LOCKE: ... you deserve to know everything that I know. So... no more secrets. As you all know, Miles here and three of his people came to the island about a week ago. I brought him up from the boathouse to share with us exactly why they’re here.
MILES: We’re here for him. [points to Ben]
HURLEY: Um... we kinda like, knew that forever ago.
LOCKE: Wait... it gets better. Miles... tell them what else we discussed.
MILES: [pauses, rolls his eyes] Uh... Locke has been listening to the island, and it’s telling him things.
HURLEY: Dude. We’ve known that even longer than forever.
LOCKE: Oh yeah? Well... there’s a SMOKE MONSTER on the island!!!
HURLEY: Dude. Seriously. News that is older than dirt.
LOCKE: B... But... But I was the one who figured all of this out! It was ME! Don’t you remember back when I told you guys that we are not alone on this island?
HURLEY: Yeah, dude, and you added, “And you all know it.” Because we DID. Everyone knew it. Hell, Nikki and Paulo knew it.
SAWYER: Who the hell are Nikki and Paulo?
LOCKE: Listen, the point is, this island has secrets, and we need to find them. It speaks to me, and I am the island prophet.
BEN: Oh, brother... listen to this guy.
LOCKE: Oh, I’m sorry, Ben, did you have any revelations for the group??
BEN: Yes! My man on the boat is MICHAEL.
[gasps all around]
LOCKE: Okay, well, that’s new...
CLAIRE: Actually... I kinda figured that out through process of elimination. You see, if you consider all the possibilities...
LOCKE: Not now, Claire. You keep quiet. Rock the baby or something. You’ve been good at that for the past few seasons... er... weeks. What I’m saying is I’ve been keeping Miles down in the boathouse with a LIVE GRENADE in his mouth because I knew he had important information for us, and...
MILES: Actually, I assumed it wasn’t live. I mean, I had important information, and you’re not stupid, so there’s no way you would have blown my head off.
[Murmurs from the group, “Yeah, I figured that, too...” “He wouldn’t have done something that crazy....”
MILES: And you didn’t tie my hands very well, so I was taking the grenade out, and only putting it back in when I could see you coming toward the boathouse.
[LOCKE looks at everyone, nostrils flaring, anger management class lessons disappearing from his head.]
LOCKE: YOU PEOPLE ARE UNGRATEFUL!!! I’ve taught you SO much. I’ve taught you how to track wild boar...
SAWYER: Actually, Kate showed a lot of us how to track animals before you did...
LOCKE: ... how to throw knives...
ROUSSEAU: Sorry, that was me. I was coming out of hiding and showing people how to defend themselves. Sixteen years on the island and all...
LOCKE: ...how to play backgammon...
HURLEY: I, uh, think most of us played that game when we were kids.
LOCKE: [fuming] ... I SHOWED YOU THAT THE ISLAND HAS MYSTICAL PROPERTIES!!!
CLAIRE: I think even Aaron knew that one... before he was born.
LOCKE: All right, fine. I give up. You people think you’re so smart, then YOU find another leader!
[opens the door, slams it, and storms out]
BEN: Well. THAT went well.
[door opens, LOCKE comes back in, walks angrily across the room, picks up a plate and smashes it against the wall. Walks back to the door, and leaves.]
BEN: Well. He’s nothing if not consistent.