Monday, January 15, 2007

Live Blogging the Golden Globes
… well, kind of. I’m live-PVRing it, and have had to pause it a couple of times while running upstairs to calm my daughter, who’s particularly difficult tonight. But mostly live blogging while being allowed to skip through commercials.

Best supporting actress in a film went to Jennifer Hudson: George Clooney presented, and the guy could not BE more suave. He opened the envelope and said the award went to Leonardo DiCaprio, a joke on the fact the guy’s all over the place. Hudson was sweet, but thanked God and said, “I can’t believe this!” over and over, so the evening was off to clichéd start.

Best Original Song: Prince won for Happy Feet. He wasn’t there, and Justin Timberlake, who was presenting the award, didn’t know that, so he stood there waiting and waiting until someone shouted something from the back, and the guy totally ad libbed by stepping up to the mike, saying, “I guess Prince isn’t here tonight, so I’d like to accept this award on his behalf” and then he crouched right down so the mike was over his head and said, “Thank you.” Hahahahahaha! First great moment of the evening.

Jack Nicholson’s daughter is introduced as the chickie in the dress who helps people walk off the stage (because apparently after you win an award, you need help walking) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nicholson look that proud of anything that wasn’t himself.

Best supporting actor in miniseries or TV show: How CUTE was Masi Oka when they announced his name?! The Golden Globe went to Jeremy Irons (and I had a moment where I went, “YEAH… oh” because I thought it was Pivens. Damn. I LOVE Pivens in Entourage and he should have taken this. However, I’ve also seen Elizabeth I, and if you haven’t seen this miniseries, SEE IT. It’s gory and brilliant and beautifully acted. But I still love Jeremy Pivens more. (I just wish Eva Longoria had said, “And the winner is, from Elizabeth I…” so poor Pivens didn’t look so shattered when Irons walked past him.

Best Actress in a Drama: Kyra Sedgwick took this one; it’s always so cute to see her kissing Kevin Bacon. Wow, a Hollywood marriage that works!! My favourite moment of them calling out the names on this one was when they said Evangeline Lilly, and you could see Dominic Monaghan taking a huge gulp of a drink behind her, and then looking up like, “Huh? Oh… uh… oh…” and by then the camera’s already off them. Sedgwick thanked her family and said, “I just made Jack Nicholson laugh and I don’t know why!” and they cut to Nicholson who is so clearly hammered it’s pretty hilarious. Some stupid woman standing at the edge of the stage interviews Sedgwick moments after she’s won, and it’s like when those sports “journalists” are standing at the end of a golf tournament and Tiger Woods walks off after a bad round and they shove a mike in his face and say, “So, Tiger, how did you play today?” and the guy always looks like he’s going to clock them (MAN I wish he would) but instead talks about how he gave 110% and could have putted better but maybe tomorrow will be better. Sedgwick similarly just kept going, “Wow!” and looked like she wanted the woman to GO AWAY so she could go and bask in her win with her husband.

Naomi Watts introduces Babel as one of the Best Picture nominees, and screws up the name of the director, despite the fact he directed her in 21 Grams. Maybe she’s hitting the same sauce as Nicholson. Cate Blanchett looks flawless when they cut to her.

Renee Zellweger comes out, squinting worse than usual (Are the lights seriously that bright, Bridget? Really?) and tells everyone to clap for the Hollywood Foreign Press. She keeps moving away from the mike so you hear only some of the words. “I know from experience…won an award from…Foreign Press, so I’d like to intro-…sident of the Hollywood Foreign Press.” Old guy walks out and this is where Monaghan and Nicholson go and order some more drinks. No, wait, they just cut to Jack with his eyes rolling back in his head (seriously) and the whole audience began laughing, and old guy looked seriously disconcerted, said the rest of his speech “andiwishtheverybestforeveryonetonight” as quickly as he could and left.

WHOA, Will Ferrell’s got a major fro going on, what’s that all about?

Puffy Diddy Piddy is giving the next award for Best Supporting Actress in TV show or miniseries. Come ON, Elizabeth Perkins! Emily Blunt wins for Gideon’s Daughter (she was also up for The Devil Wears Prada). It’s the only one of the shows I haven’t seen. Sigh. Her dress is a mermaid-type of thing, and she’s seriously shuffling in it, she can barely walk. While she has a lovely English accent, she has this nasally weird monotone that makes everything she says sound like that teacher on Charlie Brown, “Wha wha WHA, wha-wha WHA wha.”

The entire cast of Heroes is taking the stage. What the frak? They’re giving the award for Best Actor in a Drama. What, they couldn’t have sent out just two of them?? Anyway, come on Michael C. Hall, come on Michael C. Hall… Mohinder reads out the envelope and it’s Hugh Laurie, from House. Wow. Shocker. Sigh. I adore Hugh Laurie, but not in this show. I do love hearing “Teardrop” from Massive Attack as he walks to the stage, but it’s too bad millions of people know it as “that theme from House.” Laurie’s speech is pretty funny; my favourite part is when he says not every crew is wonderful, and somebody somewhere is working with a bunch of drunken thieves. Hahaha!

Hilary Swank is interviewed and she has a ghastly thing in her hair. And she tells exactly the same story about her mom putting quarters in a phone that she told when she got her star on the walk of fame last week.

Charlie Sheen introduces Bobby, and he’s standing in such a weird way, with beady little eyes, his pants hiked up too far… he looks like a 100-year-old man with dyed black hair. Oh, he’s forcing his big brother Emilio to stand up. “Stand up, stand up, STAND UP.”

Steve Carell is on the stage. I am so happy right now! Oh wait, no I’m not, he’s reading a teleprompter and looks like he thinks it’s not funny. It’s a new category for Best Animated Film. Come on Cars! YEAH! Ok, FINALLY an award I’m happy with. Yeesh. Took long enough. John Lassiter, king of all things animated, is getting up to accept. How could a moment with Steve Carell be so dull?

Best Actress in Comedy or Musical: Joaquin Phoenix is presenting and standing there like, “Here I am presenting this award and I wish I was anywhere else but these people gave me an award last year for playing Johnny Cash so apparently I’m completely indebted to them so please let this go quickly so I can leave.” Come on, Toni Collette! (Also nominated for 2 awards.) Nope, Meryl Streep. Should I just give up now? (Apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press loves Devil Wears Prada) Well, Meryl’s always good for a funny acceptance, so don’t disappoint! She cuddles up to Nicholson’s daughter, and apparently knows her. Meryl pulls out a list and someone groans loudly, and she tells them to shut up. Hahaha! They’ve shown Reese Witherspoon about a dozen times during the speech; is she seen as her successor? Why is Felicity Huffman sitting on her hubby’s lap? Is there a shortage of chairs? (I’m calling up my inner Principal Snyder on that one.)

Everyone’s milling about, Ben Stiller’s walking out on stage; people are all still talking. Yuck, his intro is just as bad as Carell’s. He’s introducing Borat. Sacha Baron Cohen’s dropped the mustache (he’s apparently stopped being Borat in interviews as well).

Salma Hayek. I hate her. Well, no, not really, but her character on Ugly Betty turned out to be a conniving cow this week and now I hate her. She’s presenting best miniseries. Come on Elizabeth I! Wow, two Helen Mirren shows are nominated! She must be torn… Elizabeth I stands a better chance, but Prime Suspect is what got her started… yay, Elizabeth I just won!

Rachel Weisz is on stage. Scorsese looks bored, Hanks is yammering every time they show him. She’s doing Best Supporting Actor in a Movie. Eddie Murphy looks full of himself. Wow. Surprise. The guy’s apparently a complete prick in real life. Jack Nicholson still looks demented. PLEASE win this category just so we can hear you talk!! I want to see him get to the stage. Oh wait, Mark Wahlberg is also up and he’s fantastic in The Departed. Eddie stupid Murphy won. Sigh. Start acting, Eddie: make them all think you’re likable.

Sarah Jessica Parker “Am I Cute or Am I Cute” is introducing The Devil Wears Prada.

Sienna Miller and Terrence Howard (hot) are introducing Best Supporting Actor in a miniseries. Come on Chiwotel Ej…ejio… come on Chiwotel! (Just saw Tsunami, and this guy will break your heart in it.) Bill Nighy wins for Gideon’s Daughter. Wow, I need to see this miniseries; that’s two awards for it now. I love Nighy, so this should be good. He’s funny, and gracious.

Is it just me or is this the night for the Brits? Looks like the Hollywood Foreign Press has gone a little… foreign.

Best supporting Actress in a miniseries. If Helen Mirren doesn’t win this, I’ll eat my laptop. They show Scully for Bleak House. Annette Bening is looking more like Nicholson, all glassy-eyed and giddy. Every time they show her she’s chugging her champagne, and this time she’s almost falling out of her chair. Oh man, Mirren’s nominated twice!! Okonedo is nominated for Tsunami as well; she’s all crazy in that movie, but great. Mirren won; awesome, don’t need to eat my laptop now. Does this mean she’s going to win for both Elizabeths tonight? No one could possibly beat her for her work in The Queen. Mirren is absolutely gorgeous.

Cameron Diaz, newly split from Timberlake, newly black-haired, and newly red-lipped. She looks like Snow White. As usual, she’s annoying, a terrible actress and can barely read the teleprompter. She presents The Departed. Why? Because she was in a Scorsese flick?? She’s wearing a white dress that makes her look like a toilet paper doll.
Jake Gyllenhaal and Swank come out and do best screenplay, and winner is guy who wrote The Queen. Oh COME ON, they practically play him off the stage and he’s making the most interesting comment of the night. Hate award shows.

Vanessa Williams and stupid Tim Allen come out (WHAT is with her hair?!) to give Best Actor in a Comedy. SO torn between Alec Baldwin and Steve Carell… Baldwin wins!! He goes up to the back of the stage and comes out (??) So far, not funny. Come on, get funny Baldwin. Damn… Tina Fey should have written his speech. Well… at least he’s not spouting stuff about how the Republicans should all be slaughtered in their homes along with their wives and children. He’s kind of funny talking about his daughter, and AAAGH!! The Donald’s hair is only trumped (pun intended) by his wife’s. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Geena Davis and James Woods are coming out now. Davis towers over Woods. Best Comedy TV series. Desperate Housewives. Blech. The scene they show is completely unfunny. Entourage, YEAH! The Office, OH YEAH!!! OK, the clip they show is AWESOME. This one MUST WIN. Ugly Betty, yeah! Weeds, yeah, but not as funny as the others. Still awesome though. They don’t show a scene, but a montage, which is never as funny. UGLY BETTY??!!! Oh come on, this show is awesome, but it’s not The Office!!!! Seriously, the Hollywood Foreign Press is on crack this year. I love Ugly Betty, don’t get me wrong, and it’s lovely and funny and wonderful. But The Office is so brilliant I was laughing out loud at their clip, and I’d seen that episode twice. That said, I’m really hoping America Ferrera wins for best actress. All the girls are screaming behind the guy, like SHUT UP, dude, and bring up the ladies, that’s what this show is about!!! They show J. Lo, who’s all like, “Oh yeah, holla for my Latina babes!!”

Jamie Foxx is on the stage and just said, “Yo, represent!” Ugh. He’s presenting Dreamgirls. Is it normal to have someone who’s in the movie presenting it?? It’s supposed to be presented by someone outside of the film. He just referred to a brilliant ensemble cast. Did the real presenter back out at the last minute?

Djimon Hounsou and Sharon Stone are on stage now. How much do I love Djimon?? They’re presenting Foreign Language Film. Apocalypto. Anti-Semite Mel Gibson has figured out a way to get his ass into the Foreign film category. Come on Pan’s Labyrinth! (I just saw it on the weekend and it’s GORGEOUS and brilliant. Go see it.) Wow, what a great category. Even insano Mel Gibson’s film intrigues me. Clint has won for Letters from Iwo Jima. I’m dying to see that film. Clint Eastwood is brilliant. He parodies Jennifer Hudson’s speech, haha! Ohmigod, Prince is sitting RIGHT THERE in the audience, no wonder poor Justin Timberlake thought he was there! He probably was talking to him on the red carpet.

Lovely Jeremy Irons presents The Queen. No one can beat Mirren in this role.

Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant are presenting Best Original Score. Grant explains that Prince got caught in traffic (???) and asks him to stand up (Prince, get up on a chair so we can see you!) Barrymore’s not wearing a dress that makes her boobs drop to her waist. Grant opens the envelope as Barrymore says, “And the award goes to…” and Grant says, “Oh, it’s in French so I’d better read it,” as if to say, “you stupid bimbo, don’t even attempt this one.” Guy who did The Painted Veil wins.

John Stamos and Jennifer Love Hewitt come out to do Best Actress in a Comedy. Come on America!!! YES!! The HFPA loves Ugly Betty!! And I love America Ferrera. They show Felicity Huffman saying to William H. Macy “Good for her,” in a moment of true noblesse oblige. She looks fabulous in that dress, wow. This girl is supposed to be ugly?! She’s all weepy and sweet and Salma is crying. Uh… they just took the spotlight off her or something because her face got all dark, and now it’s bright again. She’s thanking absolutely everyone and doing it all by memory. WOW! America leaves the stage, and the bimbo is standing there babbling and I’m going, “Walk on by, walk on by, don’t stop” and you can see America looking offstage and someone’s telling her to stop, so she stops by her and waits while the bimbo yammers, and then LEAVES, hahahahaha, but then she comes back and the woman says, seriously, “What do you have to say to all the people who thought you shouldn’t have this role?” and America looks stunned and completely taken aback. What I would have given for American to have hit her over the head with that award.

Tom Hanks walks out like he owns the damn room (I like Tom, but he’s considered the greatest actor of his time AND HE KNOWS IT) and since his last film was the Da Vinci Code, I think he should let that puffed-out chest sink down a little. Anyway, he’s giving the Cecile B. DeMille award to Warren Beatty. Beatty hasn’t been in a film since… Bulworth? No, I just IMDB’d it and he’s done ONE movie since Bulworth (1998). Oh well, I guess the award is for lifetime achievement, and this guy did Bonnie and Clyde (love love love love love this movie), Shampoo, Reds, Heaven Can Wait, Bugsy… Bulworth was insane, but I laughed all the way through it. They keep flashing “Tom Hanks Golden Globe Tribute to Warren Beatty” and I WISH someone would teach these people what a possessive is. Tom Hanks makes a joke about Beatty being a Romeo, and it’s HILARIOUS! (Though I’m sure Annette didn’t love it, but it’s not like it’s news to her.) Warren’s speech is long and windy, though I like the crack about how it’s not fair that every film he’s done is called his comeback and it’s not fair that Clint does 2 big movies at the same time.

Dustin Hoffman is on stage. Holy crap, he just stumbled sideways… drunk? He makes a crack about Ishtar in reference to Beatty. He’s presenting Little Miss Sunshine. My favourite movie of last year.

Steven Spielberg is presenting Best Director. Clint. Clint. Frears. The Babel guy. Scorsese. Scorsese wins. Will he get the Oscar? He gets up and talks like he always does, in that peripatetic way that sounds like a machine gun. The Departed is an excellent film, so I’m happy about this one. Poor Clint is splitting his vote on this one. They’re telling Scorsese to wrap it up. These shows suck.

Reese takes the stage looking awesome. Best Actor in a Comedy. The place erupts for Sacha Baron Cohen. This one’s Borat’s. Come on, make us laugh!! And… he does. By commenting on the genitalia of his co-star. OH my god, we are howling with laughter here. I don’t know who’s funnier, him or the co-star, who has stayed in character with his wine and strange looks. They PLAY HIM OFF. ARGH. Funniest speech EVER, and they play him off. ARGH.

Dane Cook (yeah!) is on the stage presenting Thank You For Smoking. I’m not a huge fan of this film; I found it overrated, but maybe it’s because I don’t smoke and don’t really find the humour in it, despite the satirical aspect of the movie. Who knows. I just didn’t find it funny. The clip they show from the trailer is hilarious, and contains all of the highlights of the movie for me.

J Lo takes the stage. She’s looking nice, actually; I don’t actually hate her dress or hair. Best Comedy or Musical Movie. Lopez looks like she’s going to have an aneurysm saying the subtitle of Borat. Winner is… Dreamgirls. Ugh. You know, this movie could be wonderful, but from the sounds of it, is about as original as a tv movie of the week. And Little Miss Sunshine should have had this one. Gay man gets up and accepts this one. They play him off after 20 seconds, CRIPES. The people in Dreamgirls look suitably pissed, and they SHOULD. This is Best Picture, folks, turn off the damn music!!

Dang, my PVR stopped jumping forward so now I have to sit through commercials. Sigh.

OK, CTV has just cut in and they’re announcing SOME award that seems like Best Drama (thanks, CTV; I’d tell you what I think but I think I’ve used the word “suck” too much), and it goes to Grey’s Anatomy. Over Lost and Heroes. WHATever. My husband: “I don’t want to see any more shows about f*&%!ing hospitals or lawyers.” Woman steps up to mike and guy behind her says, “You have 27 seconds, be fast!” Ugh. They pull back and you see Dominic Monaghan shaking his head. I agree, Dominic, I agree.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (looking like Teddy Roosevelt or something, Civil War pic, maybe?) doing Best Actress. Wow, I think Penelope Cruz TOTALLY has this one in the bag. Not. Just skip it and say Helen Mirren. She’s so awesome because when she wins for Elizabeth I, she talked as if she were her, and now she’s talking about Elizabeth II walking into a role and how she did, too. All that and smarts, too? I love her.

Felicity Huffman does Best Actor in a Movie, Leo…Leo…Will…Forest…Peter. How I would love to see Peter O’Toole win this… Forest takes it. I’ve heard amazing things about this film but it came and went before I could. I’ve used the word “love” too much, too, but I LOVE Forest Whitaker. Whether it’s for Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai or his phenomenal turn in The Shield, he kills whenever he’s on screen. He’s choked up and can barely talk (please don’t play him off, please don’t play him off). They don’t play him off.

Ah-nold comes out on crutches. Is he still considered an actor? I didn’t think he was an actor when he was an actor, but now he’s a Republican goon. Best Picture… Babel!!! That was a shocker. It’s the ONLY award this thing wins, and yet somehow it’s best picture? I thought The Departed had this one. Or maybe even The Queen. But Babel? This one’s gotten mixed reviews. Alessandro tells Ahnold that he has his papers in order, he swears. HAHAHAHA! Good for him, he’s had a great career so far, and… they’re playing him off. Sigh. Ahnold just said, “Next year, we’ll be back.” Ha. Ha.

Overall, I usually enjoy the Golden Globes because they take chances that the Emmys and the Oscars don’t. But this time they seemed to go for the obvious (if it was British, it will win) and while in many cases that’s awesome for me, I guess I’m ticked that genre TV is completely shut out, despite getting nods this year, and Ugly Betty over The Office? That’s such a mainstream choice. Oh well… better luck next year.


Baba Taro said...

This is a wonderful commentary! Thank you!

Nikki Stafford said...

Thank you!! It's a little rambly, and I decided not to edit it afterwards... which probably wasn't the best decision... ;)