as a blade of grass, and in the big climax in the end I was praying for her demise, but knew it was in vain since there were 3 more books to suffer through.

My friend Marion read the series and said she was completely ambivalent throughout, and felt like she had to take a shower every time she read part of it. I couldn't have put it better myself. I was drawn in by Edward, and hated myself for being drawn in. When he wasn't on the page, I was dead bored. All the action in the novel happens in the last 100 pages, but I found them completely boring.

Is there ANYTHING redeeming? Sure... the reason she's come up with for why vampires try to stay out of the sun is original. Alice intrigued me a bit. Until she was described as a vampire who has visions and was out of her mind when she was turned... I guess Juliet Landau can reprise HER role, too. (Oh, and there's a suggestion that one of the characters might be a werewolf... Seth, are you free, too?)

When I first read that EW article, I was angry. I remember when I first started watching Buffy and I thought it would make a great series of YA novels. So when I read the article I thought, "Argh, Meyer went ahead and did it, while stupid me, I thought JOSS ALREADY HAD." I was angry I hadn't gotten there first. But then I read it and realized, oh. If THIS is what sells, I'm glad I didn't write it.

One thing is for certain. People need to be careful about cavalierly throwing around the "Next J.K. Rowling" mantle. Yeah, Meyer has proven she can also write adult fiction badly, not just Y/A, while Rowling is so far resting on the laurels of Harry. But you know what? She can rest on it for good and never write another word, and she would have solidified her place as a great writer. Meyer just hasn't done that with this book. I've read she's a stay-at-home mom of four, and for THAT I am impressed, but I wonder if she'd want any of her kids reading this when they're 13?

Sigh. Where's the good vampire novels when you want them?

Good news, however... I have seen the first two episodes of True Blood, and it's frickin' fantastic. A longer review to come.

In the meantime, skip Twilight and rewatch the first two seasons of Buffy. You'll thank me for it.