SAWYER: I also know that 20 years ago, some bald fella limped into your camp and fed you some mumbo jumbo about being your leader. And then poof... he went and disappeared right in front of ya. Any of this ringin' a bell? That man's name is John Locke, and I'm waitin' for him to come back. So... you still think I'm a member of the damn DHARMA Initiative?
RICHARD: No. I guess I don't. But no matter who you are, two of my men are dead. And my people need some kind of justice. Now what are we gonna do about that?
SAWYER: Seriously? Listen here, Captain Eyeliner, I just told you that I’m a time traveler and I’ve BEEN time traveling with the very man that you’re searching for. At the very least, you should be asking me how the hell I know that and who or what I am. Then you should be asking me what I know about John Locke, and thirdly, the audience should be asking how the hell I would know any of this since I was somewhere else in the jungle while John was in your camp.
RICHARD: Look, I don’t know where your hostility is coming from, but I can assure you I know plenty about John Locke, and I don’t think I need to be getting any information from [sits back and takes a good look at Sawyer]… you.
SAWYER: Maybe I should repeat myself: I am a time traveler.
RICHARD: Show me someone on this island who isn’t, and then I’ll be impressed. You think you’re somehow special because the island has forced you to jump through time? I’ve been living on this island for a lot longer than you. A LOT longer. And check me out: I’m still young and hot.
SAWYER: How the hell do I know you’re telling the truth?
RICHARD: Are you calling me a liar?? Tell me, in this “time traveling” that you did, did you ever see a statue? Because that is a statue that was built hundreds of years ago. And I was THERE. I am a phar-OH, would you look at the time!
SAWYER: Wait a minute, there, Hoss, what were you about to tell me? That this island has something to do with Ancient Egypt or something?
RICHARD: Really, I do need to get going. I have, um… some hair growing to do. In time to make a magical appearance to Ben. I really need to…
SAWYER: Wait, what did you say there, Tutankhamen?? Ben, as in Ben Linus? Is HE in this camp, too?
RICHARD: Aw, jeez… um… look, I gotta run.
SAWYER: Is he time traveling, too? Did the two of you start some ancient civilization on this island that still carries some of the mystical properties to this day and you discovered how to separate it from the rest of the world, calling up a smoke monster as some sort of ancient protector over all, and the reason we all crashed on the island is because…
DAMON: All right, CUT! Josh, what the hell are you doing? You’re like, giving away the ending and we’re only in season 5.
JOSH HOLLOWAY: NO WAY! Did I seriously just figure it out??
DAMON: Uh… n-no? No. Absolutely not. [To Carlton] Scrap all that Egyptian stuff… we’ll have to start over.
JOSH: Oh, SNAP, I totally figured it out, didn’t I??
DAMON: No you didn’t, Josh. So just cut it out.
EMILIE DE RAVIN: [emerging from the jungle] Is it time for my line, yet?
DAMON: Sigh… No, Emilie. I told you, you need to stick around in the jungle until we need you.
EMILIE: But I don’t understand why you can’t just let me know when I’ll be used and then call me to the set on that day. I’ve been hiding in this friggin’ jungle for WEEKS, now, Damon!
DAMON: It’s all part of the mystique! Claire’s out there somewhere, hangin’ with Christian. She’ll be back in season 6, so don’t worry, and… oh.
EMILIE: Season 6?! You mean you had no reason to use me AT ALL this season?? That’s it. I spent a season just sitting on the beach holding a giant doll and asking Jack every two minutes if the kid looked sick to him, and then another season tromping through the jungle with the damn kid slung over my shoulder, and now you’ve had me picking bamboo bits out of my hair for weeks for NOTHING. I quit. [Storms off…]
DAMON: [To Carlton] CRAP. Cut out all that stuff about Claire’s part in all of this. We’ll have to reveal that Christian also fathered Kate or something.
DAMON: Let’s just get the writers together. We’ve got some work to do. [They all leave.]
NESTOR CARBONELL: Um… hello? Anyone? Can I wash the eyeliner off now?