Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Lost Haiku: The Candidate

So, I have some interesting news for y'all! (Thanks to Josh for pointing me in the direction of it.) Jimmy Kimmel tweeted the other day that the post-Lost finale show is completely sold out, BUT they have three pairs of tickets to whomever can come up with the best Lost-themed haiku!!!! Um, first of all... copying us much? And second of all... isn't that hella awesome??!! As Josh said, Nik at Niters have WAY more experience and practice in the way of Lost-themed haiku, and I think you should all enter and enter vigorously. Other than tweeting about it, the contest is not yet up on ABC.com, so you'll just have to wait (Jimmy offered it through Twitter, and then immediately followed up saying the suits at ABC were now putting together strict rules and regulations for the contest and to stay tuned). So keep your eyes peeled for that going up... I'm assuming it's only open to people in the US, but fingers crossed that everyone can enter!!

And now without further ado, my own lame haikus here as placeholders for the vastly superior ones you guys will offer up!!

I don’t remember
A thing that happened before
The sub just went boom.

And...Lapidus? No... NO NO!!
SUN AND JIN?! Sobbing...

Sob, sniffle sniffle.
I’m OK. Is Hurley crying???
SOB... cry weep tears mess.

I’d rather Ji Yeon
Be raised by Ben or Widmore
Than be raised by Paik.


Joan Crawford said...

Sun and Jin went for
a dip in the water. Oops!
Forgot their daughter.

Joan Crawford said...

Sayid - off running.
Heard I was at the far end.
"Joan, finally!" BOOM! Dammit.

humanebean said...

Widmore has a great plan:
assemble a crack team of
red shirts and meat socks

load up a sub with
lab equipment and pylons,
kidnap The Package,

locate the Island,
set up a perimeter,
fire up the power,

spy on Smokey's camp,
snatch and grab Jin so you can
show him some photos

use the EMP
to zap Desmond into the
alternate timeline

blow up a bunch of
Smokey's meat socks and red shirts
(they had it comin')

capture Sawyer's group,
secure them in the cages
(for their own good, natch)

booby trap the plane,
guard it with the poorly trained,
(build some shaky stairs)

Finally - prepare
for the ultimate showdown,
except for one thing;

completely forget to
protect the generator
that runs the pylons.

Sayid kills the power,
Smokey kills red shirts and meat socks,
(except Zoe- damn!)

Jack rescues his friends,
Smokey steals the explosives
and heads for the sub ...

...which is unguarded
so it can be easily stolen by
Sawyer and his gang

Smokey helps Jack, Claire
kill MORE meat socks and red shirts
then blows up the sub.

So ... all that planning
and now you've got nuthin', Chuck!
That’s an EPIC FAIL.

How exactly did
you become a Captain of
Industry, again?

humanebean said...

"Good news, Mister Locke;
we repaired your dural sac.
Bad news: you're still bald.

No, seriously,
things went well. Have to ask, though -
are you a smoker?"

Nikki Stafford said...

Even if Jack were a
DENTIST, he'd manage to cut
the damn dural sac.

Nikki Stafford said...

Humanebean, that Widmore stretch was freakin' EPIC. Applause!!!!

humanebean said...

Meanwhile, at the cages
there's a gun to Kate's head. No,
it's not a flashback

"Look, doughboy - sorry
I took your gun. But, I loved
you in Ghostbusters."

humanebean said...

You are too kind, Nik!
We are all inspired by
your example, here.

humanebean said...

@Joan - bwhahahahaha! *phew* You rock, sistah.

Joan Crawford said...


Should read

"Joan, finally!" Boom! Damn.

Got too excited
added six syllables, not
the required five.

Joan Crawford said...


Son of a bitch! Damn
you rules! The poem needs to have
"Damn" at the end. Damn.

Can you count to five,
Joan? No, I am not able.
Proved it at least twice.

humanebean said...

I keep waiting for
Paul Giamatti to show
up in Sideways time

Especially since
Jacob's analogy of
'Island as a cork'

Can you imagine
Flocke sipping a nice merlot?
... maybe it's just me.

humanebean said...

Bernie the Dentist,
can't share Locke's files - but can quote
them from memory?

humanebean said...

Together in love
torn apart by strife and time
reunited now

Jin and Sun are one
the waters rise around them
they will never part

Hearts want what they want
knowing what they leave behind
together in love

Late to the Party said...

I was going to
Write about Sun and Jim but
Humanebean out-shone me.

Frank didn't have much
To do all season, then they
Killed him. That sucks, dude.

VW: ingtfun - Ing't fun to write Lost haikus!

Fred said...

Like Hitchcock, Carlton
And Cuse should appear on screen
At a Taco Stand.

For Joan:

If you break the rule,
A blonde haired boy will appear
And tell you, "Just 5."

humanebean said...

@Fred, you mean you
didn't see them in line at
Mister Cluck's before?

Rainier said...

Sayid grabs the bomb
And sacrifices himself
To save his friends' lives

"There is no Sayid!!!"
Hell of an epitaph, Jack
But time's running short

The writers are cruel -
Sayid just saw the light, and
they killed him a lot

Then Sun and Jin die
right after they find each other
this is so, so sad

There is not enough time
For even one final night
in each other's arms

Hand in hand they go
As the sub slowly sinks down
a long fade to black

humanebean said...

Claire: "Sheesh! First you guys
leave me then come back then leave

humanebean said...

Locke: "Trust me, Claire - you
don't want to be on that boat."
Claire: "Don't touch the hair."

Janet Noe Rhoads said...

New to this blog, yo.
humanebean is a good friend
LOST haiku, what fun!

Frank, you sexy beast
No way! The writers couldn't!
No one dies by door.

Shrug for Jin and Sun
Baby might be better off
Float away lovebirds.

Last thing Sawyer needs
is yet more reason for angst
hope shirt comes off soon.

Sayid sprints with bomb
Go boom and make Nadia proud
Smokey lost control.

Des, hang tight brother
at least there's water to drink
unless well is dry?

Hurley don't cry please
I love you best,hurts my heart
lost your friends again.

I have a toddler.
He doesn't care about LOST, see.
Mommy go play now.

TM Lawrence said...

Re-posting now that a proper home exists:

Juliet brought forth
a field mouse from male mouse,
well not quite, stillborn.

Through Rachel's chemo
ravaged womb she did succeed
to birth a nephew.

Against Island odds
and breech lie Amy gave birth
to craze-eyed killer.

David, some suspect
more direct from Juliet
arose through Jack's seed.

Juliet's greatest
birthing miracle? LA
X reality.

vw: parru - I hit a good golf game, and yourself?

TM Lawrence said...

Afraid? Count to five.
Time out or life lesson learned?
We may never know.

vw: rever -- transitional state between a badass martial-artist ballerina and a self-mutilating space boogieman.

Blam said...

Sayid's last words: "I
cannot live knowing Joan would
rawther poke Blam's cheek!"

VW: sotedne — checking with Ted about which direction you plan to travel...

Blam said...

Thanks for another
epic haiku, Humanebean!
You rock the meter.

You too, Rainier! (So
is it ray-neer or ren-yay?
Inquiring minds...)

Humanebean scores 'gain
with a lovely ode to the
two who are now Kwon.

VW: hugenias — Really, really big gardenias.

Blam said...

Alternate title
for the episode: "There Goes
the Sun!" No? Too soon?

"Of All the Joints, Jin..."
"Another Kwon Bites the Dust"
"What About Ji Yeon?"

And one that includes
Sayid: "We All Died in a
Shallow Submarine"

Fred said...

What was needed was
A dam, not a curse or damn
To halt the deluge.

VW: soniter: a poet who writes about detecting submarines.

Rebecca T. said...

@Blam: We All Died in a
Shallow Submarine"

"At least you didn't
have to paddle." Zombayid
made a small funny :)

"Why should I trust you?"
"Because I could kill you now."
"Good reason. Let's go."

Austin Gorton said...

Pithy one-liners
are no match for flying doors.
Rest in peace, Chesty.

It's okay to stand
Locke, Cooper deserved it.
Trust us on this one.

This one's for Blam:

From under Claire's skirt
did Aaron prematurely
see his Uncle Jack.

@Nikki: this one

Even if Jack were a
DENTIST, he'd manage to cut
the damn dural sac.

cracked me right up. Bravo!

humanebean said...

Wilkomen, Janet!
'bout time you checked in here at
Nik at Nite Hotel

As ever, Blam enters
and steals the show with the great
'Submarine' haiku

And T.M. Lawrence
raises the bar with his tone
and his eloquence

Do we know for sure
that "The Candidate" bade him
R.I.P, Chesty?

God I love Tuesday,
What would I do if there weren't
these haikus to read?

JS said...


JS said...


JS said...


Nikki Stafford said...

JS: My, you are very punctual tonight! ;)

Blam said...

Claire: "Don't touch the hair."
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha!

Thanks for the kind words
everyone; you inspir' me.
One more, and then food:

"Hip, hip, Jarrah!" "Wait,
You're happy Sayid's dead?" "No,
I just found his hips."

Blam said...

PS: The ideas
behind The Napkin are now
etched upon my blog.

VW: entista — A sassy ear, nose, and throat doc.

Batcabbage said...

Mister Locke, I’m Jack
Sheppard. I fixed you. Don’t thank
Me, it’s what I do.

Mister Locke, I think
You’re a CANDIDATE. Looks at
Eh? Ya like that?

No thanks, Doc. No, I
Won’t say why. Not this early.
It’s called ‘pacing’, Jack.

At least you didn’t
Have to paddle. What? Zombies
Can’t make a funny?!

I’m Doctor Nadler.
My expression says that I
Know something you don’t.

You were flirting with
My wife Rose. I was in the
Bathroom. Airline food.

There was a mortar
Attack. You flew through the air.
It was quite funny.

Your friends got captured.
I’m going to smoke them out.
Geddit? I’M SMOKE!!! HA!!!

Sun, I’m so happy
We’re back together. But why
Do we speak English?

The producers can’t
Afford sub-titles. There’s some
Bad CGI soon.

“Jack, what are you doing here?”
“Oh, you know. Jogging.”

“Stop right there, Smokey!”
“No. I’m bullet proof, and I
Wanna break your necks.”

So you want me to
Push Locke in the water at
The sub? Why, Sawyer?

Because he’s like the
ETs in ‘Signs’. Man, that sucked.
What a twist, my ass!

You got conned, Sawyer!
Locke got us all in the sub
So we can explode!

Don’t pull the wires!
That bomb won’t go off. Man of
Faith right here, buddy.

Sorry, Doc, I don’t
Trust you! YOINK! Oh. That’s not good.
Um… son of a bitch?

Jack, you save Desmond.
He’s down a well. Now, if you’ll
Excuse me, I – BOOM!

Damn. That hatch looks like
It’s about to blow. Time for
One more witty – CLANG!

Jin, I’m stuck! No, don’t
Try to save me, we have a
Daughter, remember?

Well, I haven’t met
Her, so I ain’t leavin’. I
Said I’d never – DROWN!

Thank you, Hurley, for
One of the best natural
reactions, ever.

Batcabbage said...

Wow. Everyone has
outdone themselves today. Joan
even rhymed one! Yay!

Humanebean, you are
Funniness personified.
Truly epic win!

Blam, Sayid's last words
Were just great. Cheek fingering
Is all the rage now.

JS said...

Sorry to be weird. I was trying to get comments on email. Watch for more weirdness later. I'm not spoiling myself this time.

TM Lawrence said...

"It's a good thing that
we live on in our children."
Jin said to wet Sun.

"Or in LA X,"
she replied, but Jin's ears heard
only "glub lub yub."

Lovers forever
etched in atomic shadow;
that I could swallow...

But what sadistic
bastard decided to show
the hands drift apart?

There is a special
place in hell reserved for him:
The Isle of Lost,

where he can resolve
his anti-romantic bent;
in room 23.

vw: guity -- what you feel after hooking up with your over.

TM Lawrence said...

Humanebean gives props
where none are due (in my case),
humbled in HIS glow.

vw: minetted -- Shows up for a really quick booty call.

Joan Crawford said...

@JS - Sorry to be weird.

Oh, honey, no need to apologize; we love it (ya creep) :D

@Late to the Party - I love you for calling him Jim. Love it :)

@Batcabbage - Cheek fingering
Is all the rage now.

Hehehe! It sounds so salacious put like that!

The trick now is to get Blam to sit not only on my side of the table but next to me as well. I wonder if the man enjoys a tipple?

Poor Sayid, he did
not realize that I've two hands.
Plenty to go 'round.

Unknown said...

You guys are all great
I am laughing way too hard
Got to go to bed

Fred said...

Don't you know T. L.
Jin and Sun were meant to be,
But drifted apart.

Rainier said...

Hey, TM Lawrence!
I love your hell's ninth circle
where Lost writers go

over and over
to see those hands drift apart
'til they cry "mercy!"

But there shall be none -
they never showed us any!
the room lies ready

Forever awaits
eternity's a long time
to review their sins...

images burned deep
into mind, and heart, and soul
perhaps they'll repent

VW: dalionse - the large African cats, in Canada ( da lions, e?)

Blam said...

"Sideways time"! "Claire's skirt"!
HB, Teebore, you guys rock.
Rest o' you do too.

TM, beautiful,
as I said last week; BC,
funny, funny stuff.

Nikki, Rebecca,
I wish I could requote all
of you in haiku.

"Jin and Sun were meant
to be, But drifted apart."
Fred, you win the night.

matsomat — All-night,
coin-operated hangout
for unleavened bread.

Blam said...

"The trick now is to
get Blam to sit not only
on my side of the

table but next to
me as well." Fat chance, honey.

"I wonder if the
man enjoys a tipple?" Heck
yeah I... oh, tipple...

spectacular1 said...

Jin's shirt on the floor
Is he really gone...Oh No
Sight remains in head

Knowing what comes next
Polar bear drinking red wine
Jin's shirt has been lost

Kidnapped on Island
Someone removed Jin's shirt
Not lost more gained

I see the future
Me at Jimmy Kimmel Show
Hanging on Jin's shirt

Black and white marbles
Smoke monsters cloud Sawyer's eyes
When clear there stands Jin

Joan Crawford said...

@Retinal Blam (for security purposes only)

Our definitions
of preservation aren't the
same. My recipe:

You, boiling water
mix well and put in a jar.
Now I consume you!