Are the Lost writers tapping my brain?

First I was thinking a lot about how I wanted Nikki and Paulo to die a gruesome horrible death (ok, and I blogged on it, so it wasn't exactly in my head only) and the next thing you know, the writers gave it to me like a beautiful birthday present wrapped with a bow of diamonds.... diamonds thrown on a not-quite-dead body, of course.

But just now I was working on the season 3 chapters of my upcoming book and was researching Elizabeth Mitchell, and somehow Google hit an interview with me that I did back in early October. Not recognizing the title of the article, I clicked on it and found the interview. When asked if there was anything I wanted to see happen this season on Lost, I answered:

"I’d like to see Jack strapped to a chair in front of a television a la Clockwork Orange, being forced to watch videos that break down his God complex."

D'oh! Doesn't that sound eerily like what happened to Karl? They weren't exactly breaking down a God complex in the poor kid, but they certainly had him strapped to a chair a la Clockwork Orange, forced to read flashing messages using religious iconography. Close enough.

I think I'm going to go make myself a little tinfoil hat.

But first, just in case the writers out there ARE listening to me, I might as well throw out other ideas to them. Ahem... [tap tap tap] is this thing on?

1. You need to have a Sawyer flashback with guest star, oh, let's say, NIKKI STAFFORD, playing a woman he cons but only after being in a long relationship with her. Think you've already done that plot line before? MAKE IT NEW.

2. After Sawyer cons her, the guest star, played by NIKKI STAFFORD, ends up in a Desmond flashback, as a rebound girlfriend he has while in the army. Then he just tosses her away. I don't mind.

3. Distraught by not being able to find love, NIKKI STAFFORD's character suddenly shows up in a flashback of Hurley's, where they meet at a record store, become best buds, and go to Drive Shaft concert where they pelt Charlie with eggs.

(See? You want to show how all the characters are connected, and you can totally do that, using NIKKI STAFFORD.)

4. In a season 4 Sawyer flashback, he begins to feel bad for what he's done to the women in his past, and when he runs into NIKKI STAFFORD's character, he apologizes. Sincerely. Then SHE dumps him. But only after, you know, a good scene together.

5. Make NIKKI STAFFORD a writer on your show. And I'll forget about all this guest star nonsense.

From Damon's Mouth...

Damon has weighed in to TV Guide on the death of Nikki and Paulo (pictured, in background... oh come ON, like you wouldn't have immediately posted this photo if you'd seen it!), saying, "People hated them before they even opened their mouths to say anything significant because it felt like they were crashing the party," exec producer Damon Lindelof acknowledges of the characters who were abruptly introduced last fall. "The easiest thing would have been to just write them out and forget they ever happened, like the cougar on [Season 2] of 24. But that's not Lost. We should at least own up to it."

Teehee... since I don't believe for a second that these two ever had anything to do with the ultimate big mystery of the island, I'm sure their little "mistake" won't have any affect on the rest of the show. But man... still lovin' that episode.

In other news, I find it interesting that Lost came under such scrutiny last season for its airing schedule, yet Ugly Betty has exactly the same problems this year. Unlike Heroes, which is doing exactly what a show should do, in my mind (Buffy followed the formula for years and it never failed them: 8 eps in fall, break for Christmas, then 8 episodes in spring, break for March and part of April, and final 6 leading to the end of May) Ugly Betty is doing the one new show, 3 weeks off, 2 new episodes, 2 weeks off crap that Lost pulled last year. I tuned in last night after a good episode from last week, and was surprised to see it was a repeat. So I watched The Office marathon instead (the one show where I don't care if it's a repeat, it's going to rock -- there was a great promo for next week's, though!). Now, obviously Betty isn't a serial. It's not like we have to remember the brooch Amanda was wearing in episode 2 by the time we get to episode 14, but it's still really annoying when they just can't get their act together to take a proper hiatus and come back with new episodes.

Rumours continue to fly that Lost will follow the 24 formula next year. Which is great on the one hand -- 22 episodes straight through from January to May -- but on the other hand, we have to go SEVEN MONTHS between the ending of this season and the beginning of the next. That's a long, long time. Naveen Andrews, who plays Sayid, has been shooting his mouth off in the press again, weighing in on all the reasons the show's numbers are down this season (he counts his absence on the show as one of them in a stunningly modest comment). I love Sayid. LOVE Sayid. And I agree that lines have been wasted on Nikki and Paulo that would have been better given to him. But this guy comes out against the show every single time he's got a beef about it, and then wonders why they pull screen time from him. He said in season 2 that the show wasn't very strong anymore. He's saying now that "At least I'll always have season 1," as if everything beyond that has been like appearing on Walker, Texas Ranger or something. I think Naveen Andrews is a pretty cool guy, and hey, I appreciate anyone who can speak their mind. But I don't think I've EVER read an interview with him after May 2005 that was positive about the show. And it wouldn't hurt to stick up for the show occasionally if you're on it.

By the way, for all the talk of Lost ratings dipping this year, 24 is falling behind it. So maybe that whole January to May thing isn't such a great idea after all.

In other news, the death of Nikki and Paulo wasn't just a great thing for me as a viewer, but for me as a blogger. Turns out a LOT of people googled "Nikki" and "Lost" and guess who they found? I hope they liked what they saw, and come back. I had my biggest numbers yesterday!

Nikki and Paulo -- We Barely Knew Ye... well, anyway, SEE YA!
Last night's episode of Lost, where the writers showed that they like us, they really really like us, has generated a lot of commentary today. Not because major mysteries were solved or new clues thrown at us, but because it was a strange standalone episode involving two of the most hated characters on television.

I love Doc Jensen over on the Entertainment Weekly site. He's a true fan of the show, always has super-weird theories that are a lot of fun, and always has his post up the day after the show (mine is up the same night, I win!) But today in his rundown he suspected most fans would hate the episode because they hated Nikki and Paulo, and would see the show as a big fat waste of their time. I think he was missing the point of the show.

Were Nikki and Paulo meant to be nothing more than a huge wink at viewers? Or did the writers have bigger plans for them at one time, and change those plans when they realized the fans would NEVER come around to these two? You could argue that they are an extended inside joke, meant to answer the question, "Why don't we see more of what's going on with the background people?" (Answer: Because you don't really want to; you love your characters and don't want to waste time with two more.) Somehow, they showed that these two people cared about each other, had feelings, were con artists just like Sawyer and Kate, and were generally misunderstood, yet when the ending came like a Medusa spider to our ankles, admit it: you laughed. You were elated. You thought, "YES! The writers understand me!" How do they do that?? We're not bad people. We watch this show because it's about humanity, and I'd like to think I have a little bit of that myself.

But Nikki and Paulo were never anything more than cartoon characters, and when the Roadrunner hands the Coyote a little anvil and the Coyote walks off a cliff, we don't mourn his death. We don't shed a small tear as the Acme coffin pulls away with him in it. We laugh.

Damon and Carlton have been making comments for weeks that this week's episode had one purpose. To paraphrase: "For all of the fans who wanted to know more about Nikki and Paulo, your prayers are about to be answered." Now I realize the cheekiness of that statement. Clause 2 had nothing to do with Clause 1. Because there ARE NO FANS who wanted to know more about Nikki and Paulo. But the fans of the show DID get their prayers answered last night. I was literally on my couch, arms in the air, yelling in delight. And I don't feel one ounce of guilt for it. It was meant to be damn funny, but that final scene was also meant to make us just a wee bit uncomfortable.

So onto the comments, and my responses:

The whole thing seemed too darn predictable. Every plot point was telegraphed ahead of time. And those kids couldn't act.

Wow, I'm so impressed you saw that ending coming! I didn't find it predictable at all. I think sometimes when I'm watching shows I just stop trying to guess the ending (my hubby is the opposite, always trying to see what's coming) and enjoy it, so I certainly didn't think they were alive. I agree, though; watching those two act, I think the shovel Sawyer was using to dig the graves had more charisma.

"Who the hell’s Nikki? Who the hell’s Paulo?” Ah, just what every casual viewer was thinking this episode. My parents, for instance, thought they just created Nikki and Paulo and had no idea that they've been in every "beach" episode this season.

That’s so surprising to me! Did they miss the scene where Desmond talked to Paulo and borrowed the golf club? Or the entirety of Eko’s episode where Nikki and Paulo went along for the trek and had numerous lines? Especially the scene where Nikki is planted in front of the televisions and discovers Patchy? I just can’t imagine someone not noticing these two. It would be like in season 1 saying you have no idea who Rose is.

Is he watching the same show? Since when has Lost not gone that dark? Also, burying them with the diamonds was an excellent touch.

Loved that they buried them with diamonds!! But I have to say, while Lost isn’t exactly a happy-happy-joy-joy program about sweetness and light, burying people alive is an entirely new level of evil that this show hasn’t touched. I can’t think of anything else on the show that is quite that dark, and I’m including the deaths of Ana Lucia and Libby and the torture of Sawyer. I tried to imagine for a second what it would be like to be fully conscious, aware of everything going on around you but unable to communicate with anyone, and then having dirt thrown over my face and being smothered alive. And then I had to stop imagining. Fast.

We have no reason to suspect they actually saw "Henry Gale" while he was being held captive. Jack and his inner circle kept a tight lid on that. But yeah, they did keep a lot to themselves...to hide their secrets.

Good point about Paulo not ever seeing Henry in the Swan station. However, he did clearly hear a plan to kidnap Jack and Co., by someone who was definitely not part of the beach crew, and he didn't think, "Hey, look, strangers who are planning to hurt us. Maybe I should tell someone." Then again, the guy's about as dumb as a post, and maybe he thought he was watching television and they didn't actually exist. LOL!

to have nikki open her eyes just as a shovelful of dirt covered them ... talk about poetic justice! i, too, kept thinking, "no, they're not going to ... they can't ... they won't actually ... oh my god, they ARE! they did!" and then i cackled at the TV like a deranged witch. AWESOME ending.

Heehee! You and me both. What a horrific way to get rid of my nemesiseseses. I couldn’t have wished for a better ending. LOL! I must also say here, my husband said, "So... they killed these characters off in a horrific way. And one of them was named Nikki. Think they're trying to send you a message?" Hahahahahaha

i especially loved that nikki and paolo knew EVERYTHING before everyone else did, but they were too self-absorbed with their own mystery/secrecy to share the info. just think of how totally different everything would be if they told the others (the lostaway-others, not the Others-others) what they had heard and seen!

It reminded me a lot of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. In that play, the two very minor characters in Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, become the two main characters and we watch them as they move in and out of various scenes in Hamlet, but know what’s going on the entire time, the plots against people, the madness, etc. but they just keep to themselves the entire time.

They recreated the crash set on the beach and filmed Nikki, Paulo, Arzt, Boone, Shannon and extras. (The actor who plays Scott talked about everyone getting back into their first-day wardrobe and injury make-up.) Some genius edited it together with archive footage. They also used angles we haven't seen before to justify that Nikki and Paulo were there, just out of frame. Same goes for the "Live Together, Die Alone" speech, where they made it a point to include Arzt and Ethan as well.

Wow, thanks for that info! I figured something like that must have happened; there were several moments in that plane crash that were absolutely not from the pilot episode, and there’s no way they would have filmed them 3 years ago and just held them on a shelf somewhere, but the thought of them setting up that crash site again… yikes! The production people must have HATED the writers this week! :)

I think they worked in the plane crash scene amazingly well. But whats up with Boone and Shannon's hair? They both look like they have bad hairpieces on LOL

I agree; I know Ian Somerhalder has very long hair now (remember him in the Locke episode?) but I don’t know what Maggie Grace’s hair looks like. The hair was bad… though not as bad as the TA’s hair on Veronica Mars. That takes the prize for worst TV hair of the year.

But I think it's also the whole being buried alive theme that's horrifying. It's my worst nightmare. I actually had to volubly exhale and say, Whoa... and then change the channel after that one. It rocked me.

I agree. I find the whole concept unbelievably terrifying. I’ve read all sorts of stuff about people being conscious but their bodies appearing to be dead. There are lots of reports of graveyards being moved and they exhume the bodies only to see the insides of the coffins have been scratched to pieces. ACK! It just terrifies me.

And I think he really cared about her. I mean, why would he try to speak and give an explanation if he didn't care? And he cried. But as badly as Paolo acted when he was moving, I thought he did a damn fine job of lying there and looking dead with his eyes open.

LOL!! Totally agreed. Rodrigo Santoro proves his acting chops when lying completely inert. Wicked.

looked like the same bag of diamonds that Matt from Heroes stole...

I KNEW that bag of diamonds looked familiar!!!

Lost, Ep. 14: Exposé
OK, I thought I was going to HATE HATE HATE the Paulo and Nikki episode, but I loved it. Loved it because Damon and Carlton embraced our hatred for the characters and made a joke out of it. Loved it because it was full of inside jokes about Lost itself. Loved it because Nikki and Paulo died. Loved it because they didn’t die, but have suffered a fate worse than death. Nikki and Paulo were apparently no different than anyone else on the island: they were con artists who pretended to be someone they weren’t (see Sawyer, Kate, on the island, and EVERYONE on the island).

Highlights:
Hurley: Dude, Nikki’s dead.
Sawyer: Who the hell’s Nikki?

Sawyer: She stumbled out of the jungle, face-planted, said something like Plywood…
Hurley: Actually, I think she said power lines… Paulo lies! She said Paulo lies!
Sawyer: Who the hell’s Paulo?

-Nikki telling Paulo to promise her they’ll never end up like Shannon and Boone. Hahaha… well, unless you’re related…
-the return of Arzt!!
-Jin saying something in Korean and Hurley saying, “Yeah, I know.”
-Hurley telling Sawyer not to disturb the crime scene, and Sawyer replying, “Crime scene? Is there a forensics hatch I don’t know about?
-Hurley saying Exposé was one of the best hours of television ever, even better than Baywatch. Hahahaha…
-Hurley, reading the script: “No way. Mr. Lacha was the Cobra?”
Charlie: “Is that supposed to mean something?”
Hurley: “Dude, the Cobra’s this big bad guy. His identity’s been shrouded in mystery for four seasons.” LOL!!
-The VICIOUS ending to the episode!! My husband kept saying, “No, no, this show just wouldn’t go that dark,” and I was saying, “Dig faster! Come on, throw that dirt!” and my husband said, “nah, it just won’t happen” and then boom, we see the mound of dirt. AAAHHHH!! That was cruel on a level even *I* couldn’t come up with!!

Did You Notice?:
-Nikki and Paulo are even more heinous characters because they apparently discovered everything before everyone else, but kept mum on it. They knew Michael was going to turn, they knew the Others were watching them, and they knew Henry Gale was one of the Others. But they didn't say a word.
-Jack’s speech on the beach is definitely THE most repeated dialogue ever on this show. In Man of Science, Man of Faith, Kate says to him, “Live together, die alone, right?” Since then there has been an episode called “Live Together, Die Alone,” and earlier this season, “Every Man for Himself” (from his “every man for himself is not going to work” section). Kate used the “live together, die alone” line in that episode again. Apparently the entire show is depending on that scene, since they’ve repeated parts of it 6 times now.
-Nikki and Paulo revisited major spots from seasons 1 and 2, almost like a weird version of a recap episode
-now we know why Paulo was in the bathroom in the Pearl station.
-there was a 22 written on the inside of the toilet bowl (2+2=4)

-This pic was in with the promotional photos that the show sent out, but it doesn't appear in the episode. Presumably there was a scene filmed about Nikki having some sort of nervous breakdown after the hatch exploded, and they had to cut it.

Nitpicks:
-Arzt says that the Medusa spider female is incredibly dangerous, but doesn’t say the males are. He said that the female pheromones are so strong that one whiff of the female and the males come from out of nowhere. So if we’re to assume that it was male spiders that came out of the woodwork when the female bit Paulo (and therefore it was a male that bit her), why did they have the same effect on Nikki?
-Hurley says, “What exactly is a perimeter sweep?” For someone who watches that much television, he’d know what a perimeter sweep was.

Questions:
-Did they have to recreate that beach scene completely, or did they digitally add the plane wreckage in the background? That would have been a really expensive scene to redo.
-why are Juliet and Ben so convinced that Jack won’t willingly do the surgery?
-this felt very much like a standalone episode that won’t affect other eps, but will Charlie’s confession to Sun cause a serious tension between Sun and Sawyer? Or will tension between Sun and Sawyer barely register since they barely have anything to do with one another?
-was Paulo telling the truth when he said to Nikki that he worried she’d leave him if she had the diamonds, or was he just conning her?
-are Nikki and Paulo dead, or will we see an arm come up from the earth, like that final scene in the movie version of Carrie?

Next week: Kate lays a smackdown on Juliet in the Kate flashback episode, "Left Behind."

Me on TV
Before we see the background of Nikki and Paulo tomorrow night, Canadians can check out a classier Nikki (har har) when I'm on Star Daily tonight at 11:30 on City (the episode repeats tomorrow at 4:30). The topic was television fandom and fan conventions. I think they'll also stream it online after it airs here, but probably only for one day or something. Here's hoping the segment isn't awful.

Return Dates that Matter
Sorry I haven’t been updating the blog lately. I finally got over my flu after five days, and then my husband got it, then my daughter’s nanny so I had to take my daughter all day while my husband lay in bed and moaned… it’s been a busy week. Add to that I’ve fallen behind in working on the Lost book so my evenings are now dedicated to working on the book rather than updating my blog (what a concept!) But I’m going to try to be better at this.

For now, I wanted to list some important return dates on our shows. This past Sunday saw the finales of BSG and Rome (I’ll talk about both soon, I hope), so those are off the schedule, and Lost is chugging along every week just like ABC promised. Here are some return dates to mark on your calendars

April 5 – The Office (will Michael hold a spontaneous meeting? Will Dwight’s desk be moved? Will Roy kill Jim?)
April 5 – 30 Rock
April 8 – The Sopranos, the final 9 episodes
April 8 – Entourage, season 4
April 23 – Heroes
May 1 – Veronica Mars

In other news, this past weekend’s Amazing Race had some awesome Charla and Mirna moments, as usual. They drive me INSANE but the masochist in me wants them to stay.
Mirna to ticket agent: What time does the ticket office open?
Ticket agent: 5:30 a.m.
Charla: But itta be 11 pm a-now. You calla da office now.
Ticket agent (in perfect English): I can’t call, it’s not open.
Mirna (realizing the agent must not understand English): Why-a you no do this for us? Why-a canna you help us?
Charla: Here. Pick uppa da phone. Just-a dial da numbers, clicka clicka clicka.
Ticket agent (speaking slowly because the Italians obviously don’t understand): THE. OFFICE. IS. CLOSED.
Charla: Why-a you no help us?
Mirna: Come on, Charla, obviously she just doesn’t understand.

But the best part, the part that made the entire episode worth watching, was when they finished first.

Phil: As the winners of this leg of the race…
Charla and Mirna: Yay!! Yay!! God, we love you Phil! Will you finally notice how hot we are????
Phil: …you have EACH won…
Charla and Mirna: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Phil: …your very own catamaran!
[The sound of crickets. A tumbleweed floats by.]
Charla and Mirna (I am not making this up) in unison: What’s a catamaran?
Phil stops to consider the possible responses: It’s a small chair that you can sit on in front of the fireplace.
It’s a large dog with a lot of hair. You’ve seen Afghans? Well, Catamarans are just hairier, and they shed a lot.

It's like an RV, only smaller.
[but sadly, he doesn’t]
Phil: It’s… a… sailing boat.
Charla and Mirna: Ooooooh! Well, woo! And hoo! I guess.

Locke Speed-Painting
In honour of the awesome John Locke episode this week, here's a great video from YouTube showing someone drawing him in Photoshop (sped up). Watch it all the way to the end.



Then when you've watched that all the way through, go here to see how I would have done it.

In other news, ABC announced that they're picking up Lost for next season in one of the most "duh" announcements of the season (even though the media made a big deal about the "sharp ratings decline"). Now, still no word on Veronica, so that'll be the big one. What I find interesting is that every week when iTunes releases its top 30 television downloads of the week, Lost is almost always in the top 5, so maybe the ratings decline is a sign of people moving off the TV to watch it and onto their computers.

Paulo and Nikki Death Fantasy
The Lost writers are insisting that by the end of next week’s episode, we’ll suddenly love Nikki and Paulo. If that’s the case, I want to get all of my hate out of the way in advance, so here is one of my revenge fantasies for them. Before I regret it.

EXT. JUNGLE

NIKKI: I don’t know why we had to follow them, Paulo. They seemed to be just fine on their own. With Locke, Sayid, and Kate, there’s no way they don’t have enough manpower to find Jack and bring him back.

PAULO: Listen, YOU are the one who always wants to be involved – OUCH, if I get ANOTHER stick in my eye – so I thought I was doing this for you. Just a minute… you stay here, I need to go over behind that tree.

NIKKI: Sigh… we’re just looking for the doctor so he can treat your gastro-intestinal issues, aren’t we?

PAULO: Could you hand me some large leaves?

NIKKI: We both know you don’t need any leaves. You’ve been backed up for weeks. Oh god, just get me out of here.

[NIKKI heads out into a clearing, where she sees a row of large black metal poles with circles on top]

NIKKI: What the heck are THESE things?

PAULO, emerging from the jungle: I just want some relief. I don’t know how much more of this I can… Hey, what are these?

NIKKI: You. Are. Disgusting. I’m leaving.

[NIKKI steps between two of the poles, and her whole body goes into a seizure. She begins frothing at the mouth, with blood spurting out of her ears the way the blood fake-spurted out of Dan Aykroyd’s hand in that SNL sketch where he played Julia Childs and accidentally cut himself]

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

NIKKI STAFFORD, watching the show at home on the couch: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh this is TOO good! Come on, Paulo, FOLLOW HER! HAHAHAHA!! Oh man, this has been a long time coming.

[she stuffs some popcorn into her mouth]

PAULO: Nikki!! Nikki!! Are you OK?

NIKKI: Ggaaaggghhh bbbbububbbubbbbbbb

NIKKI STAFFORD: HAAAAAHAHAHAHA… Oh, I can’t take much more, HAHAHAHA!

[ISLAND NIKKI falls over onto the ground. Dead.]

PAULO: Nikki? Nikki? Damn. I guess she probably deactivated it then. I’m sure it won’t hurt me.

[PAULO steps in between the poles, and the humming begins again.]

NIKKI STAFFORD, doubled over, barely able to breathe: HAAAAHAHAHA! Oh, this show is AWESOME!

[PAULO’s body begins jumping around, and froth comes out of his mouth, too. Suddenly, he messes himself.]

PAULO: Kkkkaakkkkkuuuuuu….. ah, rrrrrelief!! Gggagaaaggghhh bubbbbubbbb

NIKKI STAFFORD, falling off her couch from laughter: Oh god, where’s the remote?? I need to pause this… can’t… take… much more… HAHAHAHAHA

[PAULO keels over]

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut…. Sorry, this just isn’t working.

[RODRIGO SANTORO and KIELE SANCHEZ both stand up, covered in various bodily fluids]

DIRECTOR: Damon, Carlton, I just don’t think they would die just yet; don’t you think the audience needs someone to hate for just a little longer? Maybe they can make it through the forcefield somehow and we’ll kill them when they get to the other side of the island?

DAMON, striding onto the set: Yeah, you’re right. They were just starting to irritate me, too. I guess I was getting a little gun-happy on the death scene. Sorry, guys.

NIKKI STAFFORD: Oh… balls.

Lost, Ep 13: The Man from Tallahassee
I didn’t think I was going to watch this episode tonight. I’m very sick today, and can barely sit up, but then at 9:04 I checked my email (lying on my side in bed) and there was one from my friend fb that simply said OH MY GOD in the subject line. I figured it had to be about Lost, and either she loved it or hated it, and while I didn’t open it, I decided I had to go and watch it. And I was not disappointed. What a great episode – definitely the highlight of the season so far! (I’m probably going to miss a lot here so please post lots and fill in all the gaps I’ve left.) The backstory was amazing, the island story was amazing, and I loved the long scenes of dialogue where we really saw people connecting or trying to connect or trying to dodge verbal bullets. And thank you, writers, for FINALLY giving Terry O’Quinn some great material again to show what a phenomenal actor he is. It’s interesting: when Ben first says to Locke, “What would you do if you found a box that could have anything you wanted inside it?” and my first thought was, “Hmm… Anthony Cooper’s head on a pike?”
If Locke and Jack didn’t see eye-to-eye before, this episode is certainly going to take that rivalry and turn it into an all-out war.

Best lines:
Locke, after seeing Jack with the Others: This is going to be more complicated than we thought.

Locke: “The man from Tallahassee”? Is that a code?
Ben: No, John, unfortunately we don’t have a code for “there’s a man in the closet with a gun to my daughter’s head.” But apparently we should.

Jack to Kate: I told you not to come back here for me. And I wish you hadn’t. (whispers) But I will come back here for you.

Locke: Where do you get your electricity?
Ben: We have two giant hamsters running on a massive wheel in our underground secret lair.

Ben: You’ve been on this island for 80 days, John, and I’ve been here my entire life. What makes you think you know this island better than I do?
Locke: Because you’re in a wheelchair, and I’m not.

Did You Notice?:
-Kate got out of her handcuffs the same way she did when she was trapped in the armory in season 2
-there were some interesting hieroglyphs on Locke’s TV dinner tray, including the number 40 (urgh, so close)
-the scene of Locke looking down into the submarine is the same as him looking down into the hatch
-Anthony Cooper pours himself a cup of McCutcheon 60 whisky. Unlike Des’s possible father-in-law, he also pours a glass for Locke (though probably never intends for him to drink it)
-Locke fell 8 storeys
-when Locke is handcuffed to the pipe above his head, he’s been bruised around his left eye, the same eye that has sustained the most bruising when Anthony pushes him out the window

Nitpicks:
-a guy shows up at Locke’s door asking if he has 2 kidneys, and then Locke looks shocked when the guy says a few minutes later that the man he’s talking about is actually Anthony Cooper. Duh.

Questions:
-do the Others just have extra little houses for people like Jack, or does this place belong to one of the guards?
-now that we know Anthony is from Tallahassee, does that increase the chance that he’s the Sawyer that James has been searching for?
-is Anthony really Locke’s father? Or was that just part of his con? How could a man do these things to his son?
-is Tom on board with everything? He warns Jack about how the place is bugged when he lets Jack in to see Kate.
-maybe the Others take the kids to bring them to Otherville and shape them in their image, before they’ve been formed by the outside world? It seemed to us like by kidnapping the kids they were hurting them, but the kids probably have better accommodations and food than the Losties have had for 80 days.
-How did Scully and Not-Mulder know that Peter had been in Locke’s apartment? They found a piece of paper in his pocket, but that doesn’t give any proof that he’d been in the apt. 2 days earlier. Were there security cameras?
-is Ben as big a con man as Anthony Cooper? Why isn’t he more interested in Sawyer? Did he ever intend to let Juliet and Jack go?
-is the sub really the last way they have off the island? What about Desmond’s boat?
-was Anthony Cooper kidnapped before or after the plane crashed?

Next week: The Paulo and Nikki flashback we all haven’t been waiting for. Good news is, the preview on ABC said someone would die. I’ll post a few possible scenarios later this week. :)

In the Garden of Eden by I Ron Butterfly
I'm home sick with the flu right now, lying in bed trawling around YouTube. I'll try to get my Lost post up tonight, but I can't guarantee anything, since I can't actually sit up. But in the meantime, I just found this, and wanted to post what is my favourite opening of a Simpsons episode ever.

Today's Casting News

Yeah, I spend too much time on certain sites. Zap2it is one of them. In the past two days they've made some new casting announcements, ranging from "huh" to "WHAT?!" in my book. First, Julio Gonzalo has been cast in a new pilot for the fall. We know her best as Parker from Veronica Mars. Since Piz has been cast in the new Grey's Anatomy pilot, as I previously mentioned, this makes the second Veronica person to ensure they won't be back in the fall. However, neither one is cause for, "OH MY GOD, Veronica Mars is gonna be cancelled!" reactions just yet. The moment Kristen Bell is up for a pilot, then we can panic.

Secondly, Carla Gugino from Sin City has been cast in Entourage as Vince's new agent. Ack! The one who will replace Ari? This woman's in a worse position than Riley was showing up and trying to fill Angel's shoes. Ari is hands down the best character on television. But it's definitely a good move having a really hot actress replace him, and not another male. That would have been much harder for the actor. (Entourage is slated to begin on April 8th... YEAH!!!)

And now for the WHAT?! news.... some people (*cough*Crissy*cough*) might want to turn away now. Katee Sackhoff has just signed on for a pilot this fall. Of course, at this point all they're saying is that she'll be a "guest cast member" but that's the term they ALWAYS use for EVERYONE in a pilot that hasn't yet been picked up. She'll be joining the cast of The Bionic Woman, which will tentatively be picked up for NBC this fall. The show will star British actress Michelle Ryan, best known as Zoe Slater from EastEnders. (She's the one who moved to Albert Square with her sisters -- Kat, Moe, and Lynn -- and their dad Charlie. Soon after they arrived she found out -- horrors! -- that her older sister Kat was actually her mother (!!!!!) Kat had an affair with Anthony, but then Zoe fell in love with him. They were going to get married before Anthony woke up and realized Zoe was a whiny little girl, so he dumped her on the eve of their marriage. And then Kat slept with him again (!!!!!) And so Zoe moved out, but then she reconciled with Kat, and found new love with Dennis, who was played by Nigel Harmon, the total hottie of the series, but she didn't know that HE was actually in love with his sister (!!!!) Sharon, but he tried to stay away because, you know, SISTER and all (ok, so she was adopted... I should probably mention that), so he tried to deny his love for her but eventually they gave in to it again, and so over Christmas dinner while Zoe's fawning over him and they'd just recently moved in together, he and Sharon announce that they're actually in love and going away to NY together that night, and Zoe has a conniption, and Dennis's evil father Den grabs her and pulls her in the back room and tells her to announce to him that she's pregnant, so she does, but she hates lying to him, and he's devastated because his father (also Sharon's father) abandoned him when he was a young'un, and he can't do the same to this child, so Sharon leaves on a plane without him and Zoe almost tells him the truth but chickens out, and he resigns himself to staying with her... and since BBC Canada is a full TWO YEARS behind that's where we're at now so I'm sure something huge will happen soon and Zoe will leave the series.)

But all that aside, the question is, does this mean Starbuck is really dead?! David Eick will be producer of both shows, so there's a possibility he's doing this as some sort of publicity stunt for Battlestar Galactica, but I don't know... I just thought Starbuck had a greater purpose on the show, and I just don't buy it that she's really gone. What did the Cylons mean about her having a destiny?? I'm just very confused by this news.

Why I Love Ricky Gervais
Watch this all the way to the end. I swear, this man can do no wrong in my eyes. This is absolutely brilliant.

Bad Daddies
Yes, the Lostverse is full of them. The Buffyverse had even more. They're absentee fathers, neglectful fathers, drunken fathers, conman fathers. Here's an interesting article on dads on television, using Lost as the example of the ultimate show about daddy issues. It's not an awesome article -- she mentions no less than three times that Kate blew up her father. But she does nail a lot of them. She misses some others, such as Jin being ashamed of his father; Sayid mentions in passing that he's always living in the shadow of his father; Sawyer's father killed his mother and then killed himself (that's a big one to miss); Charlie's father was a harsh butcher who told Charlie he was wasting his life; Shannon's father marries a witch of a woman who becomes Shan's evil stepmother. God only knows what Ben's father was like.

The rest of the article talks about some other shows -- for Heroes, she mentions HRG as the evil dad. She doesn't talk about Chandra Suresh or Hiro's SERIOUSLY evil father. Buffy and Angel would have been a good shows to have mentioned: Buffy's father abandoned his entire family to run off with his secretary; Xander had an abusive father who was an alcoholic; Angel's father kicked him out of the house and onto the streets, where Angel became a vampire; Wesley's father was a brute -- in fact, MOST of the characters on these two shows have some sort of daddy issues (or in Spike's case, mommy issues).

But it's an interesting article nonetheless.

So THAT'S What Happened!
This was just too funny not to post here. Finally, the truth about why Firefly was cancelled has been revealed, and it's shocking. We get the explanation of why the episodes were shown out of order, and why this seemingly senseless act occurred. NOW it makes sense!

Andy Barker, P.I.
This past Thursday, desperate for some Thursday night comedy in a time where both 30 Rock and The Office are on hiatus, and my PVR has decided it doesn't like My Name Is Earl and has just stopped recording it altogether, I decided to check out Andy Barker, P.I., the new Andy Richter vehicle. I wasn't disappointed. First of all, you have to be a fan of the antics of Richter and Conan O'Brien -- if you thought they were funny together, you'll like this show. Conan is not only the producer, but he co-wrote this pilot episode.

The show is about Andy Barker, a non-descript schlub who has just rented a space for his new chartered accountant agency (of which he is the only employee). He and his wife actually TiVO Judging Amy and are on pins and needles each week waiting to see the new episode (that particular gag made me laugh out loud). Days go by where he sits and stares at the clock, and the only person he talks to is Simon, the guy who owns the video store downstairs, played by Tony Hale (a.k.a. the inimitable Buster from Arrested Development). Simon is standing outside his door (similarly getting no business) playing with his Sandra Bullock doll, which he's programmed to say lines from Miss Congeniality. Andy comments that he didn't think they could top Miss Congeniality, but when he saw Miss Congeniality 2, he thought it was even better. There's a beat where Simon just stares at him before explaining the doll is ironic. It was hilarious (and the doll comes into play later in the episode).

What Andy doesn't realize is that he's now occupying the space formerly rented by Lew Staziuk, Private Investigator. When a Russian woman comes in offering him $4000 in cash, saying she believes her dead husband is not, in fact, dead, asking Andy to find him, Andy is torn between taking the cash and turning it down. But she doesn't leave him much of a choice. Simon insists it's all a ruse and the woman just stole the line from Chinatown, but he comes along for the ride anyway, soon realizing this is very, very real.

Andy doesn't know how to do the usual P.I. digging -- all he knows is his way around IRS forms, so he does the only thing he knows how: He goes down to the tax office, where he's met by Nicole, the monotone brick wall who stands between him and the file he'd like to see. Nicole is HILARIOUS, just staring at him saying, "I get four... maybe five phone calls a day. I can't keep track of them all" and then going back to playing her Gameboy. Andy figures out a way to steal the file (the filed tax returns of the "dead" husband) and sees that he's given $7200 to a local church, but didn't count it as a charitable contribution. He goes to the church, and discovers the guy there, renting out a place where he's been hiding out. A van pulls up, two thugs jump out, knock out Andy, kidnap the guy, and suddenly Andy realizes he's been tricked, and the woman wasn't actually his wife. "This is... Chinatown," he mutters before he passes out.

Somehow he and Simon break into the warehouse, kidnap the guy back, get the police on the tail of the Russian mobsters, and in the midst of this giant car chase Andy goes to see a client (he had a meeting schedule, and he'll be damned before he'll leave a client in the lurch), client jumps in the car, and while Andy's steering the car through dangerous back alleys and squealing around corners he's giving this guy advice on how to split his bonds into two different holdings. It's the funniest scene in the episode.

This is a great show. The pilot was good (not Office or 30 Rock good, but then again, their pilots weren't brilliant, either), and I'll definitely be tuning in to see more. Thankfully, unlike Andy's last show, Andy Richter Controls the Universe (which I loved), this show is on NBC, which this season has just knocked its programming out of the park. They know how to nurture shows and give them a chance, unlike FOX, which cancels them after about three hours. Here's hoping this mid-season replacement has a chance to prove itself and come back in the fall. Watch for an upcoming episode to be written by the brilliant Jane Espenson (Buffy, Battlestar Galactica).

In other news: The Family Guy is being sued by Carol Burnett. Apparently they did a spoof on her charwoman character, and used part of the "Carol's Theme" song, after she had expressly DENIED them the right to use that music. What I find so fascinating about this story is that this same show has put the brakes on a guy who does a stand-up show spoofing the Family Guy. Yet not only do THEY spoof shows week after week, they're now ignoring the basic tenets of copyright: you get permission, you can use copyrighted material. You don't get permission, you can't use it. Parody falls under the umbrella of fair use, but using a copyrighted song does not. I hope the media follows this story.

Has Veronica Mars Been Cancelled?
Earlier this morning, Kristen from E! announced that, according to six sources who worked closely with the show, the series had indeed been cancelled. However, when she checked with Rob Thomas, he said if it HAD been cancelled, he certainly didn't know.

Now she and the Hollywood Reporter are suggesting that, in what sounds like a bit of a desperate move, Rob Thomas has gone back to the CW network with a "featurette" of the new season of VM, where it's set four years in the future, and Veronica is working at the FBI. Apparently Kristen Bell is the only cast member to appear in the featurette, which means the fate of the other cast members of following the show to season 4 is up in the air.

Will Veronica survive? Since most networks make their decisions in early March, it sounds to me like they've made their decision, told Thomas no, and he's asked them to give him one more chance by letting him try out this futuristic idea. Will the CW, whose numbers have been flagging overall, decide they need something new to spice up the network? An even better question might be, will the CW survive another year? The ratings of this new network -- a combination of the WB and UPN -- are less than either of those networks were individually.

One thing is probably for certain: my beloved Piz will not be returning. He's signed on to join that new Grey's Anatomy spin-off. :::Sniffle::: I guess this means he'll never find love with our girl.

Today's Lost Hater Is...
Steven Siminuc of the Daily Californian! Way to go, Steven. Your prizes include reruns of The Beverly Hilbillies, According to Jim, and the last season of The Brady Bunch, because it's pretty much what you deserve.

You can read his prize-winning essay here.

Lost, Ep. 12: Par Avion
I hope that someone gets my… I hope that someone gets my… Message on a Seagull.

This week’s episode was a Claire flashback, where the question of her paternity was finally answered (guessed by most fans from last season’s episode, “Two for the Road”). Her mother is in a coma, Christian Shephard comes wandering into her life, and the last thing Claire said to her mother was that she hated her and wanted her dead. But the biggest revelation? That Claire was a total Goth chick who worked in a tattoo parlour!

On the island, Claire comes up with an idea involving birds. (When she first saw them fly over and said she figured out how to get them off the island, I was thinking, what, you’re going to trap 1600 of them and get airlifted out or something?? Yeah… I wouldn’t be the “idea person” on an island.) It was a pretty good episode, with a surprising ending, but I had a lot of questions and nitpicks about it. Perhaps someone out there can explain away some of them.

Did You Notice?:
-Sawyer’s reading The Fountainhead. Great. Always wanted to read that capitalist manifesto. Not. Sigh… (I'm sure seeing that on the screen gave you a big laugh, Jer...)
-Mikhail begins saying that Locke is someone he has a fleeting memory of, but the John Locke he knew would have… and then is cut off. It seems to be a reference to the fact that John has changed drastically – and not for the better – as the show has gone on. He used to be my favourite character, and now I just don’t get anything he does.
-the woman we saw in Two for the Road must have been Aunt Lindsay, not Claire’s mother. Christian went to Australia to find Claire, and he went along with Ana Lucia. He drunkenly screamed at a woman (fans presumed it was Claire's mom, but it must have been her aunt). He separated from Ana Lucia, Sawyer met CS in a bar, they drank themselves silly, Christian died, Jack went down to retrieve him, Ana Lucia clearly stayed on for a few more days, and somehow all of them ended up on a plane headed for LA. But as we saw, Claire’s mother was in a coma, so CS couldn’t have been banging on her door insisting that he was going to see his daughter.

Any Questions?:
-is Sun feeding Aaron some melon? Or is she spooning something out of a bowl to him, maybe milk? Either way, an 8-week-old child wouldn't be on solid foods or eating with a spoon yet; they just don't have the digestive system or motor skills.
-I don’t buy Rousseau’s answer to Kate’s question about why she hasn’t asked about Alex. She’s bracing herself for upset, but what about asking if she looked healthy? Was she being treated OK? Was she happy? She’s right; Alex won’t remember her, and might not want to, but as a mom, aren’t these things just basic things that a mother would need to know?
-the list that Mikhail mentions is Jacob’s, a “magnificent man.” But who is he? Will we ever see him? He says Kate's not on the list because she is flawed, nor is Sayid or Locke. Was Jack on the list? Was Claire?
-why did Desmond fire the shots to scare away Claire’s birds? If she had caught one, then presumably Charlie would never have been on the rocks catching a second one. But by scaring them off, then Charlie would have to help Claire catch another one. Something seemed to be missing there.
-why would Mikhail thank Locke for throwing him into the security system? Maybe the guy has a death wish, but would ANYONE, regardless of how suicidal, want to go out that way? More importantly, why does John smile at him when Mikhail says that, like they’re in cahoots together?
-a repeat of one of last week’s questions: WHAT THE FRAK IS UP WITH JOHN LOCKE???? First he kills Mikhail, then smiles, then becomes belligerent with the others but stays creepy calm, then says he didn’t know the house had been rigged with C-4, but happens to have some in his pack… I’m getting the feeling he’s not on side with the Losties anymore, that he’s acting on his own, or acting with the Others, or SOMETHING, but I’m very confused. I started to think that Locke, going over the fence, would somehow break the log so no one else could follow or something.
-what made Claire dye her hair blonde again? She was pretty rockin’ as a brunette.
-why wasn’t Claire more broken up in the beginning when the plane first landed on the island? You’d think if her mother had been in a coma, she’d be extremely upset to be stuck on an island where she can no longer check up on her and take care of her.
-Jack’s playing football??

Nitpicks:
-bitchy Aunt Lindsay freaks out on Claire, clearly blaming her for the accident, but the mother was on the pavement and had gone through the windshield. Um… maybe the fact that Mommy didn’t bother to put on a bloody seatbelt could be the real culprit here??
-I’m tired of Claire switching sides on Charlie whenever the situation suits her. In season 2 she was all lovey-dovey with him, then he did something she didn’t like and she’s all, “Get out of my tent now, ya wanker, and go somewhere else.” Then when he makes it through the blast she kisses him and is all, “Oh hey, there’s an extra spot in my tent,” and then Desmond shoots his gun to scare away birds, and Charlie is actually taking care of her child, and she goes running back and is all, “I don’t know what you have to do with Desmond but you have something to do with him and he shot his gun in the air and I don’t know how this is connected with you AT ALL and I know you’ve been babysitting my baby whenever I’m not around but I need you out of my tent RIGHT NOW. Ya wanker.” And then she finds out that Charlie wasn’t trying to hurt her, and she grabs a seagull – a.k.a. the cleanest birds in the world – and carries it back to the tent and is all, “Hey, sorry about all that, and I know I told you to bugger off and get out of my tent but, um, here you are, and I don’t know what that’s all about because you were supposed to be gone, but anyway I brought this dirty seagull back to show it to Aaron, and I’m hoping he kisses the bird for good luck, but anyway, I’m sorry, and let’s be friends again.” Talk about head games.
-how do they think the piece of paper they attached to the seagull’s leg is going to survive? The moment that bird decides to take a break and lands in the water to float for a while, the piece of paper will wither and fall off. DUH.

Oops: Back in “Raised by Another,” Claire takes a pregnancy test, and tells Thomas she’s pregnant, and Thomas asks if she’s going to keep it and Claire says, “My mom would disown me,” and he says, “She pretty much has already.” The writers could try explaining this one away by saying he’s referring to the argument they had before her mother went into the coma, but I think back then the writers didn’t know she was in one, and knowing now how broken up Claire was over her mom’s condition, she would have slapped him for making a joke about her mother like that. So I take it as an inconsistency.

Next week: “The Man from Tallahassee,” a Locke episode. I’m seriously excited for it – first of all, Locke flashback (with the exception of the most recent one, they’ve all been amazing, and maybe the writers will finally… please?? PLEASE???... tell us why he was in that wheelchair), secondly, we’re seeing the Others again, and unlike a lot of fans, I loved seeing those people and how they work. EDIT: Just before posting this I checked the preview at the end of the ABC feed (I watch the 8pm CTV feed earlier to write this post) and it looks like we WILL find out why he was in the wheelchair!! Maybe we'll finally figure out why he's been acting so weird, too.

Advance warning for Lost fans: The episode in two weeks will be a Nikki and Paulo flashback. Either make plans to do something else that night, or get your barf buckets ready. And damn those writers if they make me like them… nope. No, it just WON’T happen. I’ll start writing fan fiction of Paulo dying in spectacular ways in protest.

I'm back... almost
Hey y'all, sorry I've been away for so long. It was my holiday, and I was unable to post. Not that I didn't have a lot I could have posted on, but vacation got in the way. I will be posting on Lost later tonight (and I'm just about to watch America's Next Top Model, yay!)

Favourite line on 30 Rock last week: "I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it!" If you missed it, you can watch it here:



Over the past few days, due to a couple of grandparents with free time, my husband and I have been child-free (and to be honest, it's totally getting to me... I WANT MY GIRL BACK!) and in that time, we've seen lots of movies:

Breach: This is a VERY good film starring Ryan Phillippe, who is good, and Chris Cooper, who is always brilliant. I hadn't heard a lot about it when it came out, but I highly recommend it.

Zodiac: Good, but LONG. Very long. They start with the editorial cartoonist (Jake Gyllenhaal), then focus on the writer (Robert Downey Jr.), then the cop (Mark Ruffalo) and while they're all awesome actors, and I understand the point was to show how the Zodiac killer destroyed the lives of the people trying to hunt him down, they drop the writer and cop stories and come back around to the cartoonist. If they'd found a way to keep the writer and cop peripheral to the story, they could have had an amazing film in about 1 hour and 45 min, not the 3-hour epic that it is.

United 93: Wow. I rented this one after avoiding it when it came out. I'm still haunted by the images of 9/11 (who isn't??) and didn't think I could handle a movie that would bring it all back. But I can't recommend this movie highly enough. Yes, it's disturbing, and despite seeing the image of that plane flying into that tower countless times, I literally gasped out loud when it happened again. This movie isn't just about the people on the plane that was supposed to hit the White House, though; it's a film about the whole day, about the people who were involved in the air traffic control centers (in many cases, using the real controllers who were working that day), showing you how early the problems were spotted, yet they had no idea what was happening, how difficult it was to get military help, and just how confused everyone is. And while I'm the LAST person on this earth to go, "Yay, George W. Bush!" (I am baffled by the fact he is somehow in for a second term) it really shows that they had no idea what was going on, and that no one was mentally equipped to deal with a problem of this magnitude. Michael Moore can make fun of Bush all he wants, showing him sitting there reading a story about a goat to children when he should have doing something, but just like the rest of the world, he had no idea what was actually happening. When you're put into the very moments between 8:20 and 11 a.m. of that morning, you realize how confusing and insane that morning really was. More importantly, though, this movie shows you that real heroes exist in the world. Watch this film. (I cried for the last 45 minutes, so be warned.)

Jesus Camp: I loved this documentary about a Bible camp for Evangelical children. The genius of this movie is that the filmmakers simply filmed these children at the camp, at their homes, interacting with their parents and peers, and just let it stand. There is no editorializing. There is a radio host who has a call-in show where he talks about how dangerous the Evangelical movement is in the U.S. (there are 30 million of them, and they can -- and did -- determine an election). But if you are an Evangelical, you will watch this movie beaming at the honest depiction of your beliefs. If you are not, you will sit and stare at the screen, with your jaw on the floor, watching as 6-year-old children are standing in the middle of a church, being yelled at as hypocrites by a minister, holding their arms in the air, speaking in tongues as the Holy Spirit fills them, with tears running down their faces. There is something almost sinister about these scenes, and it has to be seen to be believed.

The Devil Wears Prada: This was our fun film amongst all of the other ones, and it really was fun. There was a lot of it that was kinda head-scratching -- like, um, how does Andie come out OK at the end of it after everything she's done to people around her -- so you just have to try not to think about it too hard, but it's a lot of fun to watch. Meryl Streep is fantastic in it.

Anyway, on to watch ANTM!

So You Wanna Have a Buffy Marathon?
Saturday, March 10th marks the 10th anniversary of the first episode of Buffy, "Welcome to the Hellmouth." Many true-blue Buffy fans will be settling in to watch marathons. You can just sit and watch the classics, or season finales, or your personal favourites. If you're looking for themes, here are a few suggestions. These are just my personal pics, so what you consider to be the funnies could be different from mine:

Angel:
Angel
Surprise
Innocence
Passion
I Only Have Eyes For You
Becoming 1&2
Amends
The Prom
Angel: I Will Remember You

Spike:
School Hard
What’s My Line 2
Becoming 2
Lover’s Walk
Pangs
Fool for Love
After Life
Once More, With Feeling
Grave
Beneath You
Lies My Parents Told Me
Touched
Chosen

Comedy:
The Puppet Show
Halloween
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Gingerbread
The Zeppo
Doppelgangland
Fear, Itself
Pangs
A New Man
Buffy vs. Dracula
Tabula Rasa
Storyteller

Characters Not Acting Like Themselves:
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Band Candy
The Wish
Beer Bad*
Something Blue
Superstar*
Tabula Rasa
Normal Again
Him*
*these episodes also represent some of the low points of the series, so feel free to skip them

Tara and Willow:
Hush
New Moon Rising
Family
Tough Love
The Gift
Tabula Rasa
Older and Far Away
Seeing Red

Heartbreak:
Lie to Me
Innocence
Passion
I Only Have Eyes for You
Becoming 2
The Wish
The Prom
Wild at Heart
Fool for Love
The Body
The Gift
Two to Go/Grave
Conversations with Dead People
Touched
Chosen

Buffy: The Moments that Made Us Cry
In other words, our favourites. I can think of so many things in this series that made me cry, and many of them were wordless (hence, not listed below) like Giles climbing his stairs slowly, anticipating Jenny waiting for him at the top; Willow crying in the school bathroom when she's realized Cordy and Xander are together; the gang in the alternate Wish universe, with Oz staking Willow without a second thought; Buffy dancing with Angel at the prom; the looks on everyone's faces when Buffy sings to them that she was in heaven; the look of triumph on Buffy's face as she stood on the edge of the hellmouth, and was no longer the only Slayer in the world. But the following are some of my favourite wordy moments. Be forewarned: if you're a Buffy fan, you'd better get some Kleenex. Even while formatting these for the blog, I had to keep saying, "Don't read them... don't read them..." And to make it even harder on you, I've included pictures. :) Enjoy!

ANGEL: I know this is hard.
BUFFY: What do you know about this? You’re never gonna die!
ANGEL: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
BUFFY: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
GILES: Buffy, if the Master rises...
BUFFY: I don’t care! (calms down) I don’t care. Giles, I’m sixteen years old. I don’t wanna die.





GILES: In my years as... Watcher... I’ve buried... too many people. But Jenny was the first I’ve loved.
BUFFY: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t kill him for you... for her... when I had the chance. I wasn’t ready. But I think I finally am. I can’t hold on to the past anymore. Angel has gone. Nothing’s ever gonna bring him back.

ANGEL: (softly) Buffy? (sobs) What’s going on? Where are we? I-I don’t remember.

BUFFY: (softly) Angel?

ANGEL: You’re hurt. Oh, Buffy... God. I... I feel like I haven’t seen you in months. Oh, my God, everything’s so muddled. I... Oh... Oh, Buffy... What’s happening?

BUFFY: (whispers reassuringly) Shh. Don’t worry about it. I love you.

ANGEL: I love you.

BUFFY: Close your eyes. (stabs him through)

ANGEL: Buffy...


BUFFY: Angel, please, you *have* to get inside.

ANGEL: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.

BUFFY: I know what it told you. What does it matter?

ANGEL: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it’ll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn’t care. Look, I’m weak. I’ve never been anything else. It’s not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It’s the man.

BUFFY: You’re weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it’s because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!

ANGEL: Just go.

BUFFY: I won’t!

ANGEL: What, do you think this is simple? You think there’s an easy answer? You can never understand what I’ve done! Now go!

BUFFY: You are not staying here. I won’t let you!

ANGEL: I said LEAVE! (He jerks his arm free of her grasp. In her anger and desperation Buffy punches him. He reacts by shoving her away from him roughly, making her fall face forward, hard to the ground.)

ANGEL: (quietly to himself) Oh, my God...

BUFFY: No! No!

ANGEL: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!

BUFFY: (tearfully) What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away... I killed you and it didn’t help. (crying) And I hate it! I hate that it’s *so* hard... and that you can hurt me *so* much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don’t. (whispers) I can’t.

ANGEL: Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong.
BUFFY: Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s every day. It’s what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you’re too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can’t convince you that you belong in this world, then I don’t know what can. But do *not* expect me to watch. And *don’t* expect me to mourn for you, because... [snow begins to fall...]


BUFFY: When I hit him, it felt like my arm was broken, it hurt so much. I can’t be just a person. I can’t be helpless like that. Giles, please, we have to figure out what’s happening to me. (Giles opens his briefcase and pulls out the case with the syringe. He opens it, lets out a deep sigh and sets it in front of her.)

GILES: It’s an organic compound... of muscle relaxants and adrenal suppressers. The effect is temporary. You’ll be yourself again in a few days.

BUFFY: You?

GILES: It’s a test, Buffy. It’s given to the Slayer once she... uh, well, if she reaches her eighteenth birthday. The Slayer is disabled and then entrapped with a vampire foe whom she must defeat in order to pass the test. The vampire you were to face... has escaped. His name is Zackary Kralik. As a mortal, he murdered and tortured more than a dozen women before he was committed to an asylum for the criminally insane. When a vamp...

BUFFY: (sobbing angrily) You bastard. All this time, you saw what it was doing to me. All this time, and you didn’t say a word!

GILES: I wanted to.

BUFFY: (sobs) Liar.

GILES: In matters of tradition and protocol, I must answer to the Council. My role in this... was very specific. I was to administer the injections and to direct you to the old boardinghouse on Prescott Lane.

BUFFY: (crying and shaking her head) I can’t... I can’t hear this.

GILES: Buffy, please.

BUFFY: Who are you? How could you do this to me?

GILES: I am deeply sorry, Buffy, (reaches out to her) and you have to understand...

BUFFY: If you touch me, I’ll kill you.


JONATHAN: We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um... This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, the prom committee asked me to read this. “We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it’s no secret that Sunnydale High isn’t really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.”

CROWD: Zombies! Hyena people! Snyder! (laughter)

JONATHAN: “But, whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the Class of ‘99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history.” (applause from the crowd) “And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class, offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this.”

(Jonathan produces a multicolored, glittering, miniature umbrella with a small metal plaque attached to the shaft.)

JONATHAN: It’s from all of us, and it has written here, “Buffy Summers, Class Protector.”


BUFFY: (calling) Hey, Mom.

(She turns, sees some flowers on the table beside the door.)

BUFFY: Ooh.

(She opens the card that came with the flowers. Shot of the card, which reads: Thank you for a lovely evening. See you soon… Brian. )

BUFFY: (to herself) Still a couple of guys getting’ it right. (calls) Hey. Flower-gettin’ lady. Want me to pick Dawn up from school?(No answer, but we see something on the couch out of focus in the background)

BUFFY: Mom? What are you doing?(she sees Joyce, lifeless on the couch)

BUFFY: (quieter) Mom? (even quieter) Mom? (very quietly) Mommy?


ANYA: (desperate) But I don’t understand!

(Willow and Xander look at her in surprise.)

ANYA: (crying) I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s, (sniffling) there’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead anymore. It’s stupid. It’s mortal and stupid. (still teary) And, and Xander’s crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she’ll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.


DAWN: But I need her. I don’t care if she... I’m not like you, Buffy. I don’t have anybody.

BUFFY: What? Of course you do! You have me!

DAWN: No, I don’t. You won’t even look at me. It’s so obvious you don’t want me around.

BUFFY: That’s not true.

DAWN: Yes it is. Mom died, and it’s like you don’t even care. BUFFY: Of course I care! How can you even think that?

DAWN: How can I not? You haven’t even cried. You’ve just been running around like it’s been some big chore. Cleaning up after Mom’s mess. (Buffy slaps her)

BUFFY: Dawn, I’ve been working, I’ve been busy because I have to...

DAWN: No, you’ve been avoiding me!

BUFFY: I’m not! I have to do these things, ‘cause, ‘cause when I stop, then she’s really gone. And I’m trying, Dawn, I am really trying to take care of things. But I don’t even know what I’m doing! Mom always knew.

DAWN: Nobody’s asking you to be mom.

BUFFY: Well who’s gonna be if I’m not? Huh, Dawn? Have you even thought about that? Who’s gonna make things better? Who’s gonna take care of us?

DAWN: Buffy...

BUFFY: I didn’t mean to push you away, I didn’t. I just, I couldn’t let you see me... Oh god, Dawny. I don’t know what we’re gonna do. I’m scared!


TARA: Willow?

WILLOW: It’s okay. Let’s just start slow today. Buffy can I have that... (accepts applesauce from Buffy & begins feeding Tara) Here you go. That’s my girl.

DAWN: Can I help? (takes over feeding)

BUFFY: (to Willow) What are you gonna need?

WILLOW: I don’t know. They gave me a lot of stuff to keep her calm. They said I might have to restrain her at night. Sometimes she’s fine. She looks at me, and... she’s fine.

BUFFY: I’m sorry I couldn’t...

WILLOW: It’s okay. I can do this. I’m gonna take care of her. Even if she never... she’s my girl.

BUFFY: I understand.

WILLOW: I know you do. (to Tara) Hear that, baby? You’re my always.


BUFFY: Listen to me! Please, there’s not a lot of time, listen. (

we see her talking to Dawn, but don’t hear. Then she turns and swan dives. We start to hear what she said to Dawn, over images of Dawn crying, Spike, Giles, Xander, Anya, Willow, &Tara discovering Buffy’s body in the rubble.)

BUFFY: (voiceover) Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will *always* love you. This is the work I have to do. Tell Giles... Tell Giles I figured it out. And... I’m okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS

1981-2001

BELOVED SISTER, DEVOTED FRIEND

SHE SAVED THE WORLD A LOT

SPIKE: Buffy, if you’re in ... if you’re in pain ... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you...

BUFFY: You can’t.
SPIKE: Well, I haven’t been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
BUFFY: I was happy. Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn’t mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don’t understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I’m not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... (softly) knowing what I’ve lost... (gets up, walks towards the sunlight, pauses, not looking back) They can never know. Never. (continues into the sunlight)


GILES: (angry) You were lucky.
WILLOW: I wasn’t lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren’t even there.
GILES: If I had been, I’d have bloody well stopped you. The magicks you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, (even more angry) and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!
WILLOW: You’re right. The magicks I used are very powerful. I’m very powerful. And maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to piss me off. (beat) Come on, Giles, I-I don’t want to fight. I ... Let’s not, okay? I’ll think about what you said, and you ... try to be happy Buffy’s back.
GILES: We still don’t know where she was ... or what happened to her. And I’m far from convinced she’s come out of all this undamaged.


SPIKE: So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed’s a bit blown up, but then, that was never our-
BUFFY: I’m not here to- And I’m not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That’s just you. I should have remembered.
SPIKE: So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me-
BUFFY: It’s over.
SPIKE: I’ve memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn’t change what you want.
BUFFY: I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while.
SPIKE: I don’t call five hours straight a little while.
BUFFY: I’m using you. I can’t love you. I’m just ... being weak, and selfish...
SPIKE: Really not complaining here.
BUFFY: ...and it’s killing me. I have to be strong about this. I’m sorry ... William.


ANYA: (smiling) So ... we’re ready now. Let’s get married.
XANDER: I... I’m not. I’m not ready. I can’t, Ahn, I’m sorry.
ANYA: But it wa— it wasn’t real. What he showed you, it wasn’t real.
XANDER: I know it wasn’t real. But it could be.
ANYA: What was it? Was it about me? ‘Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander.
XANDER: It wasn’t you. It wasn’t you I was hating. I had these thoughts, and ... fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast.
ANYA: Look, everybody has thoughts. It’s natural, it doesn’t mean that, that getting married is wrong.
XANDER: I know, I know...
ANYA: (desperate) Look, you’re just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we’ll start over, okay? (Xander looks at his arguing parents)
XANDER: (tearful) We can’t start over. If this is a mistake, it’s forever, and ... I don’t want to hurt you. Not that way. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.


XANDER: O-oh! Okay... you had to do it. Because he was there. Like Mt. Everest. (a beat) Like I used to be.
ANYA: And then you weren’t. You left me, Xander. At the altar. I don’t owe you anything.
XANDER: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
ANYA: Where do you get off judging me?
XANDER: When this is your solution to our problems; I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
ANYA: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure little boy!
XANDER: I’m not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you — and I feel sick — ‘cause you had sex with that.
SPIKE: It was good enough for Buffy..
XANDER: Shut up and leave her out of...(looks at Buffy & realizes) ANYA: (realizing) Buffy.
BUFFY: Xander—
XANDER: I don’t want to know this, I don’t want to know any of this. (stalks off. Buffy shoots Spike a daggered look and goes too)
SPIKE: Bloody Xander, buggered up everything. You know, I wish —
ANYA: (weary) Don’t.


XANDER: Sweet fancy Moses! Where the hell did he get — (sees Buffy is shot) Oh god. Buffy? Oh god... oh god... Buffy...
(up in Willow & Tara’s room, a stray bullet hits Tara, sprays her blood on Willow’s white shirt)
TARA: Your shirt...
WILLOW: Tara? Tara? baby, come, on baby. Get up. Please. Tara... No... no... NO…



(**This following one gets my vote for the one that makes me weep buckets)
WILLOW: Proserpexa...Let the cleansing fires from the depths burn away the suffering souls, and bring sweet death.
(Xander suddenly breaks the beam between her & the effigy)
XANDER: Hey, black-eyed girl...Whatcha doin’?
WILLOW: Get out of here.
XANDER: Oh no...You’re not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.
WILLOW: I’m not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now.
(flings him back, Xander rises, blocks the beam again)
WILLOW: You can’t stop this.
XANDER: Yeah, I get that. It’s just - where else am I gonna go? You’ve been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?
WILLOW: Is this the master plan? You’re going to stop me by telling me ya love me?
XANDER: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
WILLOW: Still making jokes.
XANDER: I’m not joking. I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. And I know you’re about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You’re Willow.
WILLOW: Don’t call me that!
XANDER: The first day of kindergarten you cried ‘cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion... but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I’m going out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the world, well then start with me. I’ve earned that.
WILLOW: You think I won’t?
XANDER: It doesn’t matter. I’ll still love you.
WILLOW: Shut up. (she magically cuts his face)
XANDER: I love you. (she magically slices at his chest)
XANDER: I... love -- (she blasts him, but he gets back up & staggers towards her)
WILLOW: Shut up. (she blasts him again, weaker)
XANDER: I love you, Willow.
WILLOW: Stop...(weak blast)
XANDER: I love you.
WILLOW: Stop! (she punches at him with her fists, breaks down crying in his arms, her hair turning back to red)
XANDER: (softly) I love you.


DAWN: (to Xander) What’s up?
XANDER: Aw, I’m just thinking about the girls. It’s a harsh gig, being a potential. Just being picked out of a crowd, danger, destiny, (grins) plus if you act now, death.
DAWN: They can handle it.
XANDER: Yeah. They’re special, no doubt. The amazing thing is, not one of them will ever know, not even Buffy.
DAWN: Know what?
XANDER: How much harder it is for the rest of us.
DAWN: No way. They’ve got—
XANDER: Seven years, Dawn. Working with the slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch. A demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit, but come a full moon, he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful. All of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows.
DAWN: Well, you had that sexy army training for a while, and—and the windows really did need fixing.
XANDER: I saw what you did last night.
DAWN: Yeah, I— (embarrassed) I guess I kinda lost my head when I thought I was the slayer.
XANDER: You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren’t, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment’s pause. You gave her your power.
DAWN: (shrugs) The power wasn’t mine.
XANDER: They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn’t chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary. (stands, kisses her forehead, starts to walk out of the room)
DAWN: (tears welling in her eyes, calls after him) Maybe that’s your power.
XANDER: What?
DAWN: Seeing. Knowing.
XANDER: Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.
DAWN: Cape is good.
XANDER: Yeah. (leaves the room)


BUFFY: Oh, no, I just— I should really get back. I want to get everyone started on this. I think we’re really close to something.
XANDER: It’s OK. It’s gotta be done. And I might see you tonight, without depth perception, of course, but... still. (smiles)
WILLOW: So, I guess you’re stuck with me then, huh? Let’s order some cherry-flavored off-brand gelatin, and then I think we’ll be up for a rousing game of—
XANDER: I might need a parrot.
WILLOW: Huh?
XANDER: Well, to go with the eye patch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
WILLOW: Yeah, and don’t underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a 2-body-parts for the price of one kind of deal.
XANDER: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch jaws 3-D again.
WILLOW: Yeah, and, (tries to smile) you’ll never have to... (tries not to cry)
XANDER: (pained) Oh, Willow... please don’t.


FAITH: Everybody out now!(full scale retreat ensues)
ANDREW: (shocked to find himself alive, Anya dead) Why?(outside)
PRINICIPAL WOOD: The bus. Get them on the bus!
GILES: Everybody! This way!(inside)
XANDER: (calls out) Anya! Anya!
(Dawn pulls him away, he never sees her body)
(inside the bus)
VI: (to the wounded Rona) Look at me! This is nothing! Stay awake! This is nothing!
ANDREW: (to himself) Why didn’t I die?
(Buffy leaps from building to building, keeping pace with the schoolbus until she can leap to its roof. As the bus races out of town, Sunnydale collapses into a giant pit behind them)
FAITH: Ease off. We’re clear.
(Bus pulls over. Buffy comes off the roof and Dawn tackles her in a hug)
GILES: I don’t understand. What did this?
BUFFY: Spike.
(the “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign wavers and then topples into the giant pit)


Thank you, Joss Whedon. Thank you thank you thank you.