Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Nik @ Nite Lost Characters Making Sandwiches

After I posted the list the other day of Lost characters making sandwiches, a few people suggested we should do our own. So I say we do just that! First, Brooke posted ones that her husband and friend came up with:

Sayid:
1. Go to Georgia and torture peanut farmer into providing peanut butter.
2. Kill peanut farmer.
3. Go to a fruit field, the dirtier the better, and torture fruit farmer into providing fresh fruit jelly.
4. Kill fruit farmer.
5. Steal a loaf of bread from a defenseless kid.
6. Kill the kid.
7. Determine you’re not worthy of a sandwich. Out of guilt, help everyone else make their sandwiches.

Jacob:
1. Contemplate your life on a mystical island, realize that you would be much happier with a sandwich
2. Create the perfect sandwich recipe in hieroglyphics on woven papyrus
3. Execute 5000 year master plan using time travel, electromagnetic energy, Egyptian mysticism, cultish worship, and a judgmental smoke monster to arrange the necessary preconditions that would bring together hundreds of different people in an epic struggle of free will versus destiny as it relates to morality and the duality of man so that, in the end, someone will bring you a damn sandwich
4. Mess up and die in a fire


AliBags then posted this short one for Michael:
Shout very loudly for a PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SAAAAANDWICH! over and over again.


LOLZ!! So let's come up with some of our own! Here's my attempt for Jack:

1. Get two pieces of bread.
2. Pull the butter out of the fridge.
3. Start spreading the butter, only to realize it's still hard and it just ripped the guts of the bread apart.
4. Madly try to repair it, only making it worse, ignoring Kate, who is saying just start over again and put the damn butter in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it.
5. Close your eyes and count to five.
6. Open them, and calmly turn to Kate, look deep in her eyes, and tell her to trust you.
7. Continue to mangle one piece of bread while Kate mangles the other one, because she trusts you're right.
8. Eventually realize it's just not going very well, and that you and Kate will never be able to make this sandwich work.
9. Stand over the garbage, holding the two pieces of bread aloft. Look at Kate, who, with tears in her eyes, nods at you. Drop the pieces of bread, and...
LOST

34 comments:

Paticus said...

If I could add to AliBags'- A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SAAAANDWICH! FOR MY SON!!! MY SON!!

JW said...

3. Start spreading the butter, only to realize it's still hard and it just ripped the guts of the bread apart.

Jack is taking a page out of my book! I always do that.

(My verifcation word is enessups, which is spussene, the evil sister of Sputnik, backwards.)

Scott said...

For Rousseau:

1) Return from grocery store in pouring rain.
2) Pull bread out of bag but discover first piece is moldy. Dig deeper and find most of bread is moldy.
3) Throw out moldy bread in a panic.
4) Discover end piece is okay: that's okay, you love end piece.
5) Take nap first to steady your nerves.
6) Man next door steals "end piece".
7) Spend next 16 years setting traps using peanut butter and jelly.

SonshineMusic said...

Mr. Eko:

1. Crush the peanuts between your fingers into a rough appearance of peanut butter and put on one slice of bread.

2. Smash the grapes by hand and put them on a second slice of bread and put the two slices together.

3. Pray over the sandwich.

4. Crave scripture verses into the top of the sandwich.

5. When someone criticizes the sandwich reply, "I did the best with what I was given."

SonshineMusic said...

AH! I forgot step 6 for Mr. Eko...

6. Eat the sandwich, discover you're allergic to peanuts and die of an allergic reaction.

Joan Crawford said...

@Scott - Aw, this is great - sad ad great. I like it.

@Sonshine - This is awesome! "I did the best with what I was given." Haha!

Joan Crawford said...

*sad AND great

Scott said...

@ Joan - Rewatching Rousseau's arc from season one to five has really brought home the tragedy of her life. If anyone deserves a nuclear reboot it's her!

SonshineMusic said...

Sorry - 4. should read "carve" not "crave". My fingers moved faster than my brain :P

verification: WifeCA - the newest reality show about married couples in California

Teebore said...

For Kate:

1. Place bread, peanut butter and jelly on counter.

2. Spread peanut butter on one piece of bread.

3. Spread jelly on the other piece of bread.

4. Place the two pieces of bread together so that PB and jelly are touching.

5. Run away from sandwich.

(Too easy?)

JS said...

Here's the entire list

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout “HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?”
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering “I don’t need no sandwich”
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one’s looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone’s knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich “brother”
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else’s sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you’ll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it’s a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other shit, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts

Erin said...

JS:
Laughed out loud when you said that Desmond calls the sandwich "brother".

I think Hurley should fling his sandwich at Ben when Ben suddenly appears in his kitchen. And probably splat jam all over him.

Duke said...

For Daniel Faraday

1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Flash of white light. Left with a pile of peanuts, strawberries and flour.

2. Make a tuna fish sandwich. Flash of white light. Left with a rancid sandwich.

3. Make a turkey sandwich. Flash of white light. Eloise grabs the sandwich and eats it.

4. Make a ham and cheese sandwich. Flash of white light. Eat the sandwich.

HAM IS YOUR CONSTANT!

Scott said...

Alternatively, I think Hurley would definitely share the sandwich with whoever he's with.

(Verification word: "whocket" - most definitely what Hurley did with that pizza pocket.)

Adam said...

What, Bacon is not the constant? That sounds wrong...

SANDWICH MAKING FOR NIKKI & PAOLO

1) Seduce a wealthy film producer.
2) Have your boyfriend poison the producer's sandwich.
3) Steal the film producer's diamonds.
4) Lose the diamonds in an airplane crash.
5) Lose faith in your partner in crime, and refuse to eat the sandwiches they keep making for you.
6) Become a sandwich for a poisonous Medusa spider.

Nikki Stafford said...

LOL!! You guys are hilarious. Here's another Nikki & Paulo one:

1. Gripe about how everyone is using the peanut butter and jelly and never asks you if you want one.
2. Take the bread and when someone asks if you if that's your bread, tell them it didn't have their name on it.
3. Notice that other people are also making sandwiches and insinuate yourself into the sandwich-making process.
4. Roll your eyes as Sawyer asks who the hell you are as you grab the peanut butter jar.
5. Excuse yourself to go use the washroom (that peanut butter just goes right through you).
6. Continue to make sandwiches, bickering at each other the whole time in freakin' annoying whiny voices.
7. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!

Ambivalentman said...

Kate's sandwich:

1. Find all the ingredients from the cupboards, then blow them up once you realize they weren't the brands you wanted.

2. Run away.

3. While on the run, keep going back to apologize for blowing up the ingredients and offer to make another sandwich. Get rebuked.

4. Run away.

5. Find someone else's sandwich and take off with it.

6. Out of guilt, try to find a way to bring the sandwich back to its rightful owner.

7. Run away. This is a fairly complicated recipe, so do not make without a writer.

Gillian Whitfield said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gillian Whitfield said...

Michael's Sandwich

Make sandwich with wife, before it is taken from you.

Get (mouldy) sandwich back 10 years later, only to crash on a mysterious island.

Have the sandwich taken away from you.

Alienate friends by taking a knife and going off to hunt for the sandwich.

Come back empty-handed, to find that the survivors have captured a loaf of bread.

Shoots a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jam.

Frees the bread.

Gets the 10-year old sandwich back.

Redeems himself, by saving everyone on the island from the men who came on the boat, who use poison in their peanut butter sandwiches.

Gillian Whitfield said...

How could I forget this?

Scream SANDWICH! THAT IS MY RIGHT. THAT IS A HUNGRY MAN'S RIGHT! while searching for the 10 year old sandwich.

Joan Crawford said...

THAT IS A HUNGRY MAN'S RIGHT!


Aaaahahahahahahaaha! Funny stuff, lady!

I am using this as much I can possibly manage from here on out.

Matt_theyellowdart_Knutson said...

Sorry to make a non-sandwich comment, but something just occurred to me. If we, like Brooke, are to assume that Jacob wills things into being on the island (think the Black Rock, the plane, and all the main characters), then wouldn't that sound a lot like Walt? Ben has commented on how special Walt is - it's possible that he could be some sort of new Jacob. Just thought I should say that.

Marebabe said...

Wow! Look what I missed by having a busy day. Funny and brilliant stuff, people. :)

Marebabe said...

Carmen Reyes’ sandwich:
1. Slice a home-made roll in half and place on a gold-plated salad plate.
2. Pile it high and deep with lasagna, fried chicken, and extra mayo.
3. Garnish top with 4 olives stuck with fancy toothpicks and a bamboo umbrella.
4. Garnish plate with sprigs of parsley, kale, lemon and orange slices, radishes carved like roses, and carrot curls.
5. Serve it to someone you love.
6. Insist on maintaining good eye contact until your loved one has finished every bite.

Joan Crawford said...

"Insist on maintaining good eye contact until your loved one has finished every bite."

I LOVE THIS.

Marebabe said...

Thanks, Joan. I'm feeling a lot less feeble now. When I'm hangin' with you people here, I feel that I'm in the presence of comic GREATNESS. It's like, "I'm not worthy!"

Verification word: virimici - something Italian.

Ali Bags said...

Eloise Hawking

1. Mix some bread dough
2. Throw the finished sandwich in the bin
3. Take bread away and lovingly kneed it for many years
4. Bake bread and watch over it to make sure it is perfectly risen
5. Slice bread with great care
6. Spread bread with organic peanut butter taking care not to contaminate it with any other form of spread
7. Wrap sandwich in foil
8. Watch sandwich magically disappear
9. Be at a loss what to do next.

SonshineMusic said...

Hurley's should be:

1. Make 4 sandwiches. Give to other castaways.

2. Make 8 sandwiches. Give to Libby.

3. Make 15 sandwiches. Give to Charlie.

4. Make 16 sandwiches. Give to family.

5. Make 23 sandwiches. Give to Dharminians.

6. Make 42 sandwiches. Give to ?

crazyinlost said...

Desmond:

1.Pull the peanut butter, jelly and bread from the pantry.
2.Make sandwich.
3.Don't eat sandwich yet. Wash dishes and clean up first.
4.Take sandwich to Charlie and say,"I made this sandwich for you brotha, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're gonna die, Charlie!"

humanebean said...

For Smokey:

1) Take one portion fresh airline pilot and store in tree for later use.

2) Combine with aged carcass of French scientist.

3) Season with unrepentant drug-lord/cleric.

4) Rest quietly beneath temple until summoned to dinner.

5) Rampage through jungle to work up appetite. Gorge. Nap.

SonshineMusic said...

@Humanebean: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


Charlie:

1. Make the perfect sandwich with your brother.

2. Watch your brother become addicted to peanut butter and decide to stop eating sandwiches.

3. Start making sandwiches again in an attempt to reach out to your brother.

4. Have your brother sell your sandwich in order to start a new life with a different sandwich maker.

5. Vainly attempt to recreate the conditions that led to that first perfect sandwich.

6. Finally come to the realization that, although you can never make the same sandwich again, you can make different ones that can be just as good, if not better than the first one.

7. Realize that in order for Claire and Aaron to have a chance to make sandwiches you have to sacrifice yourself.


I've tried to do this one like 10 times and it just never comes out quite right. Anyone have suggestions to improve upon it?

Sam said...

Laughing here! Tears rolling down my face and nobody here will get it. It's a damn tragedy. Thanks for the mirth!

ODM said...

A sincere thanks to everyone! This thread is the absolute funniest, most hysterical thing I have read concerning LOST ever. Namaste!

Dr. Pierre Chang:

1. Decide your newborn baby would really love a PB&J sandwich. Send your wife away and evacuate the island.

2. Order Dharma hippies to videotape your "PB&J Orientation Film".

3. While making sandwich, become distracted by the sudden appearance of a second, identical sandwich falling out of mid-air and landing on a rabbit.

4. Cut off your hand with the knife.

5. Be grateful for the sudden appearance of a very familiar looking Asian man who saves you from bleeding to death while he berates you for not making PB&J sandwiches for him as a baby. Who is he talking to?

Ali Bags said...

Nice one ODM :-)