Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Live Blog: America's Next Top Model
I'm trying something new tonight and live blogging ANTM. I wanted to do something mindless before turning to the final episode of Lost until February. So here's the episode, as I watched it.

Ah, remembering Brooke… Jaeda is saying everyone is sad, and OH MY GOD is Melrose singing “We love you Brooke and we’ll miss you like hell?” Please stop. I love you, Caridee, but the cowboy hat with the price tag hanging off it is too much… Michelle is telling Caridee and Melrose that she really never wanted to be a model, she’s just here and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Good one, Michelle. Melrose telling the camera that she’s sick of people being here who don’t want it, and you know… I can’t blame her.

The Tyra reply coupon time: Ooh, if you could bump a girl out, who would it be? Interesting! And they’re cutting to surfing. Please don’t let these girls surf. Gabrielle Reece is here talking about action modeling, and the girls are pretending they remember who she was. Jaeda played volleyball in college and now is happy with the competition. Huh? “You guys will go over there and change into your bikinis and come back.” And once again, ANTM does its best to push feminism backwards a MILLION years. Anchal is upset that she’s fat. I hate her for thinking she’s fat. Ugh. Caridee looks completely freaked out and goofy in her “action shot.” OK, she did it again. Eugena looks like she’s in pain. Melrose actually does an OK job here. Jaeda pulls her mouth back and looks awful and Gabrielle tells her she looks awesome. Amanda looks like George Michael on Arrested Development, turning her body to avoid the ball. Michelle poofs her mouth out and lands face-first in the sand, HA! Achal hides and says she doesn’t want to come out of her towel. Her face looks the sexiest of the bunch and Gabrielle says, “Good try, too bad you suck” and it’s like, ok, were you just looking at her “jiggles” and not her face? Sheesh. Did Eugena just call Achal a “big ol’ blob?” CRIPES.

Melrose is SO frustrated!! She wants her to go home and is telling everyone this in the Jacuzzi… Anchal isn’t hanging over the balcony listening this time, but tells the camera she wants to “slap the ho.”

Tyra reply coupon: Will you snap when the pressure is on? (Is that a reference to an elastic band? Or “Oh SNAP!” Or will Miss Jay do three snaps or something?”) Oh MY GOD Jamesh Shaint Jamesh is back, oh GOD. Someone tell this guy he’s 103 years old and is NO LONGER A CLUB KID. “Nashcar enthushiasht”? GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Dude, just… give up. You were played in a movie by MACAULEY CULKIN! Or was it Seth Green?? Maybe it was Seth. Can’t remember… now I think it was Seth, but the movie SUCKED so maybe I’m just removing it from my head. Action shots… Eugena’s is cool. Melrose looks like Trinity, but is good. Jaeda a little freaky. Amanda is Trinity as well. Seriously, woefully skinny Trinity. OK, Caridee is stepping up and being all acty, but, um, model she’s not. Come on, Caridee, will you PLEASE remember the camera is on you?? I love you. Don’t screw this up. Anchal’s up, he tells her to use her anger and drama and… HAHAHAHAHAHA… She looks like she’s stepping on an ant. Now she took off her shoe and, um, dusted the furniture with it. Is Anchal going home? She’s terrible at this photo shoot. Nascar guy is taunting her and asking if she doesn’t care. Michelle’s up and doing a hella job… oh wait, she just straddled the guy. Now she’s on the car, and Caridee is chanting “Screw up, Michelle.” And… Michelle just won, though all the girls are “fantashtic.” Michelle just chose, um… all the remaining white girls to be her co-winners. :::awkward::: They just won a shopping spree. Anchal is whining she’s never been chosen for any of the things. After THAT performance, I’m not crying any tears for her.

Billion dollar babes sample sale. Sigh. These are usually the scenes I fastforward through…. Ok, they’re turning it into a race and Mr. Monotone Nascar guy is saying, “Okay you girls will run toward this line and you will try to grab clothes and you have 30 seconds to put on clothes and then run back or you won’t win anything and I’m shocked anyone is still listening because I’m about as boring a speaker as they could find. Now they’re counting the number of items all of the girls grabbed, and I missed what the point is… girl with most things wins? (I passed out somewhere during Mr. Monotone’s instructions.) No way… everyone has to give Melrose all her clothes?? Melrose, do NOT be a bitch… you’d better give something to Michelle. Aaaaand, she just told the camera that the girls look like they’re going to kill her, without suggesting she might give anything away. Sigh.

OK, now Melrose is lecturing Anchal on being immature and childish (after she just took all the toys and ran out of the playroom screeching with delight and didn’t SHARE) and Anchal is sitting there dumbfounded and upset. Another moment where I know they’re editing stuff out and it’s not clear why everyone lets Melrose get away with those comments while she’s such a beeyotch herself.

Tyra reply coupon: Tomorrow you will defy the biggest model stereotype: Don’t be an airhead… see, Tyra, a stereotype is something that ISN’T TRUE. Airhead? Um… TRUE.

They’re jumping out of a plane. Oh my GOD I’ve been waiting for this photo shoot for 7 seasons now. After suffering through so many of these horrible little girls backbiting throughout 13 episodes and listening to Tyra go on about how they’re defying stereotypes while she upholds them I am finally going to see them fall out of the sky and hopefully… oh come ON Jay, did you just say they’re not jumping out of a plane? It’s some indoor thing, what the hell?? OK… actually, this looks pretty damn cool. I want to go and float in this chamber thingie. And I want to see these girls thrown out of a plane while I do it. Cover Girl major product placement yadda yadda…. Michelle is going all over the place and the guy is trying to hold her in place and she says she just keeps flipping over and has no idea why… um, you cannot defy gravity when you weigh 38 pounds, so obviously she’s going to continue to fly against the window, HAHAHA! Michelle is too much sometimes…

Jaeda’s jowls are flapping in the wind, but Jay likes her. You know, I’m with Jaeda… they’ve made her look like a man with that haircut. Amanda is flailing like a rag doll, but now the guy seems to have held her in one spot and Jay is slobbering that she’s the most graceful darn thing he’s EVER seen in the air, what beauty, what form…. Anchal’s turn. Gay makeup guy is holding the Cover Girl foundation with the product name out just in case we MISSED the fact that he’s going on about how awesome it blends with her beautiful skin tones. Closeup on Anchal shows she doesn’t have the flawless skin we’d been led to believe she did. OK, makeup guy just yelled at her to SUCK IT IN. What a bitch. Melrose is complaining that Anchal does the same thing every time, but what girl yet has done anything but hold the same damn pose the entire time they’ve been in the chamber?? Eugena is up and the guy seems to be holding her neck like a dog collar, and she’s trying to be all purty and facing the camera. Whoa, they just floated way up and back down… cool. Jay just told Melrose to make the girls hate her even more, and she whines, “That’s not possible, teehee!!” Give them some CLOTHES, Mel. Oh hey, Melrose, are you HOLDING THE SAME POSITION THE WHOLE TIME?? Anchal, kick her ass. Anchal’s happy, heehee!!

Caridee’s turn, come on, girl!! So far, her face looks awesome, she’s flipping onto her back, and now they just banged into the wall, and… Jay is bitching that she didn’t listen and didn’t do slow moves, but she still did her job.

Back to the house in the stretch truck. I hate that thing. Anchal reads the elimination reply card like they’ve never heard it.

Melrose is wearing a black moustache. What the hell is she doing?? Is she supposed to be Freud? What is that accent? And, uh, why did she have a moustache in her bag? They all lie around and complain about how they don’t want to go home and who they want to go home…

Judge panel: WHOA… Tyra, what is WITH this week’s hair?? And my eyes, my eyes, what the hell is that BELT?? Is it just me or has Tyra been packing on some poundage in the last few weeks? OK, now it’s the judging test. Boys will choose… a verb and an adverb? Did someone have to explain to Tyra what the difference was? Eugena has to shake flirtatiously (she looks like spaghetti). Amanda has to… ski sadly? Huh? Jaeda is skipping sensually, not bad. Michelle has to swim frightfully. Well, she got the frightful part right, YIKES. Anchal: Dance aggressively. She’s standing and thinking and WHOA. Stay away from the clubs, Anchal. Melrose has to box joyfully and she’s… voguing. HAHAHAHAHA!!! She thinks of a box like a mime would. Caridee has to hide dizzily, and is actually kinda funny. Tyra loves her (me too).

Eugena: Twiggy said she should have shimmied, now Tyra’s complimenting Naomi Campbell, WHAT? Anyway… best shot… where’s her face? Yep, that’s what they want to know, too. Not so hot, Eugena.

Amanda: Tyra said she wasn’t sad, she was scary. Best shot, can’t see her face, either, all profile. Nigel says her body is too slender. You think?

Jaeda: They said she didn’t skip sensually enough, just didn’t try. Gabbi Reece is saying someone who’s bigger has to use it. Jaeda also in profile… is there a problem with the photographer here? Did they point her to look to the product in the wrong angle?? So far all the photos are terrible, IMO.

Anchal: They told her she ran out of the room, and they were very unhappy with her exit. Weirdest exit since Jade, they said. HA! (Ok, what is with Miss Jay’s hair? Looks like Amanda could have skied right off it.) Tyra lecturing lecturing lecturing, and telling her it’s a problem in life that she has. Best show: We can see the face!! Best angle so far. And… they’re still lecturing. Second person Tyra has called Michael Jackson.

Melrose: Nigel calls her a genius for voguing instead of boxing. Someone hand the guy a dictionary. Best shot: they love the body, the face, everything. Nigel calls it stellar. I think Melrose is gonna win this competition. Maybe she should.

Caridee: They bow before her for hiding dizzily. They adore her. Please let the shot be good… they’re all going on about how awesome she was, and the rest of the girls are all GLARING from behind… shot is great. Profile, but it still looks awesome, her body is cool. YES! Go, Caridee!! OK, now she’s saying Jay told them she was out of control, and Caridee’s face falls and then she tries laughing it off and now Tyra’s lecturing her like SHUT UP Tyra. GOD.

Michelle: Tyra can’t say frighteningly. Surprise. Now Tyra’s calling her a wasted space??? HUH? OK, this girl’s had some of the best photos. Whatever. “You were the challenge winner.” Depends on your idea of winner (ask Melrose about those clothes). Photo is great. Tyra just called her Michael Jackson… what is your problem, Tyra?

“Now it is time for the judges to debooberate, and we will decide” and camera zooms in eerily on… Eugena. O…kay.

Judge debooberation: Twiggy loves loves loves Caridee. Miss Jay makes the ugliest face I’ve ever seen on the show saying Caridee’s a crackpot. Tyra says she could hurt someone. Sigh. Someone just kick her in the head this week. Nigel talks again about Anchal’s face being gorgeous and says her foundation is whipped, and so is she. Oh COME ON do we need to work the product placement into the judging? Melrose good, Amanda’s photo can be turned upside down (?), Tyra says Michelle doesn’t want this even though her photo is awesome. (Do photos COUNT with these people anymore??) Don’t like Jaeda. Don’t like Eugena. Nigel’s kinda bogarting the judging panel this week. Blah blah blah. Miss Jay says Eugena is pretty lost in space. HA!

Girls are back. Tyra looks VERY SERIOUS. Music is all “buda buda buda…” Six of you will become America’s Next… Top………. Model. Caridee is first. YAY! Melrose looks pissed, she’s second, still looks pissed. Jaeda third. Interesting. Will Anchal go home? One of the twins? Amanda is safe. Michelle grinning, now looking worried. Eugena is safe. Uh oh. (Did Tyra just tell Eugena to flip her hair like a white girl?)

Emaciated and FAT (in her head) step forward. Tyra gets all quiet and serious. Music gets all scary. Oh, Anchal you are SO beautiful (I think she needs to have her hair threaded again… it looks like hair plugs at the top of her forehead.) Michelle looks really confident that she’s not going home. Hmm… Tyra’s telling her she doesn’t have it. EEK. Michelle looks really flip, like she doesn’t care. Is she going… oh… Anchal is going home. Sigh. Anchal is very gracious, crying, thanks Tyra for the opportunity. Melrose tells Anchal she’s awesome (sure). Anchal weeping and saying it’s a life lesson and she won’t let Melrose get to her. Says she’s going to step out of her box. O…kay.

Coming up: Girls lose their inhibitions in acting class. Looks like they’re going to Spain.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this post got a little "lost" (ha ha ha) but mad props (yes, I am using the word props) to you for the live blog. you see ANTM in all its hideous glory.... My favourite moment in the ep:
Anchal: I still hate you.
Melrose (tearfully): I still hate you too.