Bionic Woman Talks

Michelle Ryan has started doing the rounds of publicity for September's reimagined Bionic Woman. The pilot has gone out to papers, and generally it's getting good reviews, but as Rob McKenzie said in the National Post this morning, the success of this show will depend on the lead character.

I tend to refer to her as Zoe on this blog, and a couple of people have asked me who I'm talking about. But if you knew Zoe Slater, you wouldn't be worried about Michelle pulling off this role. On the longrunning British soap EastEnders (my guiltiest guilty pleasure), Ryan played Zoe, the beautiful but heartbroken girl who always had everything dumped on her. For a while, I couldn't stand her, but even when I saw Zoe as a whiny little annoyance, the actress was playing her exactly the way she was supposed to be.

When the Slaters arrived in Albert Square, Zoe had 4 sisters -- Kat, Lynn, Little Moe, and... help me out, Sue, Dierdre? Bianca? (she doesn't live with them and we've seen her like 3 times) -- and a dad, Charlie. She also had a bigmouthed awful aunt Moe, but enough on her. Soon after they moved there, she discovered that -- gasp! -- Kat was actually her MOM and had been raped by their uncle, Charlie's brother. Zoe was distraught. Then she started dating Anthony, who had previously been dating Kat, the square's bland, loser doctor who seemed to think being 30 and dating a 17-year-old was perfectly fine, and they were going to get married until he woke up one morning and said, "Hey, wait a minute, I know everyone's been saying she's too young but... ohmigod, she's too young!" Dumps her. Sleeps with Kat. Cripes.

Zoe is devastated, but then moves on to Dennis, one of the hottest men on television (let's put up a pic, shall we?) Mmmmmmm.... OK, so, anyway, she's totally in love with Dennis (who WOULDN'T be?) but oops, he's in love with his sister, Sharon (long story). They go back to their cozy little affair they'd been having earlier before the Zoe sham, and then he leaves town suddenly, all confused. Comes back, vows his love to Zoe, and wants to move in together. Like 2 months later, suddenly announces -- at Christmas dinner -- that he and Sharon are in love and moving to NY. Zoe looks like she's going to have a nervous breakdown. Dirty Den (Dennis's nasty, almost pedophilic father) grabs Zoe and pulls her into the back room, telling her to tell Dennis that she's pregnant. She does. Dennis is distraught, no more Sharon. He moves back in with Zoe, she's ashamed of the sham, but realizes that she needs to get pregnant quick. Dennis won't touch her, she doesn't know what to do, so... Dirty Den steps in and does the shagging for his son (ick). She feels disgusted, doesn't get pregnant, Den does the deed a second time, boom, Dennis walks in, she confesses all, and Dennis is gone. Zoe GETS PREGNANT and then Den's wife finds out (yes, he's married) and she pretends to be all sympathetic to Zoe, takes her for an abortion, Zoe has it and then has second thoughts, everyone thinks she's miscarried, she's depressed, and then Den's wife stages an intervention with him where she gets him to confess to sleeping with Zoe, not knowing his beloved daughter is lurking in the shadows, she hears it, he lunges at his wife, Zoe clonks him on the head with a doorstop... he's dead. Well, he's not, but Zoe doesn't know that because she runs away very upset, he grabs his wife's leg, wife gives him another beating on the head that truly kills him, and won't tell Zoe the truth. Zoe, wracked with guilt, thinks about going to the cops until wifey tells her not to, and Zoe packs up and goes on a trip. (That's where I'm at now, and since BBC Canada is 2 years behind, I have no idea what happens next.) Poor Zoe.

So come on, having a bit of metal in her? NOTHING compared to what Zoe Slater went through. ;)