Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Lost Haiku: Everybody Loves Hugo

It's that time again... Lost haiku!

Philanthropist and
friend to all, he’s the dude who
everybody loves.

“Girls LOVE my Ugo.
I love you, son. Now you jus’
Go find a date!” SMACK.

You have to admit:
That dinosaur trophy was
pretty freakin’ cool.

“I’ve been trained. Badly.
I keep getting burned. Maybe
I’m not care-” KA-BLAM!!

Black Rock is destroyed.
Richard goes all wild-eyes and
runs like Kermit. Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!

In his spare time, Ben
poses as young girls online,
catching predators.

Oh my GOD, Desmond,
Did you just mow down John Locke?!
Um... I still love you.

Oh my GOD, Smokey,
Did you throw Des down a well?!
I do NOT love you.

46 comments:

JS said...

I was slightly confused on the Ben one, until I read the last line.

True love means forgiving the mowing down of a man in a wheel chair.

JS said...

Hugo needs a date
because, in the sideways world,
Rich men are lonely

JS said...

E-lec-tro-mag-nets
Let me see the fu-tuhr and
the past, and the Alt

Aye, I know of the
realities and I love
Nikki in them all

I have been training
He's like a father to me
But I guess we're done

Actually the
Island is done with you Il,
guess you've been redeemed

Blam said...


"You're Rosalita?
Dude, you're way way way hotter
than I thought you'd be."

VW: reepli — To answer phonetically.

Tanyam said...

"Runs like Kermit" = HAHAHAHAHA!

I used to "dance like Bert" to make my sister laugh.

Joan Crawford said...

Empty Sayid just
needs his hair pushed back inplace.
Throwing him all off.

Hurley's cripplingly
low self-esteem lets pretty
nut-jobs course correct.


*I will gladly do any and all physical and/or hair therapy on him until the situation corrects itself.

humanebean said...

"Rosalita" and
"Spanish Johnny": The Boss rules!
What, no "She's The One"?

LOST needs more Bruce tunes:
the Island is "Jungleland",
Kate gets "Born To Run"

"Leap of Faith" for Jack
Locke was "Blinded By The Light"
Hurley - "Hungry Heart"

Walt was "Growin' Up"
Sawyer knows the "Badlands" well
Rose/Bernard - "Two Hearts"

Smokey gets a trio:
"Brilliant Disguise", "I'm On Fire",
"Spirit In The Night"

One last one from Bruce:
in the end, the Island's the
"Land Of Hope And Dreams"

Ambivalentman said...

Hurley is the one
Character I want to see
Have a happy end.

It must be hard
Being a gangster these days--
Hurley knows for sho'.

Bruce Springsteen wants to
Collect royalties from that
Mexican restaurant.

Ilana, it was
Nice knowing you, even if
Just for a short time.

Desmond falls down, goes--
Not like Ilana or Arzt--
Don't go crazy now!

After that great kiss
Hurley is the luckiest
Man in the whole world.

"LOST" gives new meaning
To the idea a kiss
Opens a new world.

Desmond -- why did you --
Don't you think that poor John Locke
Has suffered enough?

humanebean said...

Pierre Chang, emcee
knows how to work a dais
at least with both arms

The one quality
needed for Ugo's Ms. Right?
"Weeling to MEETJOO"

Crazy Libby ought
to visit a salon soon.
That hair needs some help

Michael has a nerve:
"you're gonna get people killed!"
Dude - seriously?

O, Ilana, we
hardly knew ye. Gotta say
though - you were a blast!

humanebean said...

Desmond - you da MAN!
Charlie's the musician, but
Locke's your Greatest Hit

TM Lawrence said...

Do Scotts in wells last
Longer than Scotch in Wales does?
Has the Scotch been Locked?

humanebean said...

You mean The Black Rock
survived a tsunami and
crashed on a statue,

lasted all those years
in a tropical jungle,
had various groups

use the place as a
lending library for their
own explosive needs,

has Smokey stomping
all around it constantly,
folks firing rifles

all over the place-
but finally gets destroyed
by a Hurley? Damn.

Batcabbage said...

@humanebean:

Best. Haikus. EVER.

VW: really - yep, really.

TM Lawrence said...

When coffee counter
Blonde strangers give sailing ships,
Please read the fine print.

Gift horses hide greeks,
Lotus-eaters obfuscate
Amnestic buttons.

Penelope means
Wife, Hume's Home, heart, hearth, and son:
Get out of the well!

TM Lawrence said...

FLocke dude: you missed some.
Thought I'd bring you those you missed
As lambs to slaughter.

Meanwhile (to himself):
A Pocket full of ashes,
Wonder how that works?

Thanks for the shoes, Jack.
Passing from old to new corpse
Is hard without help.

What's that Sun, your voice?
Blame the tree trauma, not me.
(Korean cussing...)

Captain Frank, thank you,
Like manna from heaven sent
So many old friends.

TM Lawrence said...

@HumaneBean:

Your Black Rock Haiku
Takes the prize: when the island
Is done with you, POW!

Blam said...


humanebean: LOST needs more Bruce tunes

So does the Frozen
Donkey Wheel provide a Tenth
Avenue Freeze-Out?

Who here is waiting
for Jacob to come on up
for the Rising, hmm?

And now one for the
viewers: 'Til the end we're just
dancin' in the dark.

Blam said...


"Libby seems nuts — but
I'm not the best judge, being
an evil mutant."

VW: hyporyom — Meditative chant of an ancient Greek Titan.

humanebean said...

@batcabbage & TM Lawrence - you are too kind, good sirs. I am pleased to be in such fine company.

One haiku from Blam?
Clearly he is occupied-
with WHAT we all ask?

humanebean said...

Ha! I spoke too soon
Blam bursts forth with his haikus
spontaneously!

Blam said...


Wow, HB. I can't
think of anything else to
say but: Dynamite!

VW: sworyo — Like, totally went all scatological, dawg.

humanebean said...

@Blam, your Boss tunes
are superb. Jacob needs one:
"Adam Raised A Cain"?

TM Lawrence said...

Meeting in the field
Out behind the dynamo
(the "copper donuts"),

Hugo and Michael
proved that voices made choices
to steal, cheat, and lie.

Libby said: "Baby
just one kiss will seal our fate
to prove it's all right."

humanebean said...

Joan, you saucy minx
Sayid should BE so lucky
"Snip And Tuck" by Joan

Blam said...


"Look, you're awesome, but
I totally don't know you."
Mm-wahhh! "Oh! Libby!"

Blam said...


It looks like Jacob
has died, been reborn, and dyed
again! Wah-wah-wahhh...

VW: aileange — An ailing phalange (and I think we all know how painful that can be).

Blam said...


Joan, you saucy minx
Mmm... I think it's time for lunch.
Later, everyone!

VW: Dewsquil — The sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-condense-on-the-lawn medicine.

TM Lawrence said...

@Blam:
And you know about planes and phalanges: a lack of phalanges can create mass hysteria and ground a plane.

Maybe Lost's key point:
Oceanic Airlines flew
without phalanges!

Blam said...


"Don't you know what the
Island really is? It's made
from blown-up people!"

VW: retee – Post-Mulligan action.

Blam said...


Good thing Rachel got
off that flight, TM. Phoebe's
a course-corrector!

Blam said...


I really have to
go. TM, HB, JS,
et al. — it's been fun.

VW: epersons — Folks with a Second Life.

t said...

Following Blam to
saltmines; final thought: Who is
the last recruit? Nik?

Nikki Stafford said...

t: You are indeed correct.
The last recruit is me, Nik.
But not -- NOT -- Paulo.

;)

Oh, seriously,
Who is the last recruit? Is
it possibly... Jack?

Nikki Stafford said...

Blam:
Wait, a second life??
NO NO. New rule: Nik at Nite
Is your ONLY life.

Ahem, cough, sorry
That was my Hitler complex
Shining through again.

Loretta said...

This Fall, ABC
Ben: To Catch a Predator
Best spin-off ever!

I am very uncreative and that's my only one. :)

humanebean said...

Good one, Loretta!
Never be shy on this blog
we're just spitballin'!

Loretta said...

Hee! Thank you Humanebean
I will try for another,
maybe snarkier

Zuleika R. says:
My "Rome" death was way better
Need a new agent

Fred said...

Karma is a bitch.
Locke is run down by friend Des;
Locke falls eight stories.

Tutti amano:
Santa Rosa, dynamite,
Whispers, Nunu, Jlocke.

Does being blown up
Invalidate a belief
In free will v. fate?

Michael tried to stop
An explosion with frozen
CO2, but failed.

As a ghost, Dawson
Convinces Hurley it's best
To dynamite ship.

Ilana said the
Man in Black could not change face,
And dynamite safe.

Desmond has given
Himself up to fate, which is
Why he's in Zen-bliss.

Do we believe Mike
About the whispers, or trust
They are deceptions?

Teebore said...

Thud! Ilana's bag
hits the ground. "Uh-" say the fans.
Boom! goes Ilana.

"Oh no the Black Rock!"
Cries frantic, flailing Richard,
Muppet-running off.

humanebean said...

Teebore, you crack me up!
Muppet-running may just be
my favorite verb

Verification word: "bediant" - how lovely the world looks when you awake next your loved one

humanebean said...

Hmmmm ... seems to me that
Hurley is starting to learn how
to be a leader

First, step up when a
situation demands it
Next, put forth a plan

Then, when anyone
asks you why they should listen,
say "Jacob told me so"

Unfortunately,
that's also how you become
an EX-leader, dude!

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

You all are too hysterical.

Loved them all, but I have to admit that Blam's has died, been reborn, and dyed
again! Wah-wah-wahhh...
totally slayed me.

Hmm... off to think of some myself

VW: penusell - a writing implement you must get someone to buy

VW2: lithlym - isn't that some sort of power source on the Enterprise?

Batcabbage said...

“Life long love affair
With chickens”?! Jesus, that’s weird!
Oh, ‘chicken’? Right, then.

I wish you would talk
To me, Libby. Oh look, your
Murderer. Yippee.

Hurley, who are you
Talking to? Was it my dad?
Huh? Was it? Tell me!!!

Wow, Rosalita,
You’re hot! My mom normally
Sets me up with dogs.

OK, Libby, you’re
Hot, but it seems to me that
You’re bat-shit crazy.

By the way, Doctor?
I know this sounds weird, but I
Loved you in X-Men!

Ilana, I don’t
Think you should blow up the plane.
You remember Arzt?

“Arzt? Whot the hell is
Arzt?”… BOOM! “Yep. That’s what he did..”
Brushes off shoulders.

“Jack, Sun and Hugo?
We’re waiting for them? I don’t
See that happening.”

“Shut the hell up, Kate!
Just be thankful you got a
Line this episode!”

Stop looking at me,
Random Scottish man! I own
This place, so watch it!

Cheer up, me laddo!
That chicken won’t fill the void
In your enlarged heart.

I met a girl. She
Was oh so hot! Nuttier
Than a nut bar, though.

“Number forty-two!”
(Looks into the camera).
“Eh? EH?! The numbers!”

Zombie Sayid tied
Desmond to a tree, and Nik
Was all aquiver.

“Hugo, why’d you do
That?!” “Calm down, Richard. Go run
Like Kermit. It helps.”

Libby, I know you’re
Crazy, maybe dangerous.
But you wanna date?

Jacob’s here right now?
Ask him why he was such a
Dick to me. Ask him!

“He’s lying. Jacob’s
Not there.” “Yeah, well, you run like
A muppet! Shut up!”

Michael, you’re stuck here?
Like purgatory? Because
The writers, they said…

Yeah, it’s sorta that.
It’s a purgatory, not
The Purgatory.

Because Your Kiss Was
On My Lips
I remembered!
The Power Of Love!

Oh Hugo, Hold Me
Now! They Can Never Tear Us
Apart! …Endless Love?


My work here is done.
Now, for some vehicular
Homicide, brothah!

“What are we doing
Here, brothah?” “Oh, nothing much.
I just like wells.” PUSH!

When Flocke pushed Des down
The well, I could hear Nik’s scream
From Australia.

humanebean said...

Bravo, Batcabbage!
Thanks for the 80's flashback.
Now, to Save Ferris!

Blam said...


Awesome, Batcabbage —
especially the one with
“Eh? EH?! The numbers!”

Batcabbage said...

Thanks Blam, humanebean!
And thanks for writing some of
The best ones ever!

It's hard waiting for
Batkitty to come home to
Watch the latest ep.

I could watch it now,
But she would probably hit
Me with a hammer.