Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dharma Wants Me!

The official dossiers went out to everyone who participated in the online ARG (it wasn't nearly as intense of thought-provoking as previous ARGs, but it was still fun). When the 7th and final test went up -- the one that would determine if you were a White Swan or Black Swan -- I didn't do the test right away, and went back a few days later to discover the test had been taken down. I was SO upset, thinking I wouldn't rank now, but sure enough, they must have determined from my answers that I was a White Swan (i.e. I didn't cheat by using the answers that were floating around) and I got a pretty cool job with the Dharma Initiative.

You're looking at (drum roll please) a Dharma cinematographer!!

(Thanks to Crissy for grabbing that image for me!) WOOHOO! All those scratchy, spliced orientation films with the weird 60s music that makes you feel like you're in primary school again and the teacher has spooled the film in the wrong way so all the pictures are backwards and you're desperately trying not to fall asleep? GONE. I will revolutionize the Dharma videos! I will fill them with Easter eggs and grandiose stories and...

What's that? Something's happened to the recruiters? Sigh. Always the way. This note came with my dossier:


I am pleased to announce that registered recruits can now log in and download your personalized Volunteer Assessment Dossier outlining your full test results as well as your position within the Dharma Initiative.

I want to personally congratulate you on behalf of everyone at the Dharma Initiative for your hard work and diligence during our testing process.

We hope that you are happy with your results. We certainly are. The tests were extremely challenging and the aptitude and excellence displayed far exceeded our expectations.

Now that you are in possession of your results I am sure you are asking the obvious question: what's next?

Our plan was that together we would commence a glorious adventure: the revival of the Dharma Initiative using the myriad talents of all our amazing new recruits. We imagined not just fulfilling long abandoned goals but taking the Dharma Initiative to a new level of greatness as an organization promoting the peaceful social and technological advancement of all humankind.

Then the financial crisis struck.

Sadly, our benefactors were not immune to this crisis. In fact, unconfirmed reports suggest that much of the money designated for the work of the new Dharma Initiative was tied up in highly leveraged mortgage derivatives. This, however, cannot be confirmed because, I am sorry to report, the principals representing the benefactors - my employers - have gone missing. Based on bills still coming into our office we believe they are somewhere in South America.

This stunning reversal of fortune has forced us to abandon our ambitious plans. In fact, absent this funding, the Dharma Initiative was forced to make the only sensible decision we had available: we sold the Dharma Initiative to the television show LOST.

While this might strike some of you as a shock, the reason for this was not simply that they were the only bidder. As the only remaining Dharma Initiative employee who had not fled the country, I felt that at the very least the show would be able to keep the spirit of the Dharma Initiative alive and in the public consciousness until such time as a reversal of the reversal of our economic fortunes occurs.

It is with a heavy heart that I must bid you farewell. Despite my fervent commitment to the mission of the Dharma Initiative, the realities of a broken marriage, heavy casino debt and some unfounded police charges have required that I change my present circumstances. It is with great excitement that I can inform you of my pending senior sales management job at a large multi-brand auto dealership in Dubai. I have enjoyed our brief association more than I can ever express, and if you are ever in the Middle East and need a car, please e-mail me for a special "Dharma rate".

In the meantime, you will hear shortly from LOST showrunners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. They will explain to you their future plans for the Dharma Initiative and how these plans might affect you.

Thank you again, personally, for your unflagging commitment and support. I hope our paths will one day cross again. In the meantime may the spirit of the island guide you.


Hans Van Eeghen
Head of Recruiting
The Dharma Initiative

Ah well... at least it's in good hands! Wait, does this mean I'll be the cinematographer on episodes of Lost?! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

And now for the fun part. I always see people afterwards saying they looked at the source code and found little things and I'm NEVER one of those people, so this time I clicked to read it on the site, checked the source code, et voila!! I found a hidden email address right at the top! IT was DSaqanda@gmail.com. I rushed into my email, sent off a quick note to that address, and got this automated response:

Dharma Special Access with Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse.

Got a question for the creators of LOST? Submit your question along with your name and hometown, and if selected, Damon and Carlton will answer it in a DSA announcement… that is, if you haven't been a bad Black Swan.

Whee! So get your questions in, folks! I'm assuming you just send it back to the same address. (And please stay away from the obvious question asking about the ending. You know they won't answer that one and will just roll their eyes. Besides, that was MY question.) ;)

Post below and tell me what your job will be! We can start planning the office parties.


Adi said...

Looks like I'll be filming with you. I got the same job as well :-)

Lisa-Maladylis said...

Brick Layer here. Humm I think I'll go to Dubai and get a car, while I'm at it, I'm going to kick Hans in the shins. I hope there is more to this ARG than this being the ending !!

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm....I am a gardener. Interesting, since I've killed every plant I've ever owned. I guess they see something in me!

Nikki Stafford said...

So... so far Lisa is building the brick walls around the garden so Michele can take care of the plants in it, while Adi and I are filming it. :)

Who else?

Chuck Power said...

I'm a Proof Reader!


If you need me I'll be in my cubicle spell-checking Swan Station observation logs.

Jazzygirl said...

I'm a Cook. LOL Hope you guys like Italian! I haven't been able to go onto the site in a LONG time. I get the emails but don't have time to "play" with it since the school year started. I am not sure what kind of swam I am.

Crissy Calhoun said...

i'm a cook too!

Anonymous said...

I had three accounts, and my two Black Swan accounts resulted in Proof Reader and Research Assistant, but my White Swan one came back psychologist. So I can research your movie, proof read the script, then analyse you while you make it.

Justin Drummond said...

I was assigned a research assistant position. At the bottom of the second page it recommended my department to be the Human Interaction Analysis Program...does that mean I'd in the Pearl Station?

Jo said...

I am a Dharma carpenter, which is ironic given that I am far from handy. Perhaps I am to finish Eko's church?

Gerald Orr said...

I'm a gardener.I am a White Swan also (no cheat codes for me).I look forward to working outside all day long on the island and am ready to contribute 100% to Dharma.

Katy Boose said...

On one account I am a brick layer. The other account is a proof reader. So glad to know my schooling will be put to good use as I edit.

Steve Brightbill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doe said...

I'm a Radio Operator - recommended for the Communications Division. I like it - as long as I don't have to keep repeating the numbers. LOL

Anonymous said...

hi! I'm Oz, from argentina... When this ARG i took the first test, but then my internet connection went bad, and i couldn't keep track of it... so when i heard there were jobs for EVERYONE I decided to check, only to find out i'm now officialy a Dharma Initiative... COOK!
The worst part is I really dont know how to cook so you all will have to it my lousy food...

Anonymous said...

White Swan teacher here! :)

Paticus said...

Dharma carpenter here

Anonymous said...

I'm a radio operator!
And the last test, Nikki, wasn't actually a test, it just assessed everything you had done before, and you were a white swan if you didnt use cheat codes, and a black swan if you did.