2007 Oscars -- It Just Ain't Workin'

For years I used to host a huge Oscar party, complete with a red carpet, a golden Oscar on the TV, a tiara'd hostess standing at the door taking coats, an Oscar pool that some years became pretty lucrative when we packed the place, large menus of handmade food that were named after the nominees of the year (In the BedShrooms were probably the biggest hit). Then I had a daughter, and the Oscar party went away. This year we decided to try again, and while it involved some tag-teaming with my husband to get the girl to bed, and I didn't actually make any hot hors-d'oeuvres that would require me running around all night, and the attendance was limited to only a few people, it was great to have the fun of people cheering or booing when the person who won Best Sound Editing was called.

This year the Oscars instated a new policy about speeches -- if you show up on stage with a list of people, and you begin naming names, and you do nothing but thank people, they were going to play you off after 10 seconds. And if you mixed it up a little by saying something interesting in your speech, they would hold off on pulling out the cane and scooping your sorry ass off the stage. So here you had all these people who've devoted their ENTIRE LIVES to film, who have been nominated several times and have gone through the constant disappointment of hearing other names called, whose dreams have come true and finally -- FINALLY -- THEIR name is called, only to get up on the stage and be rudely played off after 10 seconds??? It's disgusting.


Ellen DeGeneres was great. Is there anyone in America who doesn't love her? She was herself completely, right from her opening comments about how it would be weird if everyone in the audience had dreamt of her being at the Oscars someday to going into the audience and directing Spielberg on how to take a pic of her and Eastwood to use on her myspace. I heart Ellen.

So here are some other suggestions about what to do with the Oscars:

GET RID of that Oscar.com guy who wanks off for 30 seconds before every commercial break. Ooh, they think they're going to send me a Web site AND let me see a glimpse into the backstage area, where it's just a bunch of gaffers and pages running around while this loser with the big hair tells me to go to a site that will have woefully old information at best? Um... I'd rather hear the Visual Effects guy thank his mother.

STOP with the damn montages. Some of them were pretty cool (I loved the best foreign film one, which made me go, "oh, I've seen that one, oooh, I HAVEN'T seen that one... oh, that one made me cry!") but they go on WAY too long.

Come up with more ideas like the interpretive dance people. When they first said interpretive dance, some people shouted, "ACK! Turn the channel!" but we let it go the first time, and were pleasantly surprised. They wowed us, and it only took about 10 seconds of our time.

Have the parties BEFORE the ceremony, so they can get really soused and make things interesting. Somehow, the Golden Globes have much better speeches, always come in under 3 hours, never waste our time, and are entertaining from beginning to end. That's because there are no montages, no songs, and lots of drunk people.

Speaking of drunk people, maybe some of them WERE, looking at the outfits.

Jennifer Hudson: Dress would have been great, if she hadn't stolen The Count's tiny special silver cape. He was saving that for the special Sesame Street Oscars, and now will have to go with his everyday black and purple number.

Anne Hathaway: "Oh my god, I had this awesome white dress picked out and then that giant black butterfly landed on my chest and my assistant went and smacked it with a huge flyswatter and it's stuck here. I hope no one notices..."

Nicole Kidman:

Colour = looks great on her

Fit = yes, yes she is, so the form-fitting is perfect

Giant frakkin' bow = ?????

Jodie Foster: Hair, perfect. Dress, perfect. Jodie, perfect. I love her.

Helen Mirren: How is it that a woman twice my age has me intensely jealous of her body? Sigh. She's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I could have done without her Rule Brittania tribute to the bloody queen, but she was great nonetheless.

Kate Winslet: The girl is 31, has been nominated 5 times, and she's gorgeous and sophisticated and never makes a misstep. Love this dress.

Cate Blanchett: CLASSY; she is a screen goddess. You can always count on her to have an awesome dress. Why don't others pay attention to her??

Sherry Lansing: She won the humanitarian award for her contributions to cancer research, and her dress was jaw-dropping. My favourite one of the evening.

Best speech: Loved Forest Whitaker's: he managed to thank people, say something interesting, and didn't get played off. Brilliant.

Biggest upset: Alan Arkin over Eddie Murphy. I haven't seen Dreamgirls yet, and I plan to, but something tells me Mr. Murphy has pissed off one too many people in Hollywood and it's come back to bite him in the ass. The last good film I've seen that he was in was Bowfinger (1999), which was one of my all-time favourite films, but it ticks me off that he's smart enough to recognize how great that movie is, and then still insists on doing this Norbit shit. It's annoying.

Least surprising moment: When Martin Scorsese won. Uh, duh, when the three horsemen of 1970s cinema take the stage looking for the fourth, you know they're not going to give it to Paul Greengrass. And having Jack "Mt. Baldy" Nicholson presenting Best Picture just capped off that one.

Funniest comment from the party: When Ennio Morricone was accepting his award, my friend Jer said, "And then... ironically... they played him off using his own music."