Thursday, March 22, 2007

Paulo and Nikki Death Fantasy
The Lost writers are insisting that by the end of next week’s episode, we’ll suddenly love Nikki and Paulo. If that’s the case, I want to get all of my hate out of the way in advance, so here is one of my revenge fantasies for them. Before I regret it.


NIKKI: I don’t know why we had to follow them, Paulo. They seemed to be just fine on their own. With Locke, Sayid, and Kate, there’s no way they don’t have enough manpower to find Jack and bring him back.

PAULO: Listen, YOU are the one who always wants to be involved – OUCH, if I get ANOTHER stick in my eye – so I thought I was doing this for you. Just a minute… you stay here, I need to go over behind that tree.

NIKKI: Sigh… we’re just looking for the doctor so he can treat your gastro-intestinal issues, aren’t we?

PAULO: Could you hand me some large leaves?

NIKKI: We both know you don’t need any leaves. You’ve been backed up for weeks. Oh god, just get me out of here.

[NIKKI heads out into a clearing, where she sees a row of large black metal poles with circles on top]

NIKKI: What the heck are THESE things?

PAULO, emerging from the jungle: I just want some relief. I don’t know how much more of this I can… Hey, what are these?

NIKKI: You. Are. Disgusting. I’m leaving.

[NIKKI steps between two of the poles, and her whole body goes into a seizure. She begins frothing at the mouth, with blood spurting out of her ears the way the blood fake-spurted out of Dan Aykroyd’s hand in that SNL sketch where he played Julia Childs and accidentally cut himself]



NIKKI STAFFORD, watching the show at home on the couch: BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh this is TOO good! Come on, Paulo, FOLLOW HER! HAHAHAHA!! Oh man, this has been a long time coming.

[she stuffs some popcorn into her mouth]

PAULO: Nikki!! Nikki!! Are you OK?

NIKKI: Ggaaaggghhh bbbbububbbubbbbbbb


[ISLAND NIKKI falls over onto the ground. Dead.]

PAULO: Nikki? Nikki? Damn. I guess she probably deactivated it then. I’m sure it won’t hurt me.

[PAULO steps in between the poles, and the humming begins again.]

NIKKI STAFFORD, doubled over, barely able to breathe: HAAAAHAHAHA! Oh, this show is AWESOME!

[PAULO’s body begins jumping around, and froth comes out of his mouth, too. Suddenly, he messes himself.]

PAULO: Kkkkaakkkkkuuuuuu….. ah, rrrrrelief!! Gggagaaaggghhh bubbbbubbbb

NIKKI STAFFORD, falling off her couch from laughter: Oh god, where’s the remote?? I need to pause this… can’t… take… much more… HAHAHAHAHA

[PAULO keels over]

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut…. Sorry, this just isn’t working.

[RODRIGO SANTORO and KIELE SANCHEZ both stand up, covered in various bodily fluids]

DIRECTOR: Damon, Carlton, I just don’t think they would die just yet; don’t you think the audience needs someone to hate for just a little longer? Maybe they can make it through the forcefield somehow and we’ll kill them when they get to the other side of the island?

DAMON, striding onto the set: Yeah, you’re right. They were just starting to irritate me, too. I guess I was getting a little gun-happy on the death scene. Sorry, guys.



Anonymous said...

That would be a mighty fine scene. Now anything else will be a disappointment.

Though I think the average viewers probably haven't noticed Nikki and Paulo's existence.

I only know their names because you talk about them.

Anonymous said...

I told my parents that the one guy in 300 was Paulo on Lost, and they have no clue who I was talking about in spite also being regular viewers.

Naturally, it didn't help any when I mentioned his girlfriend was Nikki.

Anonymous said...

You made me spill my morning coffee!!
And choke just a little bit!

Good scene, now send it to the writers, see if they bite.

He was also the hunky office co- worker Laura Linney's character had a crush on in the movie Love, Actually.


Anonymous said...

Want the secret? Paulo is Ana Lucia's brother and Nikki is Libby's sister. They've arrived on the island secretly in order to infiltrate the camp and find out who their killer was. What they don't realize is that the killer (Michael) has been set free and is afloat with his son somewhere close to Fiji. Like the dolts they are, they can't even get revenge right. And the only way the writers will kick them off the show is if they both end up arrested, charged with DUI's.
Your friend - RB. :)

The Chapati Kid said...


I love the metafiction going on here.