Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Lost Haiku: The Richard Alpert Edition

I was just saying to one of my readers a couple of weeks ago: there's just never enough haiku. The whole five-seven-five thing always carries with it some hilarity because of the restrictions placed on us (and check it out: five and seven are NOT Hurley numbers!)

After the mind-blowing season 3 finale, I posted some haikus that I'd written with my friend Crissy, and readers jumped in and posted some of their own in the comments section. It's still one of my favourite posts, so I decided it's time for more. Maybe I'll write some haiku every week focusing on one aspect of the show and we can all add to it. Please feel free to write your own in the comments. I can't wait to read them!

This week my focus shall be on the mysterious Richard Alpert, who is quickly becoming a new hottie on the show for me. Why am I not writing about Desmond, you might ask? Well... for him I shall write sonnets. Le sigh.

Time traveller or
Immortal? Probably a
Little bit of both.

Richard Alpert is
Immortal, but I must ask:
Is that eyeliner?

“He’s the chosen one,
I can feel it! Wait... Don’t choose
The knife! Ugh. Dumbass.”

“I’m the chosen one.
You told me yourself, so, could
We just skip that test?”

Um… seriously?
What good is a compass if
It never points north?

Little Ben Linus
Meets Alpert in the jungle
What’s with the bad hair?

“He thinks he’s special.
But he’s here for a reason.
Leaders get shot first.”


Crissy Calhoun said...

so weird: i was rereading those haikus a few days ago and was going to have a "remember when" with you. ahhhhh.

MJCarp said...

All knowing Alpert asks,
When did I give you that, Locke?
A question asked not answered.

Removing the bullet
More Ben-like in your glasses
Have you fooled us all?

Searching for leaders
By collections of objects
in Others manbag.

Corey said...

My eyes, so deep and
sunken, like pits of despair
lined with eye shadow.

Corey said...

Oh, Richard Alpert,
did Suddenly Susan drive
you over the edge?

Unknown said...

Where Richard Alpert,
Where did that compas come from?
Are you "The Doctor"?

Chuck Power said...

Compass from dark eyes
On the Island I rule all
Have to tell Helen

Anonymous said...

Thank God Cane is gone.
Our Richard has now come home.
The island needs him.

Why is Locke special?
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
He told me himself.

Can't kill your father?
Here's a file. Let James do it.

Not the knife, damn it!
Wrong, you silly little boy.
Pick the book. The book!

Anonymous said...

I am laughing out loud. My brother was looking at me quizzically, and all I had to say was "I'm on Nikki Stafford's site". These are the best!

Anonymous said...

Taken from Wikipedia!

Personal life

Eyeliner issue:

The producers of Lost actually confirmed once that those are just Nestor Carbonell's eyes. No eyeliner, just genetics.

"When we first saw dailies of Nestor, we were, like, 'Someone's gotta talk to him about the eyeliner situation,'" Lindelof said. "And he does not wear any mascara, no eyeliner, nothing. He is completely 100 percent sans makeup. That's the God's honest truth."

Blam said...

older than you think
I always look the same (well
grew my hair out once)

Blam said...

Come closer, closer.
Want to know a secret, John?
My name is Nestor.

I've been here always
On the island forever
But I still look gooood

Where did I come from?
If you really must know, I'm
The Fifth Cylon. Psyche!

Still not as good as batcabbage...

Anonymous said...

@ Blam: "still not as good as batcabbage..."

I don't know about that! "The fifth cylon. Psyche!" Absolute gold!!! LMAO!

Anonymous said...

Here's a Desmond one, just for Nik.

Nude in the jungle.
Hurley refuses him clothes.
"Suit yourself, brother."

Anonymous said...

So Alpert is one
Hundred per cent sans makeup?
He was born that hot!

Anonymous said...

Will Richard Alpert
Ever go sans shoes so we
Can count his toes?

humanebean said...

Let me get this straight:
If that isn't your compass,
Where did it come from?

humanebean said...

Juliet tells us
Richard has always been there.
My question is: Where?

humanebean said...

One with the island
We know time passes you by
Who are you, Richard?

Jason Paul Tolmie said...

All lost or all found,
You are related to me,
Your island gives birth.

Nikki Stafford said...

May I offer my tiny edit?

Nude in the jungle.
Hurley refuses him clothes.
Nikki is happy.


Nikki Stafford said...

Maggie: LOL!!! I just read the Wikipedia thing and it made me laugh out loud. I had no idea this was a big deal!! I was watching last week thinking, 'Man, are his eyes naturally that dark or is that makeup?' Guess I wasn't the only one! That's awesome.

yourblindspot said...

(Note: this is not a haiku.)
(Oh, wait -- yes it is.)

Alpert: native guide,
Recondite benefactor
And last of his kind?

Black Rock stowaway
Boy, did you sure blow it when
You jumped on THAT ship

Youthfulness betrays
Richard the conquistador
Juan Ponce de León

I bet Sawyer calls
The Others 'Rick Alpert and
The Tijuana Brass'

Nestor Carbonell
Has a name that fits just right
Into a haiku

Blam said...

Hate to say it but
Prob'ly can't watch Lost tonight
Have fun without me

Nikki Stafford said...

I should probably have put a disclaimer up for this, but I didn't realize I had to do so... so, here goes.

Blam: That was offensive. I don't want to see any talk like that on this blog again. ;)

Blam said...

Nikki: I'm visiting family. I did just get to watch last night's Fringe, though (and will comment on your related post if time allows), so hopefully if I don't see Lost tonight I won't go more than a day without seeing it. I apologize for speaking such unconscionable words.

Rebecca T. said...

Richard is special
As are Walt, Locke and Aaron
But who matters most?

Libby Colorado said...

Questions I still have:
Where's Claire? Why not bring back Walt?